cont.


trust
DonInChelsea

July 20th 2006

copyright© don oddy

~ Betrayal Truth Forgiveness ~

that touch as ego drifts to living hell

As if by magic made, I am reminded in my fellowship why Tuesday's touch was as profound, and betrayal is not my way. Even when I am alone, its my betrayal of me.

Early morning hours become my favourite times for listening to my world, when the quiet of the night stirs me to conscious contact with my good conscience. Good conscience, that part of us which connects to a power greater than me, where the drift to ego is lost to truth and open hearts wash their souls, and find forgiveness.

My early morning hours as fellowship brings the gifts others face and the key to living well. A time to reflect on good conscience and conduct I would live. And recall stories where others failed to heed and then find nightmares wake them from awkward tiresome slumbers bedecked with misery. Betrayal must be the key to breaking hearts.

Hearing hearts break, its never going to make us feel so bad again, for that first break mended, scars our innocence and keeps us prisoner from love. And the misery and grief as sharp breath, gasps, predicates a telling moment where all is lost and broken and we know. A moment has turned love sweet to bitter in our mind, pain surges through every part of our being and we see our lovers trail to hell, and ours. Betrayal stalks with hunters eye and kills love stone dead an denial makes that drift to egoís deep.

Egoís drift, our gift to keep us mad and madder than we might at first surmise as guilt of others permeates and fills our hearts and minds. Egoís drift to guilt, defiance leads our steady progress to insanity. And all the time the guilty walk free as we in prison hold our guilt and shame as wreckage, we can hold inside and do the same as we have felt. We learn so well.

We might wonder at our passion spent and growing in another way, to find revenge and make escape to happier moments, yet that prison guards us well.

And in my fellowship we learn how to let our feelings go. And make redemptions road. But others might find the key to egoís drift again, as they pull us back from where we came and make the journey back to hell. Betrayal knocks again.

And it was like this again in fellowship, we hear so many stories of others journeying and making good their lives. And then we hear with clearer minds how others are sucked back into that mire.

As we learn to make life work again, we confess all we can recall and offer our sincere and heartfelt sorrow for how we were and how we may conduct ourselves. Making good from insanity. We know this road is our way out and its got to be our best of routes to find redemption in the day. In contrition and good conscience how we might make good our conduct, behaving well for you and me. And it is more than this in our new way, to make good on old wounds of time. We feel the pain forever more unless we move to our good conscience and far away from egoís drift. Betrayal is found along the way.

And as we journey, it seems we all discover our conduct is not as bad as we might seem to think or feel. Our madness was inspired and led by our insanity and fuelled by anything we found to fix the gap inside our souls where love was lost.

If we understand our plight we see how forgiving we can be. Simply if we are able as our new world offers to see the harm done in our own history, we find forgiveness in our hearts for others who may do us wrong. The wrong we feel as others betray is as harsh and harsher now we understand our own. And our views can harden in two ways, we lose our understanding of the human heart, or we understand the path we tread is simply ordinary life.

Its really easy as we get to understand and deal with our demons, the hurt the pain and suffering felt. And if we understand our own and find a new way to live, we can be over sensitive to how others treat us. We can become full of deep and unyielding judgment when others hurt and betray us. Or we can forgive our own conduct and keep ourselves safe as others learn their path.

Betrayal still hurts us deep. And we need be mindful when we are hurt so bad our broken feelings donít lurch to passions and hate and revenge. We need to be open to forgiving our part in all we touch, and touch the hearts still learning how to be all they can in their own good conscience.

Our journey is our own, and others who journey along are learning too how they may hurt themselves and us too. We donít realise just how deep betrayal cuts us.

What a fucking nightmare betrayal is, when trust is abused and lost. Manipulation complete as betrayal shows us the truth of you and me.

I listened and heard and understood the betrayal shared in fellowship, and realised the seep of hurts felt as trust and love is lost. For indeed forgiveness does not turn back the clock and we are human and need protect our vulnerable inner selves. As trust is broken as hearts are torn, then we learn to move along, hoping for repair in our journey and living.

Our choices when betrayal happens is really what we might decide in that horrid moment when all is lost, and we discard the betrayer in their guilt. Or we may wait and see what might happen if we have a mind so strong to understand what happened and why betrayal came our way. And we need to work our feelings out, and we need to make our decisions on what we know of how things are, and not what we imagined they might be. Our hearts and minds are stung with grief, not the time for deep, for we need to protect and find a place to mend ourselves. And we are best supported when catastrophe strikes.

