Chronicles April 2005

April 1st 2005

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~ grief ~

When the end of life is near, our feelings are upended. We cannot believe or want to believe

that a friend or loved one is leaving us forever. It is a final and devastating blow, the

feeling of loss.

We deny it of course, because it goes against our will. We will for our loved ones to be

well and with us. Our powerless feelings of loss are so deep we hurt all ways. And nothing

can take away that pain.

Our anger and frustration comes out all wrong. We cannot get on with anything. We weep when

we can, and rage when we cannot. And both as final moments leave us completely drenched in

sorrow. Tears flow and memories run round and round as we inevitably are left lost.

We experience every emotion as we deal with loss. We need every emotion to experience our

loss. We share as we can and deal with the day. Just for today as our insides are turned

out.

We let it out, we share our least refined inner self. Red raw and upset, we realise the

truth, beyond denial, we start to mend.

Our mending insides and our shared loss, is in our own time... Take our time for our grief,

it helps the mending,

farewell to a Pope, not quite gone when I was writing....

And at this moment, I shudder and feel the grief of Africa, overwhelming, corrupted by

history, hostage of modern man and power, bleeding on the pillars of enterprise,

where no one takes responsibility...

April 2nd 2005

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~ faith ~

Faith makes things possible, it does not make them easy

we are most tested in faith when grief rages, the innocent with no time, all spent. Corrupted by age and gathered for their reckoning. Our time so precious, sometimes we reach full measure. Often taken without our sense of completion. Faith will help us keep ourselves and loved ones safe, in our conscience and in our deeds to make the most of what we have in fantasy and reality. And wisdom to know the difference..

April 3rd 2005

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~ realism ~

of all the 'isms', maybe realism is our best suit...

Willpower! We all have it, it drives us to goals and endeavour. Willpower has potency and value in many of our societies. We are driven to high expectations in most everything we attempt. The foolhardy, of which I am one, can take willpower to extremes of behaviour.

Driven to success, driven to make good all aspects of life...

often driven to cover up failures as success is constant in singular elements of life. Realism, teaches many elements we consider success, leaves great big gaps in our ordinary lives.

Realism encourages us to seek a balance, to enjoy many elements of life and steer a course across a choppy sea, where many are shipwrecked. So many marooned upon little islands, their wilful ways, the anchors of singular success holding them fast.

Whoever said it, the 'reality check' that might enable, a touch of realism to set us free of those bogus anchors that hold us. Ah yes to steer a course to Elysium, with a boatload of experience, we may thank the reality 'Merchant'.

Our true currency is the sum of our experiences, our unique and authentic take on reality. It feeds our spiritual self, sufficient, satiated and full. Thank goodness for realism!

April 4th 2005

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~ ism's ~

a distinctive doctrine, cause, or theory

Writing about ism's yesterday, the ism's we want and don't, they are all about thinking. Thinking is our tool for making good our understanding. Thinking helps make sense of many elements of life. We need never discard our thinking, just keep it in balance with all our senses.

Especially our feeling senses. Feelings are within, we cannot escape our feelings, all of them. Some feelings get a hard time, because they emote our so called negativity.

Remember our capacity to experience feelings, all of them are absolutely necessary, so we develop all our feelings and understand where our balance is, and when our balance is disturbed for whatever reason. Ask yourself, How am I feeling? Why? What can I do? Try it out, and find expression somewhere, anywhere to develop a sound understanding of what your feelings are. Suppression of feelings up or down will ultimately lead to disquiet in our mind's eye. Better to develop that balance and experience your true self!

April 5th 2005

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~ love filled ~

Silence has to be love-filled. Love actually inspires and moves all things towards their original freedom and happiness.

April 6th 2005

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~ silence ~

Learn to create silence in your mind and peace will flourish in your soul. You will see life with other eyes. You will discover God's language. To be internally silent do not think too much. Trust yourself. Trust others. Trust life. You will find it is easier than it seems

April 7th 2005

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~ misfortune ~

Misfortune always comes in by a door that has been left open for it.

