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November 28 2007

DonInLondon - ‘Day In The Life’ Affairs Of The Heart

Love Is

Letter to a friend:

Thanks for asking I am ok this morning. End of Story on me for now!

More about what you say, and this is just for you, or however you feel about sharing it .

In your situation, and I have been in it because it's a maturity thing, as much as anything, the hateful aspect of realising another can wound us so profoundly is absolute torture and makes us feel a pain inside as harsh as a bullet. And the anxiety and panic of loss is awful. When another wounds us by their behaviour so badly, we want to turn the clock back, forget what they have or are doing and get them back to where life was safe and love seemed to be as strong and mutual as ever it was.

I have read we hurt ourselves when we love, that the love we lavished is our pain and not that of our lover, they may be free and clear. Sadly it is so. Not for any reason other than they do not love us as we love them. That is an awful truth to feel.

Love and Hate

When we are really sensitive caring and loving, and we love unconditionally as we learn from our family and how we prefer to be, then we are truly cut so deep we cannot believe the truth. The truth is we have loved a person who we knew was not perfect and at the same time we cannot live without them it may seem. Even though they are not perfect, we love them and we know its all of them we love.

We put a lot of faith into a person, and then we find they are not the person we ever imagined. I wonder about the man you love, and wonder really if they realise the impact they have had. The short answer is no. And the long answer is everything you feel and experience right now. Somehow we would share our feelings with our lover, the truth is they cannot feel this way.

object width="425" height="350">Everything you say about the maturity of the man you love you know is true. Don't forget we can love a person and hate their behaviour. We hate what they are doing and yet we still love them. Mad we can be with grief and the awfulness is devastating.

We can ask ourselves, did I plan it this way, did he plan it this way? In the end we know full well love will make us do many things. With a sober and understanding nature we can love people with so many flaws they will drive us to distraction. At the same time when we deal with a person who is still finding out who they are and have not grown up enough to love themselves, let alone another, we are in hard hostile territory.

People we love. they come in so many categories, from family to friends to lovers and then the one we feel most comfortable with to be a life long partner. And with all our efforts and intimacy, and everything we know, we want that partnership.

We are often led by our needs than by realities. I have loved and wanted to find that one woman for me, and found her more than once, and that is a product of me being older, and only just wisdom learned.

As I said I hope we grieve loss of partners and often with deeper feelings when they have left us and gone their own path.

Somehow we need have our tears and our adjustments to our new reality. I am glad you decided to keep the gift as it means more to you than to your partner now gone. We don't have to be bitter or twisted forever, just recognise the pain and hurt.

How to Heal

You are doing marvellously in many ways. You are facing as much as you can in manageable chunks, as the days go by. Its ok to feel sorrow, it is not self pity or poor me. Its grieving a huge loss.

Looking for connection to them again is very human and we will it so, as much as we can. This is me writing about me, and still in the deep of me I wonder why I want them back? Because we don't stop loving them of course. We don't need or want their behaviour but we want and feel the need of our lover? I know this was me, and I don't know you too well, so I may be off in my thinking.

When a person starts to recover their wits or just plain grow up some, everything changes. And we who are bereft feel these changes horribly, and the lover? Cannot feel as we do, for they have not developed that capacity in their youth or growing years. We do not need the child they have become again with everything to learn, we want what they have not got in essence, they don't know how to love and need learn it. If only they could have learned it with us!

My most significant other, she is well when last heard of, and was happy. And for that I am grateful. I am glad and would thank her for leaving me, I needed to grow too. Together I felt it would have worked, but in reality she had not ever grown up. And then I really turned to drink. I am glad you don't, it solves nothing and prolongs the pain. And so now I play catch up with my loving capacities. We start from scratch again with wisdom of the years, or worse hang ups of the years!

Keeping a safe routine, looking after your good self and having as many angry moments as one needs is really good processing of feelings and letting go as we may.

And you have summed up where your partner is.

As to where to share and what to do. Al Anon, I have no experience, although I have been told it may help me understand my Dad and his alcoholism. Actually I don't need to as AA is good enough. And for years I was either in counselling or counselling others. Much of what felt like theory over the years has become experience with the passing of the years.

Your expression through the blog or any journal can help. Letting go in digestible chunks. but things go around and around for ages. This is plain normal.

Cherish

We do learn to cherish again, and cherish what was, we can be happier knowing our side of things and what we did was right. We can live more freely as we realise we are letting go a burden and the knowledge that our love was never wasted, as we have more love in us when we are healed enough. We learn sooner that we need see the mistakes made before and not repeat them.

Who can help?

