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November 25 2007

DonInLondon - ‘Day In the Life’ Truth in the Ever Present Moment

All In a Day

Thanks [xxxxx]

You always make me think and remind me about life in general.

I had wondered about the accident on the Kings Road and am sorry three people were hurt. Its horrible and probably something that no one wants to see, I realised it was bad when the police put up screens around the accident. I made a detour around and then came up to the accident by mistake. And the air ambulance man said he was happy for a couple of photo's which is why there was a helicopter on the blog photo‘s yesterday. I said to him the fact the helicopter was ready if needed, was a far better response than taking photo's of the accident itself.

Fellowship

Its lovely when people ask us out for lunch and a great chat about life in general and specifics. I know the person you mention and she is a very gentle soul, and have not seen them for a long while. More to do with seeing family and supporting my sister and mum through hard times with the loss of Christopher. I know and my sister knows we can only do so much to support and then time and grieving happen as it will. Not easy days at all, and you must be feeling a lot of grief for your loss too.

Fellowship helps immensely when as you say, we let it, and people want to be there for us. Smiles a lunch out is very good indeed and I have not been to a Turkish restaurant in years. So not a bad venue for spending quality time.

News of good times is energising as we in the fellowship can be easily set on the road to feeling not quite ourselves and maybe worse, not good enough. The not good enough episodes are less often these days for me. And the daily journal and video diaries help me see progress is being made. I have spent a lot of time not quite understanding whether I am worth it. Its not because of what people have done or how they have treated me, its just coming out of a malaise which means I do have more to do to look after myself than most. Recovery is a job in itself, plus the added chronic conditions of type 1 diabetes and clinical depression have made for a complicated self maintenance programme. If indeed self maintenance is the answer, I doubt it is from my experience.

And I realise you are very aware of your particular situation too. We both have extras to contend with I feel when it comes to this new living and new ordinary, extraordinary existence.

A good example is just this morning, doing bicycle repairs. Half the time with a dizzy head, impatience with myself and talking it through in my head as I go, to slow down and rest and be careful. Its all part of new living, dealing with a less than perfect set of equipment mentally and physically. The emotional and psychological components do not respond to cognitive reasoning particularly or as its called CBT. I know the theory and the practice. We cannot practice grief, we live grief as we will. And so in some ways all this new technological approach to emotional catastrophes is simply another way of giving ourselves a kick up the backside and an exhortation to pull ourselves together!

We need to breakdown and feel grief is my view, with the knowledge of CBT [ that is the emotional process ] in the background we need remind ourselves grief is lived and then understood as time affords.

Spiritual

And of course spiritual development is a whole new discovery post the debacle years of darkness.

Short Cuts and Fixes

I wonder how many times in the past, before we were burdened with alcoholism, we just did that, dusted ourselves off and started over, suppressing so much and fixing nothing but a brave face. My brave face still comes back to haunt me.

The Rooms of our Fellowship

And yesterday in Radnor walk I had a minor breakthrough and shared my reservations of the journal and video log I have kept for a long time now. It was good to say it. I still know it leaves me with conundrums, as its been going on for years. And real stuff of recovery is not in pernickety dogma as a mutual friend shared. And that is a far as I can take it without a yellow card infringements.

Of course it had to be a tradition 11 meeting yesterday! About media and press and general matters of Anonymity. The sharer and chair made it very clear that times are changing. my share which is not yellow card for me to share my stuff, was simply anonymity in the fellowship provides sanctuary for us to share our truth. Anyway enough of that for now.

I do believe we get the best opportunity in fellowship to find our way and be comfortable in the rooms sharing and letting go our worries and also sharing strength and hope.

Its an interesting time for me just now, and your mention of matters of the heart and whether life is to be singular given all we have been through, and what next. I do feel the answer is always to find our right way to live and deal with relationships as they manifest. I feel the time for relationships is as we encounter them rather than try plan or just feel we are ready for one.

Risky Business

You made me smile when mentioning the relative damage we have encountered in life. In no way do I consider anyone as damaged, it feels unhelpful to feel that we are so.

Comparatively, we have the greatest opportunity to make the best of what we have. Life experiences are pretty awful sometimes, and I realise some of yours are of a magnitude which do take time and they are beyond comprehension for the vast majority. I may be one of those too I feel.

