Yesterday or as its now gone midnight, Monday was a bit of a hard swallow with everything. And now it seems like a new day already has dawned and I feel ok just for now.
Some of my friends are having good days and some bad. We need be around for the good and bad of everything. Recovery helps us deal with the good and the bad. Recovery is not ever about the old pink cloud and floating daily in a haze of joy. We get every awful day as anyone does in normal living, how we respond is really how we can make good or just sometimes survive the hardest moments as life deals the cards.
Now it is today the 21st and more alert than the early hours! It was a good day even though sodden with rain, I got out. Sometimes just getting out is the key. And last night hearing the passage on acceptance in the big book helped my frame of mind.
We all have feelings. These come first in how we perceive our situation and then we think. So we feel first and think, then we process these feelings and thoughts. If we are lucky we get to share them.
When I cycle in London, I take the risk because it’s the best way to travel. Even in the rain. I see the world and I perceive all the dangers, and still know its got to be this way, as walking and public transport wipe me out due to my chronic conditions.
Pain is not a stranger either physically or emotionally. The pain of having no purpose and only a desire to drink is a spiritual pain so immense death is preferable. So I know what makes me happier and gives me strength. That is certainly fellowship these days.
Truth is my higher power, absolute truth, not my version or opinion or my insistence on truth. There is the absolute truth of how things are today. And I keep to truth as I share in fellowship or wherever I am, my truth and have a more open mind to truth today. Denial, so useful sometimes, is not a way to live, so truth will out sometime hopefully more often and more informed for sharing and understanding.
I included in my video the passage on acceptance is the key. Simply I need keep sharing and asking and enquiring and living.
We get to live truth as we move along in our lives if we are open and honest and willing. We may never ever be perfect. Yet we can be perfectly open to change and adapt as we may to new living and living the experience of life.
We do live life and life is our school and best educator. What we learn from books and others might have application, might be worthy and often is. Yet judgment can make us observers and criticisers of truth and life.
Yes we need observe in order to clarify our path. And yet too much armchair living, to much passivity and too often stuck one way can blight a life rather than living a life.
So today I am off out and look forward positively. So much better included and part of living and not just watching the world go by.
21st November 2006
You Can’t hide Forever
Interesting observation. Who is hiding? And here comes denial. Hiding, place or state of concealment: a place where somebody is hiding or can hide, or the state of being hidden.
What a state to be in, hiding, I have done the hiding a long time in this life. Hiding what from who? Hiding me from me I would guess in the main. That state of hiding and denial of the truths of life.
Denial that runs so deep it would take a strong mind to delve to such depths and surface with all the truths of me and you. Can this be alone? All my experience has shown me it’s a deep we need to explore with a guide. Some form of journeyman to our soul and reason for living. So deep the cold and heat of that dark inside, chills and makes us sweat and catch our breath in nightmares. Hiding what from who? Me and my Truth. Where is denial today? And why may I want to hide forever…
At a meeting tonight
Yes as usual at a meeting and quite happy to be there, not the centre of the universe nor the ego driven man I might have been although I wonder whether I really understand that I had one or used it consciously. I make the Tea by the way which is how to find out who is who and what. And this I enjoy immensely because I can flirt with girls and have manly conversations with blokes. And still go home and have some peace and time to reflect on my own.
Yes we were with a new sharer tonight, for me they were new, and have been around in fellowship for years. Anyways for me the message was clear, my understanding of the here and now and all our understandings really are based on this one moment we have, where everything is real.
Yes for me the spiritual connection all mankind look for is right here and now and in the ever present, present moment. So for all these years I have endorsements piling up that I have been on track. On track about life, off the track with other matters of living which drove me to distractions beyond sanity. And insanity won for quite a while.
Meetings in fellowship
Help me see where I am today. With everything to contend with and just this one moment, from now to next, there is nothing unmanageable but my imagination and my past. I cannot change one thing in the past nor would wish to. I cannot change this very moment of now, except live it as it is, and to the future, next day, next week or next year. It is out there and beyond control or manageability. I need only focus on now, and consequences.
We cannot hide forever
Indeed this one line of words out of the past, from a man I have known from years ago, said something that connects. And it is not without meaning. We cannot hide from anything actually or distort truth except in our analysis and our desire for it to be different.
I am reminded of another, "How will it show up"
How things show up these days is as good as our minds can deal with truth and honesty. Maybe only honesty stops us in our delusions often so strong we have to live insanity a while before sanity may be restored.