Friends, to an extent, counsellors to an extent. As you say though, how many times need you explain this again and again. The answer is until you feel more secure and happier in yourself. We live life and experience, we don't do so well suppressing and denying our feelings, or they come back when we are in new relationships.

Best to

Best to stick with truth and be honest, feel it and then utilise it as experience for what happens next, and not repeat patterns which lead to same scenarios.

What I have had to do

Was let go the lover who was everything I could ever have wanted. Actually I did not let her go, she ran for the hills! A sensible Lady I feel these days. And why let go completely? Because of her experiences, she is changed beyond anything I might recognise today. And for me? I too have changed. No matter what, I still value every loving moment we had together, and know it is beyond my reach forever. And letting go means we can love again..

When we do move on and start again, we can be more clear on boundaries and truth and honesty. It may help to an extent, and still people are people…

Now

My recent encounters with affairs of the heart have come to nothing in truth. I have my vulnerabilities as you most likely know from my journals on the web or you tube. And this is for as many reasons to do with me, as women who I can adore from a distance. Its safe until cupids arrow hits me again!

I need not hurt anyone as badly as I have been, or by any superficial behaviour and would cherish a partner as time unfolds the plot. We don't really choose who we love, it just happens somehow. So I need be prepared and ready by letting go and making room to grow and be there if it ever happens. I can hope, and smile when I write this today.

Meanwhile being single and free to develop myself and outlook, with a clear head is best. Build confidence or just get it back. Not ego or thin living with nothing to back it up.

People grow together or apart. We can hang in there too long and the pain is a great it can be.

Keep well and be comfortable with yourself, I know as you write you are worth it, and life may well turn around as you get back to being your true self,

regards Don




28th November 2006

Where and what Next

Odd time of year to ponder on where and what next, especially when it can feel difficult to put one foot in front of the other. What is going on? The world seems tired of itself in my eyes, as if things are winding up. And the hardness of conflicts drifting across decades can only serve to put pressure on people to give up their notions of revenge. We might hope, yet it seems the capacity to fear and hate the world is ever present and resentments run deep in lives lost to causes they don’t even understand.

There is much doom and gloom about. It weighs heavily on me sometimes. I know its not my place to feel the pain of others, I need only feel my own. My own pain these last couple of days has come about because of ailments I have, not because of anything bigger than me. But the two do go together and can drag me down.

I resolve to make the most of and be good and kind, to respect borders and boundaries, to be responsible for my own feelings and outcomes. And with support from a fellowship things do work themselves out.

Too many connections at the moment. Too many people feeling things I cannot be involved in, I need make the boundaries and not be sucked into disparate and unhelpful undermining of my principles and values. Making do is no good on some simple elements of life.

When I hear others glumness and disparity these days it really can be difficult to insulate from it, and truthfully too many have fallen for old mind tricks and denials recently. This makes for hard times, as pulling myself up to level and balance seems to be undermined by propping up others. Indeed this is the nub of the disaffection. That my path works and others merely pay lip service to simple understandings which can really work well, if we let them.

Some are really wrapped up tight in melodies of old songs which play to weakness rather than fortitude and faith. Some believe in magic, some belief in father Christmas. Some believe in old notions and magic potions. Actually all we need do is work towards reality and truth to make good much of what makes the world fall down.

Now I have said all this, I realise its just me reacting to other peoples outlooks which don’t suit me. As usual my only complaint really is in me, and maybe not quite accepting reality today.

I have been cycling, which helps me get around, walking has been as painful as can be for weeks, and no amount of medication will cure the malady. It is forever. And so is the clinical depression. Non reactive and prone to return on its own, it does and has done so recently. This is where my irritation overwhelmed me. And not accepting it. The more I accept the better I feel rather than playing the game of it will be ok, when in fact non of these things are ok, they are part of living.

I guess its me listening to denials in my own mind, then encouraged by others in the denials, a sort of colluding.

Tonight

I spoke out and quick vividly on the subject of faith and understanding. Per se faith works and does a power of good. As does good conscience and living to a code of principles which works for me,

Codes and Ethics

I know mine are pretty clear, and to a great extent I am able to be myself and live with them. When I don’t that is where the trouble starts. And especially little white lies of others I don’t challenge. For indeed its not my business to challenge others and their behaviour, unless of course it is affecting me. And this maybe is the key. Maybe I may need to challenge and be supportive at the same time, and yet I know the path to self awareness is better learned with patience. Good conscience helps me let go my impatience. But right now maybe its my patience which is lacking.

I don’t wish for deceit or delusions, or to have them shared with me, and the sin of omission is one big one for me.