Although the complete destruction of me, helped by me for a long time simply because I could not face the truth of life, in no way helps me understand your encounters with tragedies which seem far worse than mine. So I realise the path is as hard as it may be, for each of us.

Risks

I wonder about risks. There are quite a few risks I may be prepared to make when it comes to affairs of the heart! I also know and am smiling at me when I say this, I love my female friends in the fellowship, including you I realise in the spirit of fellowship. And it made me laugh recently when one of our female friends said the last thing she will ever want is a relationship with a man in recovery. And it still makes me smile now, because I would not consider her outlook wrong or outrageous, simply practical and the what if's are without doubt considerable.

Risks for me particularly. Smiles here, I realise its not the risks that stop me, it's where I have got to so far. For now I am happy on my own, which is really risky! Or is it just nice to be ok being oneself? We need be open and see how life is going. Anticipating or feeling not right in ourselves is about the past and the future, and nothing to do with now. Now is all we have and this moment. Our head can say lots to us and we miss what is right in front of us often as we see saw between previous experiences and future experiences.

Conforming or ?

I still have grief for the past which thankfully is rightsizing itself and leaving me open and willing. Reminds me of Dickens and "Barkis is willing." And still I feel best in company, so fellowship helps. And actually fills my need for closeness very often. As sharing and honesty keep me straightforward in my outlook, I still admire and have the usual desires of a heterosexual male. I suspect my head remains youthful as my appearance and outlook has matured to reflect my real age. And I enjoy female company per se, which has always led me into affairs in the old days when drinking afforded much naughtiness. With a sober noggin these days, playfulness and being happy make me comfortable in my own head and very mindful of feelings. Notwithstanding that there are a raft of reasons why I am not the catch of the day anymore. And fortunately I am very accepting of this new me and all I am! I don't feel I would change a thing in my journey nor undermine the good there is today with a clear head.

We never know who we will meet on our journey. And we are not able to make it happen just so. So I am pleased to be powerless over some elements of being human. I do know trying to conform to patterns or trying to be something I am not will undo me far faster than just going with the flow of life.

And of course serendipity and just all the usual stuff of life keeps us on our toes with a frisson always there in some encounters.

Integrity in all matters these days is always key, and the happy times are about as well as the troughs. If it were a song, stormy weather comes to mind or there may be trouble ahead. As in all matters we go with the flow and being aware for ourselves and the outcomes. Better sober definitely, as all relationships are.

Life Experience is a better way to describe our hard knocks, and there are so many similarities. We learn what we don't want again. Nor inflict on others how I was back in the day. And I do feel now, that any experience we have had, we need know what we don't want and still wonder what we need?

More than anything to be ourselves and defined singularly first and foremost. And as to partners, the exact same feels right. Learning we are!

Being a bit of a deep thinker and with deep feelings, what holds good in the past is the same today, truth and honesty. And these days I know where I am, or rather today I know where I am. Singular and content to be so. Tomorrow is another day and I can change my outlook as experience affords.




25th November 2006 [All about the Past]

Now Is The Present, Ever Present Moment

Its as good as that! All the bunkum we may look for, the spiritual enlightenment that so many crave. Simply being present in the moment. So hard! Not so hard, it really does depend on our history, our needs, our wants and our values and principles of living today.

As you might surmise for me to be writing this way something has occurred. Sort of has actually. The fellowship meeting I attended was a right thing for me to do. Rather than go where I usually go on a Friday night, I felt the need for a more intimate venue. Sometimes big meetings are good to identify, and feel present in a throng. And then there are closer and more intimate meetings where there are quite a few but not so many they make me concerned. Its something to do with me, big is impersonal, small and personal when the mood is with me.

Old Curiosity Shop

Sometimes I go there Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I feel I have ignored or just not been in my headspace to be around three times in one weekend and so have ventured elsewhere. Its just the way things go. And actually I see more people over the weekend there I know than anywhere else, not really, for I know so many people now.

Beyond ordinary living

Indeed in ordinary life I knew few people outside business, outside my health club and outside anything connected to material presence in this world. Everything focussed on work and career, what a dull life it seems now looking back. Without anything to connect me or make me aware and part of wider society.

How we get better at living

Knowing myself maybe the answer. To know what makes me tick, to have a connection in fellowship, to have friends I can be with and have no expectations beyond sociability and this present moment.
How am I feeling? Ok tonight. I feel connected to this moment of now. Not mad with history or what if’s. Not insane and needy, of needing anything to alter my mood as it is. I feel quiet tonight and not wanting anything at all. I have little but words for company in my mind. Its quite enough.