April 8th 2005

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~ seeds of hope ~

The world is your garden from which you remove weeds of doubt and replace them with seeds of hope

April 9th 2005

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~ in all of our world denial is always present ~

We need denial as much as we need our honesty. When we are faced with crisis and sometimes just a 'little white lie', denial comes to our rescue.

Rigorous honesty, the bastion of Saint like figures, is and never was an achievable state. Like all our emotions, we have a place for denial, which keeps us safe when we are feeling lost and unsafe. Denial, that thread that holds us together when adversity strikes bold and strikes a soft blow to our confidence.

Sharp as pain sears, so denial holds us safe till times change and we face our reality. Vouchsafe my denial and let it rest easy on my troubled conscience. We cannot wrestle all life's commotions at once. Reflections will ease me back to the rigour of honest times, I will forgive other's their denial. It would be inhuman of me to lavish forgiveness on others and forget myself as human...

April 10th 2005

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~ radiate happiness ~

Have you ever noticed that happiness is not a dependency, it is a decision? You don't actually need anything to be happy. It's not something that comes from outside, it comes from inside, and when you radiate a happy energy you'll be amazed what it attracts into your life. Don't worry, be happy...sound familiar? Decide now, be happy, and watch magic begin to enter your life

April 11th 2005

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~ seeds ~

I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day.

April 12th 2005

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~ observe ~

It is far better to observe than to absorb every word, feeling and attitude, to get over-involved, or react too much. Observing gives us the patience and clarity to think or act appropriately. Observing creates an inner focus that allows us to see reality

April 13th 2005

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~ look inside ~

If at any time I begin to lose hope in myself, let me simply look inside my heart and see all the good actions I have ever performed, from the smallest to the grandest. When I see how much happiness I have given, I easily remember the purpose of my life.

April 14th 2005

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~ surprise in health ~

we don't always get the surprises we would wish for. And as I take each day as it goes, my philosophy has changed a great deal in recent times.

When faced with certain ill health changes just now, I never realised how I would view them or react to them.

For a long time I have lived in fear of something and never been able to shrug off the disquiet or midnight horrors I experienced over the last few years. Today tho', just for today I have a programme which helps me deal with adversity. My health is not good and I have had some bad news, and my body is not responding yet to the medication I have been given. My system is acutely upset on a physical level. And I am in good hands.

Today I must be a patient. There is nothing I can do, except take this day as it comes. Powerlessness, its a strange thing to accept I am powerless over outcomes and cannot exert one jot of influence. It is a learning process. For what follows is really out of my control, and I am happy for it to be so.

April 15th 2005

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~ dear bill ~

Dear Bill,
It has been a strange week. I have been wondering what has been wrong with me for some time. I have had a load of symptoms similar to the side effects of the anti depressants I take. And this has been going on for ages. When I went to see my GP on Monday, I was sent to the hospital for tests. Quite a difficult time as my imagination always goes to the worst scenario and this time the GP too. So I was really not able to say much about the tests, because it was an outcome I had no idea about.
At first the results were inconclusive, other than I have now been diagnosed with diabetes. Type 1 was the outcome late yesterday afternoon. And I've been at the hospital all morning today.
Which means I have to take insulin injections on average five or six times a day. The reason for the seemingly large number is to deliver an appropriate dose of medication to my eating habits( which are very poor).
Funnily enough whilst my eating has been poor and erratic, the diabetes is not the result of this, nor even more ironically beginning during my drinking days, it just occurred! Now over a year in recovery, I personally think it does have a lot to do with it. Similarly, three other patients at the health centre had the same diagnosis this week, must be something unusual but not connected.
What can I say? It seems completely manageable and gradually I will get back to a new normal for me.
I guess it goes to show with the best will in the world, anyone can fall foul of longevity. And because the symptoms are so easily misunderstood or similar to other forms of illness which are entirely transient, its not picked up as diabetes quite as early as other nasties.
I now have a very comprehensive manual for living, and enough needles to supply all the addicts in Chelsea! (joke)
I am sorry I did not call you up, I have only now got the full diagnosis this morning. And as for keeping things low key... it was easier for me to know the full picture, rather than speculate and provide more news and then more news, keeping me in a "problem" rather than broadcasting the "solution" I now have.
So there we are Bill, I will be ok. Hope this helps clarify any vagueness you might have heard from Mum, who was upset and very worried.
I hope you are keeping well and Denise and the Boys. I was hoping with the new found freedom to drive, I would take a trip to yours. Unfortunately, I now have to wait a while until I get the go ahead from the DVLA, and an updated licence which is only right and see about insurance too.
So as is said every day in my meetings, one day at a time,
take care and lot's of love to all,
Don