And we see reality screams the truth we knew. And our forgiving of ourselves led to forgiveness and acceptance of something we knew we could not tolerate unless our guilt and shame were strong enough to mediate our pain. We put ourselves in jeopardy as we might when shame is still inside, and let our devil sit with us, and then betray our trust. Our judgment shatters as we look at every element we recall and see our folly is loss of truth along the way. And merely joined in what we knew to be false as denial made possible in our journey to redemption, made our open hearts vulnerable to all and every shysters medicine. That which seemed to be that elixir of life itself, love was merely in the mind of ego and drifting in shallow seeds of time where nothing roots to last.

And in my fellowship where so tortured we can see the will of us, and others who will masquerade their love, and hold us ransom to loves truth, we can be betrayed as surely as we did ourselves.

And then we see as we unfold this mystery of living that they did not mean to leave our broken hearts beyond repair, or did they?

We need remind ourselves as we are redeeming our good living that others are not so well endowed in their good conscience, that they are still in egoís drift and deserve our absence more than our presence to endure their torture of us for evermore.

We need remind ourselves as wisdom grows we need not join the madness all over again and leave ourselves dashed to rocks where we shackle our love and drown as tides of torment cover our fate. For fatefully we may choose to leave that torment far behind.

We need our good conscience to be our guide and surmise what we may do to live well again. Indeed we will experience betrayal as it is part of living and learning how we behave. And we may decide how we behave and know we cannot change another in any way to our view and good conscience. It is our own good conscience we might keep and not be held to ransom of anotherís drift into ego deep. We can keep ourselves safe and know our hurt and let it out. We need not be a prisoner of old times or new lovers conduct we will not accept for ourselves.

Indeed it seems our path does narrow our options to the good when we learn what our good conscience offers. And then our living grows beyond our wildest dreams. If we slip to egoís drift and let ourselves be washed in others grim truth, the reaper calls and sits in shadows waiting for our madness to grow and return us to insanity. And then, in revenge we plunge our grim judgment as a dagger into the miscreant who is only just close to conscience good, or not as others might discover when they are let go. As we surely must accept our part and culpability in our life. We need not extend our travels in confluence like rivers in turbulent speed set on course for living hell and hellish times where promises and love are false to us. We return our falseness in our fear of loss so driven to insanity, the reaper is there and collects our bounty in our living so, if we are so fearful and lost to love.

Our braver route to let them go, the betrayers of our hearts content, and maybe they will learn the path to their good conscience, I may never know. Except this. They learned how to fuck off from me, and let me find my truth and live honestly in other company more like minded and on a route to peaceful harmony. And remind myself I am as guilty charged and have the wounds of time in me. I do judge you definitely. Yet I know the truth is changing as we speak, for in small ways we learn, that we are all able to betray a love so deep, when we are mad as hell and insanity our master.

I guess the way forward in all we learn, that we may keep others close to us as patterns change and conduct more becoming to their good conscience keeps them safe as well. And learning is our human way and redemption is open to everyone, everyone deserves their chance, maybe, but not with us this day.

And redemption is for others company and not mine, always we find this telling moment where we let them go or stay. And same for me along the way as others judged me rightly, and cast me off to find my good conscience along this lifetimes path. We need not be every element of life or we find ourselves unequal in our living, we are sinners too. And as we sin, yes we do, we need remind ourselves others to need find their own forgiveness in their future conduct, but in between, just fuck off and darken someone elseís door, not mine.

You might notice I slip from senses and person third to first. My intent is quite determined and clear to me. Its simply that this applies to everyone and me.

And although the betrayal I listened to was there, it made realise as evermore to share these shallow ways to hell. We all are culpable, and outcomes differ as we understand the completeness of living love and loving others is never easy or straightforward. And if we came to this world perfect as we might wish, then there is no point to living at all. And in living we connect our spiritual and emotional selves to life and good conscience. And we are allowed to disconnect from those who are too far away from our path. We need let them go on their own road of discovery. We are gifted with equality as well as judgment for ourselves and how we conduct our lives. We donít need to conduct our lives in betrayals of principles or values we learn to live and others donít. We donít need that shit, and we need decide where we are with that as we go. Compromise is key to understanding our humanity, and acceptance of reality helps deal with our world. Sometimes the truth takes time to percolate through our igneous rocks of denial, and hurts are inevitable.

Outcomes are best considered, and then, with good conscience as our guide, with the sure knowledge that but the for the grace of our good conscience we walk that path too.

For those in the know, step 2 step 4 and step 10 need apply to my views. And there is something in this of all 11 steps, the 12 step might be a revisit for those facing their own drift to ego and insanity. Welcome back from hell!

~
Copyright © Don Oddy





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