All to the good some minor repairs to finish tomorrow and the bike will be fine. I realise it can be a tricky time doing more things than I am doing usually especially when it involves patience particularly and learning new things.
Is it this time of year when we hark back to previous years and people we have known, as Christmas is as big a birthday for many as their own birthday too. And also birthdays of those we have loved and are not part of our living today, because they are dead or just gone because of situation and circumstances.
I was asked several times about matters of the heart after sharing some of my experiences over the years tonight. And that was ok. Long gone is blame or hurt, long gone is wanting it to be someone elseís fault. Or actually my fault! If I could blame myself more I could engineer my own downfall more with a drink or two if the depression around those issues had not been resolved.
We live our consequences and share them in our understanding and living in a recovery programme like Alcoholics Anonymous. Consequences are some people freely forgive us our failings at the time, and realise who we were back in the day when these matters happened. And it would be really unhelpful to consider I had been more knowledgeable and more able to know the truth over others truth these days. It was what it was.
As memory pricks up from time to time to remind me of golden moments, so too is sadness as things did work out. Still in living we all change gradually, and with a wistful understanding I know everyone changes as life progresses. Golden moments they were and never likely to be repeated. And good maybe that they cannot be so.
I feel the touch of others and their feelings somehow as a sensitive soul, and can read a person fairly well. It was my job after all, in the end resolving many people issues and how to help them.
So when asked tonight I fairly easily knew intuitively what helps most when certain questions are asked about work and relationships. And it is the experience of life and recovery which helps me more than ever read and understand human attributes and ways of behaving given circumstances. Just plain knowing is not much help without suggestions so some were offered, and palliatives either which are worse than useless encouragement to more insanity most often.
A couple of people asked me what I did for a living, and having merely got to recovering some of my wits and some of my physical complaints make me a very unattractive prospect for I suppose conventional work. And where next is a good question to ask.
Writing and Photography may be a key to future endeavour, it seems so. At the same time I need be careful as things can get out of hand quickly and expectations need managing for me let alone anyone else.
As we learn life sometimes from scratch all over again it is ok, and to be a learner with all the mistakes to make over again in learning is good. The strength is in knowing we are learning from living and breathing new outlooks.
Strength in fellowship helps, knowing we do the endeavour helps as we learn our boundaries all over again.
If we can be teachable and learnable, we make good on what is possible. And let go that awful feeling of newness and fear of being shown up. Learning is good, remaining ignorant is a chore and unhelpful to any heart set on new life. It takes time and effort, the endeavours are worth it, as we may and as life affords. Only we might make it less than in letting our fear overwhelm us. Better to let new times happens and revere what is good in the past. And cherish happy memories of times best recalled with good humour and tinged with sorrow. We are worthy of sorrow, and of happy recollections.
26th November 2006 [All about the Past]
This has been a week of revelations about the underworld of spies and all they get up to I guess. When spies are doing their job all is well, when spies are out in the cold, they get gone, or as it seems done in.
Tragedy as lives are lost to lost causes and then we find as the walls come down and life becomes more transparent, what use is spying anyway? And as our world is now more dangerous, the role of spying is more than ever necessary. We donít seem equipped for any of the terror we face, we donít seem able to make any difference or persuade through our democratic process. What has gone wrong?
Is not really politically correct in democratic countries. We might wonder at the level of spying that goes on and how sophisticated it may be. We will never know if we are lucky, as the whole spying business by its very nature is useless when exposed. It actually undermines credibility in democratic process, the very thing we want to preserve!
The whole business with our radioactive dead spy, and all the sorrow attached and all the fear created and all the questions, does nothing to enhance anything approaching good relations, east, west, north and south in fact it does the reverse.
I am truly sorry for the person assassinated and can only feel this highlights the worst of state sponsored activities outside democracy. Yet counter insurgence and counter intelligence have always played their part.
Need to know
We donít need to know all these things governments do, or do we? For they represent a way of living and spying as it happens. And the incident in Northern Ireland shows how long memories and lives are. Where someone, and they cannot be the only ones, have still much to say and do to undermine democracy as it is in its infancy. Its truly shocking to see the veneer of civilised life is so thin these days.
What Tony Blair intimates often is the reality of where we are today. And we donít like where we are, and we donít like the fact that terror is on our doorstep. And we donít like that Mr Blair has probably done much to stir up the problem than make it better with our foreign policy.