April 16th 2005

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~ help yourself ~

Unfortunately these two words tend to describe the generally selfish and materialistic culture in which most of us live. They result not in self-help but in dependency. Our education and our role models do not encourage us to help ourselves to grow, change and expand our capacities as human beings. Real self-help means recognising that no one else is responsible for our thoughts and feelings, and that we are only ever victims because we choose to be. Our destiny is always and only in our own hands - despite all apparent evidence which may indicate otherwise. Learning to help ourselves is also a prerequisite to extending a hand of assistance to others. We all need a leg up from time to time, but once there, we are always on our own.

April 17th 2005

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~ illuminated world ~

Remove the darkness of the mind and the world will be illuminated

April 18th 2005

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~ Monday's ~

the Monday morning blues, rain and cold, and its springtime. I have been watching the onset of spring this year in quite a different frame of mind. An open mind, more aware of the changing of the season and more aware the vast complexity of nature and this world.
Happenstance to be slowed down to take stock of the moment and now. How rare this moment is for me. I am glad I saw it...

April 19th 2005

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~ much to do - hectic times ~

I seem to have a lot to do. Mainly form filling and manuals to read on next steps. Adding another disease to my portfolio, Type 1 Diabetes was a bit of a shock.

Now is not the time to put on a brave face and hide away the problem. In the past hiding away was the only coping mechanism I had to stay alive. The brave face manufactured to keep people away has been my Saviour and my undoing. I don't believe my fear of living was any more dramatic than anyone else who has gone through emotional health issues. They are profound for the individual and I am still reeling from tortures experienced over the years. My tortures, defined from particular life experiences which never seem to relent in a troubled mind.

April 20th 2005

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~ working with people ~

I guess I will never stop working with people. I am after all gifted with understanding of other people and their take on realities. Even when those realities they experience would be another’s fantasy. Ah yes I have mine too, a fantasy and a reality. Exposure of the real from the bogus is capturing the moment of now, how it is today. And with every best wish, so many of us live in our past and our future. We need our memories for they educate us. And we need forgetfulness and the suspension of dreams to make sense of our moment of now.

My gift of enabling others is no good to me, for I need counsel too, to sift out and reclaim my present like anyone else. Good conscience helps, I would however, be mindful of another’s gaze into the complexity of my minds eye. For my mind needs to be informed and supported and challenged like never before, when dealing with grim times...

April 21st 2005

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~ my need for acceptance ~

courage is not the absence of fear it is the conquest of fear.

Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation exactly the way it supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in Our world by mistake. Until I could accept my humanity, I could not stay equal and humble ;
Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Sentiments, a variation in expression... to err is Human, forgiveness a higher power..

April 22nd 2005

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~ always something positive ~

At the heart of sweetness is the conviction that there is always something positive to be found.

I do believe in the most adverse moments, there is something positive in truth. Truth itself is not the culprit to our happiness or woes, lack of it and truth distorted can lead us away from harmony. Truth is just informing us of what we have. How we view the truth and make of it what we will, is the key.

