May 8th 2006

copyright don oddy

letting go

Letting Go - What me?

I go through moments of anxiety these days. Sometimes I canít quite work out why. And then I realise its often something I am worrying about and holding on to. Before this morning and what I felt, I had a real problem yesterday with the computer. I loaded a simple programme and was on the internet at the same time. Then all went wrong, the computer went down and nothing would work. I spent hours following the instructions and hours battling with my own worries I had broken this marvellous machine.

And this morning having turned all off last night in frustration, I turned it on, sort of wishing the bloody thing would right itself, as if a few hours switched off would give the computer time to rest or something. And as before the fucking thing was still fucked this morning. And I laughed at myself. And thought ok, one last time Iíll follow the instructions, and leave it repairing whilst I went to the fellowship meeting down in Chelsea. I was going that way anyway to feed Tiger Cat, my happy role as minder as parents are away on holiday, she seemed as pleased to see me this morning as all the other mornings, great mistrust and aloof at best. At least she watched a little while I sorted various foods and put down fresh water.

And then up the Kings Road Chelsea to my destination. A popular meeting this morning with old stalwarts and the occasional visitor. I am an irregular regular at this meeting. Its one of my favourites, nice and early and before the big one at eleven.

A friendly group we sit in a circle, about 40 odd people, teas n coffees served and we begin. And today we had a few subjects raised for discussion and we voted for letting go, that age old problem, how to let go of people places and things in the right way for us, when something about them or it is not working for anyone concerned.

All sorts came up to do with love honour duty and you name it if we can make it complicated we do. And the thing being how to let go these miserable situations. Or how to improve our situation by letting go our need for something. Of course what emerges is our need to let go control. A step mother with a hateful child, a grandparent with a difficult grandchild, a step daughter with a difficult step mum, all the combinations through the generations were represented. All the permutations of relationships, from married to partner and in between, it all came down to love control and inclusion. All about fair shares and more shares of people and duty of course. And lots preconceived notions of respect and place and status were brought to the discussion.

It seemed we all have something in common in the fellowship, we are passionate about our family and community, we know what our place and role should be.

And we know more than most, that nothing is for keeps. We know more than anything we start each day again, a day at a time, making our world work. So when we got down to our resentments and worries and everything about letting go it was about loss.

We had all experienced loss of something, mainly loss of inclusion and feeling excluded, loss of position and loss above all of our own sense of esteem. So when we boiled everything down and started to make sense of all our accumulated passion and anger, it was unfair and unreasonable to expect that we as day at a timers could preserve anything beyond our day. So when we let go of most rubbish and attitude we can carry, we start a fresh day with new expectations and outcomes.

We expect to start again. And what this means is we donít assume or presume we have a right or a place in the relationships we have. And especially we need to be fair and equal with everyone, from small child to the old and aged. We need top be the equal of them, no bigger or smaller, we need to approach each day as new and our loved ones as equal.

And equal means we have no power over them, and they no power over us. Letting go is really about starting again, over and over, making good our outlook and our relationships.

Just because we have life experience, a job, a position, a title a moral code does not mean we are bigger and better. Maybe we are wiser and more learned in developing our good relations with the world. And we are definitely as human as can be, for we do get angry and pissed off. And we do wig out and be very upset just as anyone else can too.

We have learned many lessons and maybe one of the most important is around the daily mantra of one day at a time. Its made easier for us when we get to be more ourselves and the equal of life, and of people. And we learn never to assume that others will overcome their own prejudices without gentle reminders and persuasion.

And I sat and listened today, I listened hard and happily and was making good my recognition of a day at a time. That I feel good to be the equal of my life, and no one elseís.

I was reminded of my Dad long gone and others dead too. I was reminded of many life experience which held me and made me either fearful or arrogant, or just plain intolerant. And I thought I was a reasonable bloke, well I am still learning how every day.

If only sometimes I can feel myself smiling, if only I had known then what I know now. Hindsight and wisdom were never delivered repacked and preloaded, not like my fucking computer. But then, humans are involved too.

So as I sit here most of a day later, its still downloading and rebooting and righting itself. I had to start from scratch. And the irony, on the way to the meeting this morning I knew I had to start again. On the way back from the meeting I resolved to lose all that I had saved and written over the time I have had this machine. And I resolved its just like life, a day at a time, in some things and most things we do start over. We let go what we cannot change, and maybe after natural passion has erupted and subsided we can smile again.

And I love my computer and what it can do, now though, just a day at a timeÖ


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