A big meeting for a lunchtime on this particular day. And someone I met in my early days was speaking first as the "chairperson." the chairperson is the invited speaker at a meeting. Sometimes we have a chairperson lined up and booked and more often than not the secretary of the meeting asks a person who just turns up like the rest of us. We do the chair usually even if we are shy or nervous, because its ok to be a normal and unpractised speaker. Its just normal to speak our experience strength and hope.
Anyone sharing their experiences and talking about their problems, then their solutions and often not knowing the solutions, well in the main we feel better for sharing, and better able to receive some kind of feedback as people join in after we finish our story for the day, or our life generally.
Indeed a brand new person to fellowship stood up and quite graciously and courageously explained their current predicament. it’s a privilege to hear a new person speak, it reminds me how I felt in such a situation. And its good to be reminded of those churning moments of admission and then wondering what to do next.
And thinking about last night where the glamour hour was less glamorous and more serious as a few shared their life stories. Its always going to be a hit and miss meeting, we never know with a meeting which way it may turn. Sad last night as some are in emotional pain.
All about emotional sobriety in our meeting today at Radnor Walk. It helps me calibrate who I am today..
So far ok and more than ok with smiles in my feelings. Its just as may be. Friendship and fellowship, always good starting points and then with laughter and fun moments.
A return to fellowship, for someone who knows recovery inside out. Driven to the deep of where sadness lies, and then some, a returning and gentle person looking for a path for mending once again. Life is never easy!
Clinical Depressions and versions thereof ..
We need seek professional help for them or we miss the opportunity to get on the field of play where recovery and back to ordinary living is lived. So easy to want nothing to impede our progress and recovery which drives us to unmanageable living without help or support of professionals, we want to be ok and yet realise there is a deficit in us which precludes normal living without some chemical support or the right form of therapy.
We need find the right help from the right sources for what ails us or we are living on a thread often. Not quite understanding our folly in slippage is really expected and not a wilful endeavour. Black despair is not resolved with wishing a normal path, we need understand what science and professional support can do to help keep emotional sobriety by the day. Was it ever so? No is the simple answer as many people left this world too soon because there was no help from the dark of depressions. I need remind myself where those black dog days are, in the past for now, and yet ever present if I am not watchful and examine my path.
8th December 2006
In my humble Opinion!
I realise the humble and opinion lead us all to react with, here he goes again! Yes opinions we are all stuffed with opinions, what is good for us, what is good for our neighbours, the world and his wife as is often said. And today I have offered one or two sharp opinions as to cause and effect. Being in the helping people business for many, many years, I strive to have no opinions in the main about what is good for anyone.
My humble Opinion
Is to develop ways of living which suit oneself, that fit and integrate with our immediate reality, where we may live and be ourselves as others live and be themselves. That is my opinion.
Process and finding our Way
Not such an easy subject. For in my experience I have tried multitudes of others advice and opinion to help me along and help others along too. And yet everyone develops with luck their own way in life and makes their authentic and unique stamp on themselves and their living. We do it our completely unique yet similar way. We have our quirks and foibles and why not? We are better for them and give us personality and things we cherish and others cherish in us.
Some of us get Contorted and Tortured along the Opinion Route
Through lack of confidence or trying to emulate what we know is valued or be a celebrity, or have just enough presence to fade into the background and not know our true identity. Some of us are not put together as well as the perfect model, indeed very few are for there is no perfect model, just what we learn to cherish and honour.
Yet we do find conditions which hamper progress
And today I have been pondering if I did the right thing to share with another part of their behaviour and how it impacts on me. In truth I need tell them, in truth its nothing they want to hear. In truth its their business and not mine, in truth I cannot relate to them as they are. And in truth I have let go and forgiven and accept my fate. The bringer of news not wished for, and resented and disliked. For in truth telling the truth of recent times to those who are not even aware of their demeanour and behaviour it is a nasty denial to take on board.
Denials and Behaviours
In truth the denial is complete as they cannot see their behaviour, and if they do now they will resent knowing now its in the open. And in truth it may be too hard to accept. For the truth is it is hampering them in their living. And as I am the deliverer of a suggestion to the good. Albeit given in good faith, I feel their power and anger and hateful knowledge there is truth in what I say. Ego is masked with charm, and in some cases truly dysfunctional behaviour parades in many attractive forms to the onlooker and participant in the affair. Affair in the sense of event not affair of the heart in this case.
What Lies Beneath this Behaviour
Truly what lies beneath this behaviour is a truly wonderful person who has a habit and a preponderance to behave in a protective way to their inner being. Not a bad idea overall, except when all learning is filtered through their defensive process of least harm and hurt.
The bruises we get, the functions we rely upon to keep ourselves together, so often mask the truth of us we cannot accept our true state. We find there is some denial as truthfully imperfection has ever been our strong point.
