That pull to infidelity. So easy and seductive. I am glad a passing touch did not reacquaint me with past times...

Its been a long few weeks in my world and long few weeks in the global world too. The stories coming from the middle east, Israel, Iraq, Lebanon and more all bode for the worse. I feel the emotions of hopelessness and powerlessness. Its odd that tragedy so far away can bring me to my knees emotionally and render me so sad I cannot breath. The feelings so strong for the hurt and anger, the hatred generated and years and years of prejudice to come as families are drawn into long term struggles. There seems no end to despair and the middle east.

Seeing people being evacuated gives no sense of relief, for those left behind must feel abandonment as strong as any time in the history of these warring neighbours and where their history has held them so tight to defiance and retribution. The desperate fortitude and honour and war, the awful madness of survival and death. And the survival to start it all again. And all because no one will back down to be the equal of the other. I am at a loss what we might do to help either side make good a peace and end violence either way. Has it come to time to let the madness go and let itself blow out and be a rampant force for the worse? Time will tell. There is no honour or way forward for people so hurt by living they will fight to the death and beyond through their next generations. Man made madness from nature’s touch.

In my small world and fellowship I have had time to reflect on all matters close to me. And there are feelings of sadness there too. My world is not easy. Even in friendship there is great sadness as those around me make the best of what they have and days where joy is less obvious. I too have my sadness as I find friendship and not partnership. Even though partnership was not my goal, I am sad it must be put away, and in its loss the loss of close friendship is inevitable as new boundaries start to emerge.

Why do we all have to keep on going through obvious experiences which will leave us a little more scarred and intemperate? It seems the madness of loneliness and isolation drive those near in my fellowship to hang on to neediness and fear of being left alone. In my current situation I value my singularity and would give it up with some struggle, for in isolation I have my preferences and choices. In the field of partnership, I see my singularity and independence as a useful and desirable trait. It means partnership is undertaken without the needy feeling of companionship. Odd I feel happy to be individual and self contained. At the same time close intimacy is valued and honoured as part of the map of living. Mutuality and interdependence feel apposite, yet many I encounter are co-dependent in their outlook and just do not see the harm in their outlook. Maybe harm is too strong a way to express their dependence? I think not, for in their need for power over or power being exerted over them, they see some intimate relationship which is preferred to equality and mutuality.

The sadness in loss of truth in this less than interdependent world. Truth is what brokers power and power over, power exerted plays its part in the ego and confidence of many minds. Where people close will keep their knowledge and behaviour secret, or be bold and wield unusual influence, I see all manner of falsehoods develop. And the relationship with things like money and drugs of all kinds seems to be prevalent, linked to work and relationships and money.

So many seem to chase safety and put themselves in harms way. And even in the simplest of relationships between partners the mutuality I would seek to develop is almost lost as truth is kept from debate and lies dominate as fear shuts the door to real living and being.

Evidence abounds where half the truth and half a lie seem to still pervade. It is sad and I have no way to change anything but how I respond with due care and attention. We live in a small world. And with my perceptions so strong I know where all manner of embroidering occurs. All mainly initiated as fear strikes and new opportunities come to the fore in minds still trying to make sense of living, and living might be so easy if fear were given its right size…

Due care and attention implies and involves letting go righteousness and all that the global world shows me is the path to intolerance and no forgiveness. We may need to exercise forgiveness every day more diligently on ourselves, for in this regard we make good our behaviour and keep our side of the street clean as they say. I can be forgiving of me and not judge my fellows and friends, for there is nothing I can do beyond the truth and let truth find its way, or not if this is the outcome. I am sad though for truth is not lost in any of these dealings, it is merely known and denied as behaviour continues and replicates old patterns. I am changing mine, and that is a case in my life for joyful moments and letting life grow well where it will.

I forgive my fallibility and indulgence of fellows and their worlds and their views and ways of living half true lives, made from of denials so big they dare not face them, just in case anyone else finds out. And least of all me, but then I already know. And when I fear my confidence in matters I know the pull to ego’s drift, that place where anger brews at lying and cheating behaviours produce mortal wounds and kill relationships stone dead in my eyes. I let it go, and see no sense in illumination of those with falsehoods touch, it will find them out soon enough in the cold plight and perceptions to the real truth where the bogeyman awaits their recognition and torments. Time delivers with the hardest edge the real cold burn of the sinners knife, stabbing at their deep, I need not hold what they hold best, and deliver their blows as truth explodes their denial of living to their folly. I need not be the surgeons instrument of torture where the torturer inside makes hell as real as any dream. Their dream is their reality. And that of ego’s drift.

So a little sad, no quite sad on all those matters. Yet I see in sharing my outlook with due care and attention, just letting enough be known of what I know and no compromise to all the truth as it must unfold in all its glory, that no direct harm is done by me, especially in silence and too little perception shared or I may be a hypocrite too. And others can draw breath on their truth without it cutting too deep. They may find their path and change what they will, and not by my will. And this is new for me, where the tough of righteousness cut deep and hurt others with the profound sharp barbs as venom was added to those truthful pellets and deathly cuts would kill confidence and send others reeling in their ego’s drift. To a personal hell where denial and defiance make good all loss and burn us in our prejudice of living. Let go and let good conscience find its way, as it will or will not, its not my business. I need make my choices for today and where I will venture.

I am greatly pleased to help a friend some more, and renew a use of old crafts and new skills. It is good to make good and good conscience guides my movements. Just taking care of my world and how I behave and conduct my affairs. We develop to our environment and others, and we can be lost to our truth as easily as a breath upon a smiling cheek and find our loss so great, we give up much when needy little parts of us need love. And just one love will do, and that is our own of self, so we may love equally those we find as intimate in our world.

And I have made some judgments to let things go too far in some parts of living and let other things fall short where they are better placed. Adjustment and outcomes I can see in hindsight. Nothing lost or prideful feelings stopping me today, where before as ego took my world and made omnipotence more my style, its gone and returns with brevity and some hideous sting and is rebuked and put away, I find forgiveness is the way. My forgiving of my culpability and others may find their own. Their changes may reflect their stance and new reality might take their hold to truth. It is theirs to find and make to good conscience touch, as mine is touched and confidence returns to make life sweet, all this a day at a time.

Daily in my recollections and my sharing and my learning, this world forever moves and offers all paths to us, to redeem or hold us to our fears and loathing and denials of truth. Choices made in seconds make steel rods for beating over lifetimes, so forgiveness needs to find its way or insanity leads to shallow ends and profound regrets merely felt in those who live their life in fear of being found out.

I would wish for clarity and open dialogue, yet it cannot come as I might wish, I need only look to my part and conduct in this world and behave consistent to the truth, as I am able of course and my truth grows in sharing truth and liabilities. I find my way eventually, above denial of others culpability most often in the benefit of the doubt I give. My feelings tell the truth in me, I may yield to their heed and warning bells so often ignored of late, and make good in sharing truth some more and let the truth inform my choices as they may be made today. Patience will determine all, and let outcomes form as all reveals itself as far as truth can and opens new doors to living well. And beware my own denial as ego’s drift offers much to me, and pleasant diversions with her pretty face to lie beside my own, so shallow would that moment would be, I leave that stir and desire well alone, it happened in a moment where flattery held its sway, it was only yesterday. There is no fool like an old fool they say, and this old fool smiles with gentle repose in conduct made to integrity and not to ego’s drift and let life be with generous heart and spirit.

And in good conscience find my way.