Meetings

So often we have no clue what we may encounter. And tonight, it was just friends and people to connect and keep time with. To be part of something outside and inside me. And our speaker tonight not orthodox in their life style, yet completely at that place of one with oneself. At least they seem so… I don’t judge to much

Eyes are the windows to the soul

What we see in others eyes, it sometimes is so intense as we pick up on misunderstandings, fears and what? The goodness and less perilous outlooks, the tortures endured, the lack of understanding and mystified expression, loss and emptiness too. All in those eyes we see, if we look a little closely.

And where were those eyes tonight. So many and so clear, with just a fleeting moment of being present now in the moment, and then overtaken by a battery of internal images and moments relived over and over again.

Silence

Solace in silence and acceptance. When we are present however briefly before our minds eye wanders, into dreams or nightmares past and to be lived in future recollections. We might wonder why it is so hard to be here right now. A gift when we are, a dream when we know what it might be like. We don’t need capture our moments, merely live new ones as they arrive.

Slick and complete in our travels, journeymen we all are as we go through our living. Living in the present moment, is of course possible as peace and harmony afford those precious times present. Safe and silent, complete and at peace. Silence as our heartbeat moves time. To now.

November 25th 2005

Rising Above

Our world, full of detail, so much detail we can be engulfed. We absorb more than we can process comfortably. We have an eye, which is never closed, in our mind. And when we wonder why overloads occur. More often when we close our eyes to sleep, the images and thoughts of the day capture our dreams. And as we made hard work of too much detail when awake, our dreams jumble and create another world distant from our reality. And we are selective in our waking thoughts, to reinforce our views. And we use imagination to help us on our way, when the world is difficult and hard. So hard we can retreat to our best imaginings and complete pictures of how our lives might be. We have our safe world we keep and treasure in our mind, we play our part in the day to day and accept the good and where we can deny the difference which impedes our views… Happy we are to collaborate in our own world and assist our fellows in theirs, for consistent is our desire to experience our joys, and let go our sad times and woe. We find our balance somewhere in between our real, our imagined and our fantasy world. We play amongst the stars and time, heads in clouds and feet on the ground. Illusions and our metaphysics, safe havens when the world of stone plays at odds with our beliefs. And dear metaphysics, where our condition warrants, we move our belief and philosophy above this hard world of realities, and sit content with spirits from our universe.

Be kind as we rise above the day, and let go hard knocks, for those knocks inform our universe and build foundations fast. Where we can roam and touch our stars, and feel the warmth of time and bask radiant in rapturous dreams, where we accept our reality. And as the clock ticks, the mind wrestles free to find a blend of dream and reality, keeps our self safe, and renders life and our universe in harmony. Safe worlds coexist, to zeitgeists tryst and marshal our ever present present!

November 25th 2004

Thought Vibrations

Every thought creates vibrations. Vibrations are like sound waves or radiations. No obstacles, no hurdles can stop them.

We never stop thinking and feeling. Onward, rapacious and delving, our thoughts tumble in our minds eye. Putting them in order to express and share is the most pleasurable gift we have. Feelings are the most difficult elements to share, they belong to us, to share our feelings involves personal risks. We may feel reticent to express our strongest feelings, too close to exposing our true nature. We may reflect and not share them in case we are thought less of by others and often the sharing of feelings might feel immature, especially to those of us who can be deeply hurt, and run the risk of ridicule.

Yet they are felt inside deep and powerful. Our feelings are our essence and their expression is liberating. As we learn to express we achieve balance, no pressure or stress and a freedom of mind to deepen our understanding of our true nature.

Taking a step forward to feeling and expression is a risky business, not taking the risk however, may be more costly to reaching our own truth and peace of mind.

-/-




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Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.






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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.




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The Big Issue Foundation's core ethos is self help. We offer support to homeless and socially excluded people who seek to gain control of their lives and help them move off the streets and into a home and a job.We work with over 2000 vendors across the UK, supporting them with a diverse program of opportunities either delivered through our own services or in partnership with specialist agencies. Each new vendor has a Needs Assessment, and from this an individual action plan is set, which is monitored in supervision sessions with support staff.




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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.































Don In London
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Progress Not Perfection



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