Grief Indeed - why does it hurt so much..
I live on my own and am currently single. Not always so and much love and connection over the years with wonderful women in my life. I guess a part of me was always concerned I might not be good enough and in some ways I understand the lack of confidence inside me had a lot to do with relationships foundering and often with relief. What on earth would a woman do if she ever realised the truth of me? And these days I see it now, that I was hard to get to know, and having been heart broken in my early years and in relationships, a pattern did emerge.
Why mention all the past things before talking about lunch? I am sure its because its just five months since my Sisterís partner Christopher died. We were talking over lunch, me my mum and my sister. And it is not at all surprising that the feelings of loss and grief are still as strong today and profoundly felt. If we love deeply and we mostly do, then our partner is lost to us either dead or because they have moved on, then we feel grief as sharp as dying ourselves. And worse it continues for as long as it may, and our outlook can only be as our heart mends enough to make life work again.
Fortunately love is not a quantifiable asset or commodity, either we do or we donít. and this is horrible when we are left surviving without the love we had for another. This feels worst in early days and only do we let go our feelings as life and time move us along. We never forget or need stop loving and honouring memories, yet we do move on and fill our gaps as life helps us.
There have been many conversations over the years with people who have experienced loss. I can recall talking to my Grandma about Grandpa, my Mum about my Dad. And so many more about grief with friends and with people who paid me to listen. Grief is as it may be, one of life experiences and it happens as many times as we are in family and in relationships. Grief just is a part of life we fail to understand because its definitely not what we wanted if love was the key.
Understanding grief is a process helps us, it does not help stop the pain or wish for the clock to turn back, it affords much misery as we connect daily to our losses. Letting go is not forgetting it is about honouring and then understanding a new way living with the hardest of experience. Grief has no superficial or quick fix, we may deny as we may and eventually if we live long enough we understand loss and how to live more completely as time helps and acceptance settles.
Getting to a meeting tonight helped me get my senses back to living in the day. I feel for my sister because I understand, I cannot feel it for her, it is bad enough once removed and having lost a friend. So I keep to fellowship express my situation and it helps me express my feelings as there are. Sorrow and sadness and powerless indeed to help other than to be available and be ready to remove myself when so wished.
Many people find Christmas a torture, for the alcoholic itís a reason to relapse unless we follow careful steps and keep safe with family friends and fellowship as we determine through learning.
A bitter sweet irony these days as life has gone along, the good we remind ourselves, the sadness of who is no longer with us or around us. Many people I have known some close enough to feel acute sadness and some distant enough to express sorrow at their passing. It is a difficult time of year.
We need compassion, not to forget wilfully, honour those we have loved and cannot be in our lives for whatever the reason. We need be careful with feelings and not push them away. Feeling the grief and expressing our pain is all to the good of a life in recovery. And of course for every human, loss and recovery of our wits comes slowly the deeper our sense of pain and agony. We can live so, a broken heart can mend or sometimes we do not wish it so, we need find purpose once again and that is a hard ask of anyone.
Overall a good day, an acknowledgment of me and where I am. Just as one can be on a Sunday, its cold outside, smiles and warm in my heart for loves lost and in a temperate mode there is acceptance today for how life is today and may be as the dawn calls us to a new day..
9th December 2006
A Day in the Life - Life in a Day
What an odd day of sorts. With so much going on all the time how do we find the time to reflect on anything? Or is it painful to sit too long and wonder where we are, where we are going and what we may do? All these conundrums work themselves up in me from time to time.
Two Meetings and the Clinic Today
So why did I do two meetings as well as the Hospital today. Its one of those things I determined last night I would have my appointment at the Hospital to discuss progress and my various ailments. All three came up as well as doing life too. And doing life seemed to be my preoccupation literally, as an occupation beyond survival is definitely my preference.
At the hospital I bumped into to two fellows from the fellowship and it prompted me to consider going to the back of Buckingham Palace meeting at noon, as the meeting is called High noon, its appropriate and I have not been there really for a year or so. My clinic meeting was good and I am making progress in some ways and in others not so as some conditions fluctuate and in particular walking is a key problem even with pain relief.
Plenty of people I know and I arrived wet and only a minute or so late. Pedal power from Fulham to high noon, well itís a bit faster than public transport and although it was raining I felt it was good for exercise, a number one priority for me with type 1 diabetes. The meeting as sort of flat actually when I arrived, but got better as people shared and related, and we had a newcomer turn up quite drunk and in need of help and a coffee. Seems its not unusual this time of year as Christmas cheer is an awful temptation for some. I felt ok and although quite knackered from the ride, had a good chat and welcome from people I have not seen in a while. I gave my number to someone whilst there to discuss other matters not totally fellowship. And tonight someone else asked for my number. I do warn people I do turn off my phone so please to not be offended if it takes time to get through.