It has been a week now since I was diagnosed type 1 diabetic. Its hard enough to take the information on board and deal with the news, it means a whole new bunch of things to do to keep as well as I can.

I am testing my blood 8 times a day, injecting myself with insulin 4 to 6 times a day. And I am just doing it! I am changing my diet too. Its quite a complicated affair.

Today I can do these things, a week ago, I had no idea I would need or could cope with these changes. Another learning.

April 23rd 2005

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~ mornings ~

Waking up as dawn breaks, the rhythm of life beginning all over again as night slumbers softly go silent. Waking as nature intended without alarms or starts from night terrors. These mornings are precious.

Slow movement to conscious recollections. The movement of breath, the stretch as the my world wakes. Today not a dull moment, and not a moment where I feel the restless pull to harm. I have harmed myself enough with expert support.

I rise and scratch, wonder and start another episode in life's lessons. I form an attitude, and behave accordingly. Accepting the day and me, hand in hand toward the night. A thousand million feelings felt across our universe and more. I am not alone.

April 24th 2005

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~ let me help ~

Let me help without splashing my name on the achievement, and vanish without waiting for the results

When we look for our self esteem, our confidence and our value, its sometimes easy to forget where we find these feelings. Of course we can see these feelings need to come from inside ourselves. And we need these feelings of valuing ourselves, or what else is there to living a happy life?

We need to be sidetracked sometimes, and often when learning, we get encouragement and validation from family friends and workplaces. So we are ok and doing what makes us happy. We are after all social beings.

We can put too much store on external support when we are feeling worried and unsure. Yet we need those feelings and those supports. In an ideal world we heed the advice of others and make up our own mind. In a difficult world we heed others and follow their suggestions. And we find the balance of these things which enable happiness.

All too often we can be diverted to others needs and when we are worried, we follow. When we are strong we take things and suggestions and take what’s good and valid, carefully discarding others unhelpful persuasion.

It does no harm tho', when others are insistent and quite unhelpful to gently suggest they FUCK OFF and mind their own business. And at the same time feel no resentful feelings for having to say it...

after all who said they could tread on my blue sky today? Certainly not me...

April 25th 2005

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~ knowing when to ask for help ~

We are all driven to be self sustaining. Asking for help is often the hardest thing we ever have to do. When our thinking and feelings are upset, when we feel physically unwell, it still feels hard to ask.

Be brave and accept that we are all in need of help from time to time. Like me now. I need to be brave and seek help.

Bravado and brave. Parts of our make up, learning to know the difference and applying our understanding to our situation.... very hard, very difficult and a bugger to accept.

April 26th 2005

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~ our emotions and feelings ~

If we can love, we can hate. If we can laugh, we can cry. If we can believe, we can deny.

Who said life is a bowl of cherries? The cherry picker of course. Somehow along the way in our upbringing, we learn what we feel can be good and we also learn some feelings are shunned and scorned as unworthy.

We come into the world equipped with feelings, and we have no value for them, or whether they are good or bad. Society educates us to our feelings and expression.

We need every feeling we have, the positive and the negative feelings. Without both we are incomplete.

Why do we have confidence and love, why do we have ego and hate? Simple, to find the balance we need to enable our view of life. The cherry picker could never have found the good to pick, without an acquaintance, with a taste of the bad.

So as we consider light and dark shades of our feelings we see them in others. Let others be enabled in their journey and feelings. For theirs will inform ours in the bitter sweet journey of life.

April 27th 2005

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~ judgement and prejudice ~

When I hear the inner voice of prejudice I should look into a mirror and see what I fear.

So many memories across decades, so many judgements lavished upon others and me. It is the most natural of process, it is a gift. We use our perception and we judge, all day long. So instant is our seeing we link what we see to making a judgement. We do this naturally to assess risk and enjoyment. We live in anticipation of outcomes. Our senses alive to every instant, our judgement engaged in expectation.

