Do we really train others how to treat us? Suspect we do, for all my adult life I can see patterns of how I treated myself and the standards I set for my welfare.

I can see there were double standards in my codes of behaviour, which go towards this observation and other codes which elevated everyone else above me and my needs.

The times I grew into, the parents I had, the background they came from. All patterns impacting on how I am today. The greatest impact on me today, and for some time has been purely surviving from day to day.

So the intellectual in me sees the simplicity of the observations and connections, that I did treat others better than me, yet there was always something which held me back from intimacy where others ever saw the inner me, the damaged one, the one which cried out for love and some sort of understanding. The one who wanted to be included in this vast world and stop being an outsider. But then I was denied that comfort, for that comfort was never passed on, it was missing from my past generations, who lacked this inclusion in the mystery of life.

And with this ingredient of inclusion missing how close did any of my partners feel over the years to me, and how often did they see the real me? Well quite a lot of the time I realise, I was no success at hiding my inner me in the early days of courting or after. And the lavish treatment of women over the years in the main, with exceptions when self loathing was worst, leaves me cold to predetermined typing of people and their responses to the world.

To be so glib with a saying and observation of life and evolving presence, how we train others, implies a judgment so harsh we might move to blame anything and everything to explain away torments and life’s way of providing torture and ecstasy in uneven measures.

Certainly we can be predisposed to automatic responses, and yet life teaches me that it is not always so, with love and some determination, my walls so high to keep out the pain of loss, they were bridged over and over, as hope kept me going and open to all I encountered.

There were double standards though. I must have felt the desire to provide as best I could and with a sneaking feeling all good could come crashing down around me and be lost. Trust was never far from being lost in my world. The let downs were thick and fast till thinness near killed all hope. And still I let in all manner of types to my world. Something always seemed to be lost as trust was sure to evaporate, and I would be left high and dry.

Even now in my world I let in all types of people all with characters with flaws and strengths so obvious, I realise my choice to include any and every type from benign to hostile makes for vulnerable living.

Friends with great flaws, I knew they had them and it was likely I would feel the pain as being used comes naturally to some. And even now in my fellowship I find many who might be recovering from a great malady of dependence cannot stop their using of themselves and others. And me too, for my journey is not without crushing blows to principles and values.

All these things human, with light and dark, it is no wonder in our modern world, the principles we make so high and lofty are often dashed on rocks of practical survival. We see the without question as our madness emerges in strife and competitive living, how easy we put to one side our humanity and exercise self interest from flawed and broken living.

As I might look to blame a generation and more for past crimes, they were so gifted with these flaws. And when I look to my generation, we too emerge scathed and cloaked with every horror manifest in our way of life. And we are so gifted with light and dark.

A colleague and friend at the time, years ago, we were learning together in some seminar. It was nothing to do with deep spiritual learning. But he said something which sticks close, for he put in words what I always felt and dared not say for fear of seeming foolish and a reprobate. That we get enlightened from experience. And this enlightenment is useless without in some or equal measure, experience of dark qualities we have. Our endarkenment if you like. Enlightened we are as we tread the enlightening path, and on that journey we will encounter and experience as much to endarken our spiritual development.

And the tough stuff I always avoided in anecdote from books through the centuries. We are all sinners, we all are imbued with good and evil. For these homilies and parables troubled me greatly, because if I knew the difference I would choose the path of light.

There is no ready and easy grip to principle, and in their breaking are harsh penalties. Not from being caught by others, the penalties are our heavy hearts where keep burdens hidden and feel one day the time will come when we can let go those nasty parts of us and be free.

My principles, always seem to lead to confession, not because I sought forgiveness, but because I could not stand to let others be less informed about me. For what they got in the main was what they saw. No final God like commandment which holds many to the glue of their lives, “thou shalt not be found out”.

So in my living, I guess in the main to the good, I have been as corrupted by our modern world and in that corruption found the resonance and wavelength increased between light and dark, and where my conscience takes me. Less bitter and more accepting of human frailty and strength determined by our flaws and overcoming hardship.

Yet conscience is often the luxury we re afforded by time. And in all good conscience looking at the choices we all make, to good or bad outcomes, we would be hard pressed to throw rocks at any other human being. If in deed done, and indeed often we have thought and felt to the ill and detriment. The difference some act out their intent and others hold back as principle and values hold them in check.

We have all the same equipment to guide us and experience sets the tolerances which dictate our differences. Consequences so great to life already, manmade destruction, redemption and judgment kills many who live never to tell the tale, as a living death results.

As good conscience wills our personal struggle, so indeed the road narrows and our codes towards the light are active and strong. And without good conscience, then that road to hell remains wide and seems to gift the corrupted with a highway so wide, its hard to get off and take a breath to see the errors or find any way back to simpler easier times, if ever there were a simpler easier time.

There is one reality, today, where we can make to the good of our life and ourselves. In some way break the patterns so predictable, so easy to comport and conform, breaking the merest speck of what we are. As life is driven by the quickest route to satisfaction, if we are lucky we learn the greatest pleasure comes from making to the good, a little bit, a small part, almost insignificant to our good. And that least felt most important step can change a life any day, just the tiniest, remotely felt little bit. And from that small step, find a path to lighter living.

How we train others is in our behaviour each and every day. We will never train others to treat us differently till we show them something new, of how we treat ourselves.

Old records and memories play hard, we need educate our inner workings one day at a time, and in the process include others in our change. Gradual incremental and with growing trust, with every mistake to make. We can come good, if there is time. And we might make the time if we are able and the world does not snuff us out too soon.

Our old ways take time to shift. We move to make our change as intellect allows and feelings inside keep us locked in battles we must fight. For our thinking will do both, turn us to our new desires and keep on running to the old. Our feelings take their time to grow, there is no easy way to make these changes stick as if our intellect could master time and experiences.

Yet every day we are bombarded by the intellect of others, who with their virtuous pomp, impose their new regimes on us, as if we were mere machines to programme and let go. They call to make us change in great leaps of faith with them, I heard those words loudly ringing in my ears this week. We need to make step changes in our civilised world. Step change is not a small step forward, it’s a giant leap of faith. Fucking wankers all of them, with pride intellect, would subjugate our feelings and experience to be lead to their ill fate. Politicians, generally clever of mind, inclined to shiny futures. Imposing ill conceived ideas upon us with their solicitous pomp and reverends sermon in their hand, their firebrand to change our lot, and never make that move themselves as their old ways keep them safe from change. Step change for them would kill their living if only they could see their own folly and stop killing society over and over again. With attitude of leadership and righteous grip of intellect they fuck and wipe our minds to theirs, and don’t accept their part in what they wreak upon our world so fragile and thin. They were acting on their best intent. A pity when they learn the truth and havoc they perpetuate.

In my world good news follows on. As time is short and down to this day. I can make a move to good intent and still make good the day. As all matters human and done in increments, some large or small and self imposed, or from our outside too, the best way forward if we are able, and in good conscience will be made. Human are we who make the change as those who struggle and are lost to time. Endeavour holds the key…