Our world so full of shit. We wonder where the moral balance in life might be. We live in duality all the time, from the way we broadcast to each other to the way the world broadcasts to the world.

We hold so many standards of conduct, we might wonder where we find our balance. How we talk to kids, how we talk to young adults, how we talk to each other. How we talk to our elders. How we maintain decorum and understanding in a world which holds duality, its quite a nightmare if we play the games we learn and operate to codes of morality left to other generations including our own.

Behaviour too, it seems to move along and become more open with each passing generation. What was acceptable in my growing up to growing up now. Well actually this is where we hit hypocrisy full on. In my day it was always about not telling our elders what we were up to, we did what we felt was right for us and then kept it to ourselves. And depending where we were in growing up to adulthood, that sort of maturity where bad language and all the maturity it takes to get our clothes off and have sex, well it ain’t that much of a mature start? I guess it depends.

As growing up involves breaking into adult behaviour I was lucky, for in our world the adult behaviour arrived really early. I did know much about it but I was a late starter, being shy at first, I caught up though and went on to dizzy heights of unbalanced and completely self indulgent living at a pace and for decades, before life caught up with me and made my living much more simple and straightforward, and to my surprise more fulfilling than I ever imagined.

Indeed decades of decadence. Fuelled by hard work, an ethic that drove me as hard as fear of failure kept me well and working hard until my head and body broke. At the same time as focus was mostly hedonistic, for to get too serious meant I could be hurt deep inside, well I thought I might avoid that, but love would interfere most dreadfully. I kept falling in love and I could not help my feelings for girls I encountered, I just plain old loved them. It made hedonism a pain and worse made any two timing I might have considered pretty impossible. I mentioned some time ago, I only ever two timed once physically, and only when I was to be deserted and left emotionally before she decamped, by the one who held my heart as insecurely as I could possibly have made it.

And in essence I realise the hang ups to love, they were merely the fight against abandonment and other issues we all have, that if there had been some decorum and balance learned in my early years then I would never have been so insecure, but that is history. I seem to have a new balance these days, and when it comes to physicality, I miss it to some degree on a regular basis, but like the balance of loving I can express, in a real way when its appropriate. And that is to love as intended and by nature and care and without intent or contrivance or manipulation. Well it seems so for the moment.

As my head has cleared from those decades of hard work, where driven by an unstoppable desire to be good and only good would do, no failure there until broken like a toy and discarded, I was thrown on the scrap heap. And once there broken in my thinking and feeling the repair took some years to make good. And better!

They say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.. Well in my opinion we deny what ain’t broke and don’t fix much of ourselves for denial is far preferable than putting right what might never have been that good in the first place.

Balance and decorum put us into frameworks where we can limp along and look right a lot of the time, where the frameworks protect us walking wounded and are used to facilitate failure and success as they may be delivered. Provided we look right and observe the rules we can get along most of the time and the pain inside can be shifted to the side as we proceed full tilt at living the dreams we manufacture from our learning and inspiration. Yet those dreams may be incomplete and the inspiration to cover up our pain can be as large as denial we learned as we grow into adulthood, plus all the shit we learn along the way. No wonder we humans like to look right even when we are fucked up inside.

These days I am learning new and really obvious truths of living and acceptance. Quite a different path to the brash and superficial me I used to be able to present. The deep of me was and is there as always, its just now my deep and needs and desires and fears are better understood by me and more ably than ever. The benefit of time and healing does has its benefits if we live long enough to get the gist of living well.

In the scheme of life I would rather have avoided the huge meltdown I had. At the same time it seems to be stripped bare of most my accoutrement of life in material terms, I am restored to my values, principles and good conscience. Along the way the deliverance of me has made me understand more completely humanity and where we are.

I am in no way gifted beyond my learning and my learning is no greater achievement than any of my age and development of ideas and thinking along similar lines. Maybe I had to move from a world of material pleasures to another and less hedonistic one. Or I might have missed an opportunity to get spiritual with my sorry ass.

And my spiritual has little God involvement for God remains a universal player and I a mere speck. I heed our universe and heed good conscience as I move along on a daily basis, ever so aware if I get forgetful about my situation, I can end up dead very quickly if I get forgetful of my physical state and my attention to maintenance. A good thing too, for I was a lousy engineer in my own self maintenance for years, as health was about strength and strength was a way to hide fear and vulnerability. All the tools were always in me, I just needed a massive correction in my situation to heed the signs, and get rid of some denials about my longevity and immortality and indestructibility. And of course that I was always good and getting gooder at living as I was. What bull that was.

Decorum and balance in ideas and behaviour, my conduct and my living lead with good conscience to every possibility and choice within a moral framework which includes as paramount, do no deliberate harm to me or others. For in harming self and others is the greatest liability we carry along with our denial agenda and fault finding. Blame is our worst enemy as learning requires the passage of time and events to get to decorum and balance.

I see these days the sanctity of life, preservation and care for others as ever I did. Now I know more fully what this means. From a theoretician to practitioner the reality enables our values and principles to grow as never before. From scholar to doer, from thinker to living, from notions to experiences and developer of life, these things we learn or don’t as life provides those opportunities to take those hard knocks of living, or deny their effect and live to old styles and no changes.

Acceptance is one of the keys of life, mistakes and growth other keys on our master suite to open the doors of life. There are so many elements to success in living we will never be complete. Good job too, for this world offers beyond our wildest imagination all and everything we may need. Our wants man made are another dalliance we give so much time to, we may forget our spiritual core is so simple, the practice of living.

The practice of living is about decorum and balance of all we know and experience, our thirst for more living as we go along on a day by day journey. It is never in the ending. Our endings will always be too soon in the big scheme, some of us are cut short, and some of us cannot wait for that end as life is as miserable can be. Those days for me come and go, when they come they are intense reminders of long years in pain. I hope the balance of pain and joy even themselves out if I get opportunity. The best though is knowing their length need be no longer than a day at a time now I have better frames of reference to live by, the ever present, present moment of now.

Decorum and balance ever shifting and growing and developing us where we will go. So many choices to enact in good conscience and live to the best we can as we wake and sleep to the pattern we have. No one can make decorum or balance stay put as much as it sometimes feels we need, to get a grip and make some sense of the nonsense of life, so deep it can drown us, so evocative it loves us and so easily lost, we might cherish every moment and suck them dry of their fruit, sometimes bitter often sweet. We never know till we have the taste in us and then its too late!