When we encounter the unexpected, the different, we need be alert, we need be mindful and we need to learn. So often our learning is disabled by difference and diversity. We might wonder how we ever sample something new as time slows down our learning process.

Beware in ourselves the notion we may be too old for something new, that we have learned our last trick, that we are stuck in history somewhere.

In our ever changing world, be young in heart, keep learning, and open to possibilities. Cherish what we value in our history as a new world dawns every day, infinite to our senses kept sharp with enquiry.

Perfection, it surely is an unfinished work, just like our world, Nature never stands still.

April 28th 2005

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~ positive thinking ~

If you create a powerful thought every day with deep reverence, it becomes a power that dwarfs all your problems and carries you higher than you can dream of ...

Powerful thoughts, I wonder at their creation. A thought in itself is maybe neither powerful or weak. The power comes from the emotion applied to the thought by the person expressing it, or the person who is listening and connects their power to that thought.

In this context power of feeling is expressed through our thoughts. We give power to our thoughts and when we can choose the more positive, we flourish.

Today I would give power to good. I say to myself most nights, " I forgive everyone everything ". That way seems obvious to the happy minded people in the world. And there are many. I have to work at forgiveness, it is in my nature, and I feel liberated in the forgiving of others. This means I too can be forgiven by me.

I believe it is in our gift to be forgiving, it makes us free to move on and let go unhelpful propositions. Blame will kill us, forgiveness will allow us to rise up every day to let in new possibilities for ourselves. Resentment is a journey to a closed mind, imprisoned and poisoned, broken and worn.

Let your heart forgive everyone, including ourselves. We rarely forget life's hurts, mending them with forgiveness lets in the light, brightening the darkest corners of our minds.

April 29th 2005

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~ frustration~

Frustration can spill over to anger and feeling depressed. It is our impatience which frustrates us....

If I were in charge of something, I would make it happen right now! I know how to fix things and I could do it immediately...

The world and people move at their own pace. The world will never revolve at our speed and certainly the people in the world will never keep up with our own feeling and thinking!

So we have to be patient, we have to remind ourselves that the world and people can only go as fast as it and they are able. It is frustrating.

We need much patience with ourselves as we are learning, and when we are confused by whatever circumstance. It is not easy to let ourselves slow down sometimes to a pace we do not want to accept.

It is part of learning and a great part of healing that we learn to live with our own abilities. Abilities which are emotional and physical are difficult reminders that we can often fulfil all we need, and also, there may be times when we need more time.

We might consider forgiving ourselves our own limits. And when we do, we must apply the same forgiveness to others.

After all, we are all very much human...

April 30th 2005

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~ A Long And Healthy Life ~

There are three ingredients for a long and healthy life: live with attention but without worry, use time in a worthwhile way, keep your thoughts pure, positive and filled with strength.
We might wonder about the length of life we have. Sometimes we forget the life we have is just as long as the day we experience.
Wondering about our past and the future leads to us forgetting what we have today. For most of us, just for today is as much as we can handle. Give us more to think about and we are lost in old memories and future dreams.
And what of the past? We cannot change one iota, and of the future, it is a mere possibility. We need our past and future as reference to what we do today.
A long and healthy life? Sometimes length of life is a concern. And for me I have learned to keep a weather eye to the future and not get too concerned where my journey takes me.
Time is a relative thing to all of us. I can recall being a kid and never wondering about time at all, except there seemed to be so much of it. And now I see time as finite, to be experienced. Time is not our problem with life, it is how we experience time.
To be in touch with our feelings and our thoughts, to make use of these fundamental gifts is our opportunity. And in the moment of time we take to experience a smile, a tear, a surprise and a well formed experience of joy or sadness is merely nature’s gift.
And to experience with all our faculties a moment of love, we need never wonder at the length of our lives, for we experienced a moment of bliss in reality and in our memory for eternity...