It was a good experience even though slightly depressing. And at the same time I heard a share which caught my attention, again for matters not of the fellowship, but actually to do with me and people I know. I wonder if ears were burning somewhere, I donít know, but I felt a lot better for gaining insights that might have haunted me a long while if I had not gone.
We learn more by doing than thinking
We do learn more by being out and about, it gives context and flavour to all our living and circumstances. At the same time we can be quite sure, if we had stayed home, our ignorance and isolation would have left us with imagination and wonder, rather than truth and acceptance of life as it is.
Was good at the old curiosity shop. And as someone I know gave their chair and their views of recovery. I fully connected to some truths about me and my situation.
It does, and its taken me a long time to come to terms with me. I was a poor learner early on, for whatever the reason, a late developer, a fearful Chap who needed more to make life work. And I had no clue, nor did anyone else or they would have done what they could. So many early experiences can knock us off course and make fear a motivator rather than my preferred option which is love.
We do live life in the programme
Yes we darn well do. We live it, by the very action of getting out to fellowship meetings and being active in doing life. Now what I heard tonight made me see quite a few truths for me.
Life in a Day rather than a day in the Life
When our world has been so tormenting we have lost our reason and become hooked on oblivion, we are at our lowest ebb, the rock bottom of life. Where we know without doubt there is no life left. And at this rock bottom we see in perverse ways, that it cannot be worse than it can be back then. Rock bottom of course in oblivion is insanity indeed, only when we get more reality do we encounter rock bottoms in recovery. Far harder for everything is real, the pain, the anguish, the torments, the desolate times where black pervades all moments from day to days end.
Life in a day - A day in the Life
For indeed we do crawl along till we have healed a bit more, to take on board living at all, and life gets more complicated all over again. Yet we forget its not a day in the life we are looking to achieve, itís a life in a day where we know we can succeed.
How odd after years of scraping about and all the experience I have had, that the truth of a life is just one day long.
Life in a Day
Yes with recovery and all it entails, getting through one day is as hard as life gets. And that is true of all living and knowing if only we are clued up. Even when we know we have futures to plan, we live a life in a day and not the other way round.
A day in the life
My day in a life today has probably woken me up to this simple and yet obvious truth, to live life as real today and not wait till its done before I make up my mind. Life in a day is best lived as truly comes our way. We may live as we can, and with attention to our situation, we can make it good or as is , sometimes so harsh we can gasp, or we live through the fun as if it were a chore. Its both and magnificent all rolled into one simple day. The imperfect perfection of each day as it comes.
Life in a day
It is truly our connection to our reality, and so often we miss its point if we forget, it is reality as we know it and nothing else will change, unless we are active in living just one simple day.
It was great to hear action and progress, pitfalls and success, anguish and misery, gratitude and love. Joy and utter sadness all in a day, no other fellowship has given me so much, the tools to live life. Where I learned to live life comes from family and experiences. I was immensely successful most of the way, and yet it touched nothing inside when times took me to places where I had no value and dark was illuminated by dark.
And now with little material in the worldly ways we may accumulate and certainly less strength, I am renewed and rejuvenated by simple straight truths. A return to my outlook as learned when young and values I can live, as hard as that may be, a touch of spiritual, keeping it in the moment, and working hard as we do, to get to live this one day.
Life in a day, it feels just right, a day in the life as we can reveal in words we can share. Living is action and not from a book, although inspiration comes where we often least expect as we look.
From youth to old timers, from the red raw with hurts, to recruits, to people who live life where else would I look? Outwards of course forever outwards I will endeavour. In good time and whatever pace I can make this world work just for the day. And appraise and refine, and be frustrated too, doing my best as best is what we all really do. I learn my insides from my outsides!
I wrote this as quickly as if it would be lost, its easy to feel good and forget as quickly as we experience. Times best recorded and never to be lost, repeated over and over by others who share my outlook. All to the good as we help ourselves along, in fellowship when we are good and grudgingly too when it all goes wrong. We are human, and humans learn by endeavour success and by our failures, actually both are the same as Kipling remarks.
It is simply as the world and reality are just this one day we have. Life in a dayÖso easy to say, so hard to live? Well not this one dayÖ
December 9th 2004
The respect you earn is not less or more than your own self-respect. Therefore, respect yourself and God and the world will respect you.
It is tough, to respect others when they appear to have no respect for any other. Every day, the smallest of slights can be upsetting. It happened to me just now, I am in a no smoking zone and someone else lights up. My immediate reaction is indignation, a bit of how dare they creeps into me. I decide I am here right now to regulate no one but me. I will not smoke or break a ban that is in place. And I will get on with my time and make most use of it.
Respect is a simple and easy attitude to develop. We know how we might be treated and how others might treat us. We need to be open to respect, and confidence that, for the most part we get respect from others. Don't let anotherís lack of respect dull your own senses, or we follow them into despair, negativity and sadness.