A return to democratic rule and simple process. The ever growing law and order statutes and enactments make our society more complex and more difficult to police. Indeed given our population its clear we need more men in uniform and present and active in our communities. And this is part of the problem.
We are a big population, diverse and divided, by more complex and layering laws, badly formed and unenforceable. We need to simplify our legal system, probably have a constitution, probably need simple rules and order, and a presence to enforce democracy. Odd is it not that we need more policing to enforce democratic rule which might free citizens to live in harmony? What paradoxes this decade is providing.
Slim down the rule book, make it clear what a citizen can do, and what is democratic. Deploy proper and well trained authorities to make sure the law is upheld, make sure we have good laws and not half baked laws. Donít alienate our diverse citizens, who are citizens or have we forgotten our democracy and thrown it down the drain in pursuit of terrorism?
Like topsy, law is strangling order, and order needs to be restored. We donít need spies these days, we need democracy. Palpable and plain, realistic and fair, recognising a citizen and treating them so.
We need to ensure crazy singular acts against other sovereign states go through diplomatic channels, we need make our institutions work and be fearless in these arenas, and also accept they will only get good through time.
The ultimate quick fix of invasion has been proved over and over to be unsuccessful and costly to human life. We donít need this, and we donít need gung ho cavalier types being allowed to run rough shod over all our democratic principles. Its time democratic governments made sure their figure heads and leaders stop acting as War Lords with moral turpitude, when they actually donít act democratically and donít make good laws. The rule book has been so corrupted to suit power, its time it was made more clear and more enforceable. No amount of bad law will fix our country if we keep electing poor leaders, long on charisma and short on common sense.
One day it will be better, not in my lifetime I feel certain for the changes will come as time dictates and not to a short lived agenda driven by short term governments.. One day there will be peace on this Earth, and with some trepidation I hope mankind are still around to see it.
November 26th 2005
Mea culpa is Latin for "my fault". The more contemporary slang translation might be "my bad". The bottom line is that in saying these words we accept personal responsibility for our part in the problem. In most activities we play our part in proceedings and we are likely to enjoy our success and learning as we go. Or are we?
There is something inside us which finds it hard to appear less able than we are, its a strange and natural feeling. This feeling of being "less than" we might be. And we forget how close we are to nature when these feelings come to the fore. Take a look at any domestic animal, and most wild animals. They have cover up behaviour, they can experience shame and guilt, they can made to feel less than ok with the moment. So why do we think we are any different, we experience not knowing, we attempt bravado, we puff ourselves up, and we experience indignance. Mea Culpa, we can all feel this agonising desire to withdraw and hide our vulnerabilities. And worse when we feel we are less than, we need some way to keep ourselves together, we most likely push ourselves to cover up, and one best defence we try is to be aggressive. We push others back away from our feelings by making them feel their own fears.
We get angry, we feel we need to hide our experience, we need space we remove ourselves from the arena of pain, either physically or mentally. We do this as long as we need to, and we don't even know we do it half the time or we know we do it, and cannot help it. We humans are full of contradictions, and we feel the pain of learning like no other when it is our learning.
Unless we recognise "Mea Culpa" for what is really is Me Culpa is our right to make mistakes and learn from them. Mea Culpa, a mantra for the modern age of learning. Mea Culpa used in context and with agreement makes lets us all be learners and experts in the right measure.
And mea culpa stops us sticking two fingers up to the world, when all we need really do is accept our mistakes and get over the them...
November 26th 2004
A feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury
Resentments occur, they are there. We get them from time to time, we can hold them close and nurse them, we can let them go and be liberated, its a matter of choice.
We are not so perfect in our feelings. We can often compare our situation with others and fall down inside when we feel we don't measure up to another. In our smallness we harbour resentful feelings.
In seeing the world, if we say to ourselves, the world is just the way it is meant to be right now, and everyone in it is in their place, we open up an understanding.
Its a simple understanding with our place in the world and everyone else. Its capturing the moment of now, right place right time and right for now. We may choose to move and change ourselves and our outlook. We may let go of others notions of how they would want us to be, and most of all stop looking for something outside us to fix a resentment we may feel.
Choosing to let go resentful feelings is liberating, giving us space to grow. Our growth of acceptance as how things are, and our options, enables others to change as they will, and we change and follow our own path enabling us to live now and move to our own rhythm of life..