And yet when do acknowledge our behaviour and see how modification lets in so much more than we experience through our filters to manage our fears, we might do well to listen.
And this applies to me too
We all have filters and things we use to manage our reality, when we stop filtering and let reality in we are surprised that there is nothing to fear in finding out, and everything to gain in our understanding ourselves.
I could be so wrong in what I see, and although what I see is based on observance as I used in past clinical environments, it does not help the other in the spotlight to have something so personal shared as bluntly as I have. And how else could I do so, when in reality it hampers everything they do. And at the same time accept our connection is gone in the process. I accept that totally today.
I need not hurt on their behalf or be hurt by them
And that was the risk as always in these matters, where I go against my instinct and against the evidence I have over a long time. Snap judgments in the past have helped, and in this instance with so much else to contend with I have let something continue in the spirit of fellowship which deserved an ending long ago.
As to my opinion tonight
I hold to the opinions I have, and know with certainty it needs further investigation by them and not by me, my role is done in this instance and maybe one day will be understood. So many of us go around deluded for years, and when we hear the truth embrace or deny it, it depends on what we fear most. Exposure or support, and tonight neither will ever do.
So acceptance may be the key, as I have always found in matters like these that others will find their way as they will, and not as I may suggest. And that is always the case.
Was actually hard to hear and easier as the time went on to hear the next step in my journey and who I let close in to my fellowship as each day passes. Most likely everyone as per usual and with a more balanced and understanding appraisal of the rightness and the connection. It does me no credit to have taken so long to let this matter go along. And truth is I knew no better, and time affords our decisions made just as they can be, in the moment. There is never a right time for anything, just the time when they occur, these decisions and connections. As they will be and as they are.
December 8th 2005
Our spiritual health
spirituel, from Late Latin spiritualis, from Latin, of breathing, of wind, from spiritus of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit...
In matters of spiritual health, silence, noise, happiness, love, and openness are important elements. Happiness leads to good health. Only we can give this 'medicine' to ourselves. Some of us bring illness to ourselves through anger, greed, unfulfilled desires, expectations, and most often suppression of feelings. Especially in our relationships when true love is elusive. A healthy spiritual self acknowledges all emotions for what they are,
nature's gift and used in their true value, indispensable Look inwards to our spirit, we will find where our ailments began. Helpful ingredients for a
healthy life include: paying attention to our living and undoing our worry; using time in a worthwhile way; understanding our feelings and thoughts, moving ourselves to positives and building our strength. Recognising our negatives and working ourselves out! When we let our spirit free we recognise every emotion, its value, its place, its worthiness and our value, right sized and right on!
~ ying yang bang ~
Our light our dark,
Our plus our minus
Our Ying Yang bang
Its not so stark
There is something we forget about ourselves. We spend much of life in compartments, we have roles to play, we this thing to one person and that to another. We are the good for many we meet, and they value us and we are the bad that some would never wish to meet. We are of this inside and we really do forget what we are. Inside us, we recognize our good and lesser qualities. Yet the best of us is bad, and the worst of us is good. We cannot separate our experience of life to the good and the bad. We see our mentors and heroes.
We value what we see of them and we forget what we don’t see, won’t see. We do not learn to be good without learning how to be bad. We may sit and judge for the good and miss some of the bad. But we don’t know the value of bad till its experienced. And often we go so bad, we find it hard to get back to our balance. For millennia, the wise souls we seek out, they make it plain. We can experience both good and bad times.
We need both to make sense of the other. Why do sayings repeat these learning’s for us? So we know how to find value in all our experience…. We need our sadness to make good our joy. We need our dark times, so we make light of the light and know the difference! We need lose our sanctimony, our squeak of clean and emerge the better for our dark days, weeks, months and even years. We pay the price. When we go to extremes, we experience with intensity. The height of success and depth of failure. With both in our life, make our contract of living. Without one or other we have no balance,
Our Ying Yang Bang
Goes on forever,
Bigger or smaller
Keep your Bang and
your Ying Yang
Life’s Maybe Merry go Round!!!
December 8th 2004
Let sweetness in my thoughts, words and actions be the most visible of all virtues.
Some of these sayings I find, well they are sometimes hard to imagine in my own mind. The sweetness of thoughts... its hard to grasp. It comes after a long time, the notion that there are just pleasant thoughts. Translating these into action and deeds is sometimes almost too far out of sight to bring to reality.
The world, it often seems to spin on hostility and fractious doings of humans. When inside we would appreciate being given just enough space to breathe, not be under pressure which slows us, rather than speed us up.
We can in our own way slow the world in our head, to experience joy, we can slow it enough to give way to sadness. We damp down to often the emotions and so live in denial so easy, its called the fast lane, let go and moving on to the next. We lose our sense of fulfilment when ignore happiness and sorrows in full measure.
Best to let the feelings flow their natural course, lest we lose our feelings forever more.