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Archive October 21 2007 DonInLondon 'Day in the Life'




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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.






















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October 8 - 15 2007
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October 20 2007

DonInLondon Uncertainty

I have given a lot of thought to the nature of my recovery and how it has worked for me. Part of recovery for me is sharing my message of experience strength and hope.

Over the last few days I have had a lot of messages about what I might do next. As my reasons for stopping my videos is still very much on the agenda, I realise I have made assumptions about what people know about me. And in truth no one is particularly aware of my you tube presence where I am today.

Or at least I thought not until a few days ago. Most of my mail has been to suggest its ok to continue my videos on recovery. At the same time a role in fellowship which I have agreed to means the videos need stop in my view.

At the same time I have no really discussed my past conduct, nor are people particularly aware of my you tube or personal blogs on recovery in the fellowship where I live.

If fellows are aware I am uncertain whether it has been thought through completely. I realise I have not thought through all the aspects with regards to roles in fellowship. And I am beginning to realise my past conduct would probably if not most certainly be a concern for some.

So I am presently making sure that people know what I have done. And the actual truth of this might make them suggest I am not right to take up this new role. And for me that would be perfectly acceptable.

Either way its important people know the extent of what I have done, and what I may do in future. And in all this itís the fellowship and how it works which is important to me, not a role I may have been asked to do without full facts or information!

Fellowship is key to recovery for me, I need not ask anyone to compromise or feel discomfort about me or my views which are not always consistent with how recovery works for some in AA. I need respect those views, and AA is far more important than me and my outlook on recovery.

October 19 2007

DonInLondon - Change is Good

As life moves along we get new challenges and our focus changes. We take on new work and responsibilities in recovery. My life and situation is changing. As a consequence of these changes, the current content and form of my website cannot continue.

Change is Good

Indeed change is paramount and change enables us to refocus and move along in our journey of life.

Coming Soon?

I have no clue other than when it occurs and if appropriate I will share news. Until then, farewell.
~

October 18 2007

DonInLondon - ĎDay in the Lifeí I like to ride my bicycle

Fears of Life - Fear of Life

There are times I make breakthroughs understanding my human condition. Fear is a necessary part of our feeling repertoire.

Fear of intimacy, fear of more grief. I realise as I have been helping a number of friends and also family, grief has us in its thrall as it need be when we experience loss.

As others express to me their aloneness from losing a loved one, I realise my fear is more to do with falling in love again and then the possibility of loss all over again. I donít know that we humans bounce back so well after too many heartbreaking times. As I have been alone and have not been in a relationship for a long time now, my desires are somewhat influenced by the outcomes of intimacy. Loss and my reaction to another one is an issue..

And as another might get close to me, I have my fears for them too, that I am vulnerable and have health issues, and my suitability as a long term prospect is something which concerns me. I would not want another to suffer as my ending is closer these days. This not arrogance it is genuine concern for how another might experience loss. I donít presume to be loved more or less than anyone, I just know my cards are marked more plainly these days.

Bicycle

As the song title goes, riding a bicycle is good for me. I hear the government are suggesting a lot of get on our bikes and get healthy.
Last year this time I was indeed just doing that. Riding a bike in all weathers not just for practical reasons, for health reasons too.

Health

Me and my health. Well after getting into recovery from the horrible addiction to alcohol, a recovering alcoholic I am. And in sobriety, after much effort and understanding the final acceptance of clinical depression and similar related conditions helped me understand my life long misunderstandings about why I felt different to ordinary people. I have strived for ordinary all my life and felt there was something quite alien about me. At odds with where others felt happy I careered full tilt like an obsessed individual always wanting to find this elusive peace of mind others naturally had.

A couple of years down the recovery path and physical health seemed less an issue until I had onset of type 1 diabetes. Injections and all the paraphernalia required for diabetic conditions available in no time flat. Why did I get the onset of type 1, the worst kind? This is a grey area and I have been advised it was most likely a shock to the system caused by a minor operation. A wisdom tooth extraction of all things, then infection, then a virus. I am also sure the shock of giving up drink after 35 years had a major impact. We alcoholics are ready to blame ourselves for everything as we get into recovery. That actually is a defect of character, we need only own our own part in all matters!

And of course with diabetes I have nerve damage occurring. A painful neuropathy in my extremities. My feet [ my "dogs" do bark a lot] hurt from the nerve endings up. So walking has been made difficult, cycling however is a necessity to get anywhere presently. And this has been my mode of transport as much as possible.

I like to ride my bike..

I do actually and its not easy, but it makes me make an effort and to keep fit too. So I am with the government health programme! I hope for a while to come.

Yesterday

No big deals and all pretty normal. As the health of me is precarious and also with a severe back pain it laid me a bit low.

Last nights AA meeting

My meeting last night helped me see this feeling of singularity in me. I am a single and recovering alcoholic. I have experienced as much love can be given without reservation to another human by a human. I have met some truly wonderful women in my life. And still do. The difference these days? Its not if I am good enough per se, its my changing health situation which makes me feel a relationship is not really top of my agenda.