Between the we cannot hide forever and how will things show up? There is no control, we are indeed powerless over both eventualities. We cannot control how things show up or hide from others and how truth manifests.
We can be delusional, we can be forgetful. Yet when we apply our minds to times past and the ever present, present moment of now, absolutes appear and we can deal with them and the consequences.
Values and Principles
Our values and principles are challenged as we move along in truth and honesty. We see our tricks and let go their challenge when we apply to our good conscience and share our views. And we learn what values and principles guide us as we go along in life.
How am I feeling?
Indifferent to much of nothing, and very present with today. Today makes life worthwhile. When my mood is out of control and goes where it will beyond my will or power, then there is acceptance of where it takes me. To a hiding place? Not so for some years I feel. Yet how life is today is not as I might have envisaged to share, nor how others might have thought it would end up. As its not ended just yet, I might reflect it can take me anywhere. And anywhere is ok by me. Where there is good conscience, and the meeting of my mind in this present moment, I can make good choices and decisions, and consult and see how the next steps may be taken. I am driven by nothing and move with ease to the next best thing. I am not troubled by position or power, indeed quite the opposite. Yet at the same time I am careful with myself and everyone I meet.
Open Honest and Willing
Concepts and truths, we live and make good what we will daily, and can review and modify as we may. Nothing is set in stone except intransigence born of ego and intellectual conundrums we set, to puzzle others and our own minds, set free as we see the truth. Our nemesis comes if we are lucky, and never or with the misfortune of shorter living than we may envisage, where our journey set so fast we cannot change without losing everything but our soul.
And this is where we start and end in the metaphysics garden of life. Present and progressions to living in this ever present, present moment, perfect and flawed as we make our way to the next best thing.
Is not my concern, as next will follow as it may. Sitting with careful heart and the without authority for anyone, the next step, whatever it may be, made with sound principles, always challenged and without misgivings, or deniable notions. Is this possible? I may not be the judge of that, you may be, or another life lived. We have now power but the power of now. Sounds like I lifted that phrase from somewhere.
As we get older and wisdom grows through experience we realise the movement we make in this life helps in increments to the next generation and on and on. As a collective humanity, learns so slowly as we can only really get the message through experience and actions, we are forever in a gradual crawl to better understanding of what we may become. And where this journey ends is beyond me. And I am grateful for my part in it, right now and forever.
November 21st 2005
(em)power others by filling your own heart with courage, your thoughts with determination and your eyes with destiny.
We never realise how important power is when we hold on too hard we fear letting go. Power is another element of life we share. We need enough power to get along and so does everyone
else. When we need take on more power and responsibility, we need take care it is accepted. And we can give up our power to others we trust and accept. The balance of power depends on relationships and understandings. Our need and expression of power is always a negotiation. A negotiation best checked and agreed in real time, and real terms. Lest we trip over each other at the controls of life...
November 21st 2004
A Frenchman speaks of Imperialism
Being an Englishman, sometimes wrapped in the warmth of my small yet significant life, I hear words which brush like paint to a canvas, to dry as a permanent reminder of history. It was not just a concern raised to our English nation, it was suggested that America had also adopted an Imperialistic approach to world politics.
I was not at all surprised that our small Island and America so omnipotent would attract a gentle repost and a reminder of our historical Imperialism. It was a Frenchman who said it, Chirac, and with a sting I recognised it, this notion of our world order and righteous behaviour so entrenched in our English heritage.
Without doubt we are challenged, and we should feel the brush of truth, as nerves send angry feelings, tempered with fear and most likely defiance, because we feel our taint to past, present and future history. We are culpable as a nation at war on terror, slipping back to old ways, supported by a rapacious nation hungry for vengeance, America.
I hope we hold our nerve and reflect and look to our misshapen notions of righteous war on terror. For we have unleashed shock and awe, followed by a shift to aggression and inhumanity the equal of those who make war as terrorists.
So quickly we descend to brutish acts of war. Now aggressor and insurgent forces have equality in their barbarity.
We might learn a thing or two. When rocks and barbaric aggression are wielded thus, the outcome is severe and never forgotten. Never in this millennium, as our global world records every moment, every nuance, every action of the conniving Trickster, whether he wears Religious attire or the Uniform of righteous politician, they will be exemplars.
Mendicants who turned our world to folly and near ruin.