I feel I had not been as honest and challenging as I may be. And yet feel at a disadvantage because of me. It seems times always come to end those things which give so much unhelpful space to other people’s stuff in my head. Time to stop it and be focussed on each day as it presents. And look at where next for yours truly.

I need productive labour, and something to do beyond old skills which have worn me down. And in writing there is some cathartic relief. But not the solution. So without driving this too hard and in blind panic, I need consider how to make the best of what I have, and deploy myself usefully. There is a lot that I can do, and see its time to look out. And not look back.

The incapacities being what they are have taught me a hard lesson this last week, and its not always with grace and acceptance that I look at my situation. Especially when in reality I am living now beyond my means, simple utilities have made life pretty tight in my economy. And this is something to consider, how and what next. Failure would be to avoid the obvious, and acceptance is actually working out what to do beyond just being alive, which actually was all I might have done over recent times. So some practical steps and questions need be raised by me I feel, with who is yet to be determined..

Anyway apart from all that and the fact that I have been sorely tested just walking, I am ok in my head. Letting out the crap and putting it to paper makes for next steps, I will have to apply myself even more to practical matters.

A possible change of address

A sign has gone up outside the property I am living in advertising it for let, which must mean changes are afoot. And so change will happen. Powerless over this I accept it, just maybe I need ask what I may do to co operate in next steps which are beyond my control. I don’t enjoy this but know there is nothing to do but cooperate as best I may. Not easy and best find out how..

Overall

Its been good, those I know, I know where they are and what is occurring except in one instance, which I guess causes me much consternation, and is certainly beyond my influence, and that I accept too, with enough reluctance for it to hurt me, and yet enough to let go and move on, for indeed moving on is all part of what will happen now. Best go with the flow, and be able to have happy moments as its probably time to pack up and move on.

When is not in my power to know, most likely sooner than later. As forces of this world are far greater than my influence to find a path which might suit me, and no one else. That’s life and real life. The spiritual connection is in accepting and living the change, as I may and with good conscience, and not the bitterness of self will run out and run down.

I am and may be happy, a roof over my head, and a fellowship to help me stay close to each day, a day at a time. There is nothing more I need, and in the process work with and for the good. Good conscience is always there to help guide us all so long as we let go denial and let reality help find our way. Just for today.

Of the big world, the global enterprise of humanity, we are in poor shape today. And it will get worse as many bury their heads in the sand and do not consider all we know and how we all may live. We need learn all over the lessons of history, just merely moving minutely as civilisation creeps ahead, and often backwards in its destructive construction. Broken and rebuilding as we move along, barren wastes of humanity lost to doctrines and futile endeavours. The more we are profligate, the bigger the damage to greater numbers of humanity, we are not learning as we may. And time is short as the engines of production make scarce futures for all concerned. When we know the consequences how can we move against nature and providence so? It is in our purpose and living, lost quietly in progress to an end we might have wished different, and certainly beyond my time.

November 28th 2005

Is 'will power' to blame?

The notion of "willpower" has caused a lot of anguish in modern times."We would all like to think that our conscious will is the master of our destiny but it takes only a brief introduction to the facts of life to realize that the truth is otherwise. No one who has ever eaten something they had already made up their mind ("willed") they would not eat—said something they had made up their mind not to say—smoked again after quitting for the umpteenth time—or experienced any of the thousands of other failures of will could possibly say they are in total, conscious control of their lives. Not seriously." I agree with this most obvious truth. The delusion that we can conquer all with our will.. The notions of our elevation to near deity has given some a problem in history, like the King who tried to turn back the tide and sea. He knew himself that he could not do this, yet tried and so demonstrated to his subjects that his will was not great enough! Canute.

And yet we find the notion of will power still fills the ego and our failure of will forever offers an opportunity for further failures. Put plainly will power will always fail. And when we look at our will, we might dig just deep enough to accept the use of will does most of us no favour and no one else any either. Good examples of wilful behaviour are abundant in public and private lives. We accept their failure and yet we wonder why they have failed.

Will power is often the quick fix, we can overcome some adversity and put right the world, our life or something in between. There is something more fundamental we can experience should we wish to investigate, put our ego to one side and our belief in our own deification... It is the ability to let go put simply. Ask yourself what would I let go today, and so make room for something new, or more of something I truly value in my life? Find something you would let go today, and see if there is more room for you...

November 28th 2004

Co-operation

co-operation comes when there is both love for the task and trust in the special part each person plays.

-/-




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Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.






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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.




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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.































Don In London
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Progress Not Perfection



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