Intimacy, that place where two hearts beat close, where silence is just as it may be, where warmth of another soars our hearts and love is at one with love. Those moments are far away just now and maybe forever.




Wrong Place Wrong Time - Right Place Right Time

Yes this happens, I was off to a meeting tonight and in all honesty I donít think I got quite to the destination I would have preferred. Although the journey has been really illuminating.

For all the right reasons and smiles here I headed off to the usual destination, and it seemed to be closed and shut down. I may have been early, and at the same moment I thought, it might be the only night this year when it is closed. So from Kensington to Chelsea on the bike.

And its been a day on the bike, well getting about on it as it does not aggravate the neuropathy in the feet, thanks XXXX, after having left this one off my agenda for sharing here, it is simply I am managing better by not walking and using the bike. Although the other part of this is eyesight and my eyes are affected by my condition. itís a risk I know, but seems manageable today, and has been. So the "dogs" (feet) are not barking as much (hurting) except when I walk to Sainsburyís for shopping!

A weird day, full of good for me and full of reflections on where I am today. I watched Prime Suspect I had borrowed to watch today and the Chief Super is now an alcoholic, the portrayal so far has been excellent and close to home in the story, all of us in the AA programme will be familiar. It is upsetting but good to see a more accurate understanding of the programme, and what we do. The humour and fun of AA is always missing to the early days of recovery, so it was quite right making the hard truth about how it feels to get with the recovery we need. Good and bad, better its shown even if its in a TV drama play on telly.

So to Chelsea and another venue

Got there early and bumped into a nice bloke newcomer, who had coffee with me. We had a good chat and then to the meeting. A few things felt wrong, I donít know why its so, but sometimes when the share is done, from the speaker, and then other sharing starts, its hard to connect and I found it so tonight.

A friend or two

Yes a friend or two indeed have been bothering me. With their outlook and stuff, and most of all using my experience and expertise to further their living one way or another. And it comes home to roost sometimes that people can be so preoccupied they donít really know what they are doing. Or do they and donít care?

A few careless words, made me feel careless with my sharing I felt false as the words came out of my mouth. They were true but false and I realised I was speaking to a room of people who for one reason or another were not listening. Already some had left and the general atmosphere was unfocussed and unreal to me. I felt off colour and off the message I need.

Sometimes we are Insensitive - I went Home

And tonight maybe I was too sensitive. But sometimes the whole thing can feel pretty crap, and this night was one. So I left. Not because of others, but because there was something in me not connecting and I could not connect.

Let downs

I do feel let down to an extent, I have never asked anything of anyone in AA actually, and have found the programme was quite enough to sustain me. Friendships have come and I feel they are ok, and yet some who would be friends, well I am learning again that some who feel they are friends are surely using my capacities and donít give a flying whatnot for me. And this is life. Mind as I write my temper is calm and my observations what they are.

Cling Ons

We all get them, especially our types, who give so freely and donít ask for anything in return. Odd but true. Pleasing people is no good in the end, and helping to my own detriment needs some attention. Freeloaders will know themselves, friends will know what I mean. So it goes.

One Bad Meeting

Yes one bad meeting I feel the tensions, and now they are gone, still it does make one think how easy it is to turn around and have that moment where the world seems like crap and head for the pub.

Riding home

I went through my gratitude list

I am sober today, I can bike to a meeting when I cannot walk to it. And not get too disturbed by neuropathy. I have type 1 diabetes and manage it, as best I can, and the clinical depression cycle is not so bad at the moment, a level playing field. I write on my website and encourage insights into living, and also to consider what goes on in this world. And I have helped some people into recovery. I do what I do as best I can.

So doing the next right thing tonight

Yes doing the next right thing tonight is to accept a crap outcome on some things, and wisdom to realise what they are. And at the same time recognise I am still alive, when I would have been long gone if I had not found recovery. That there are days where there is joy and happiness, that they do come round, and it makes up for those desolate times when nothing works at all. That I am powerless over people places and things, except maybe doing the next right thing. Which is to know I am not in charge, will not ever persuade some to a point of view and some will just give me a feeling of emptiness. Thatís recovery and life. And some insensitive types will never understand what they do and why. Including me sometimes, and many times in the past.

So Forgiving

Yes forgiving and acceptance are truly keys to living today. I need forgive me and my mood. Forgive how it is right now. And be happy I see the differences, wisdom comes at a price. So when people do make us feel a bit off and undervalued, its ok, and we need not feel its really about us, that is their outlook and stuff. When I look at what I achieve given my circumstances, it is as good as it can be, and I do the next right thing.

Acceptance is, that the world is as it is. That some days will be full of light and some days the dark of others will crap on my parade. And some days we encounter people we might never wish to have met, and that their manipulative and underhand ways are just theirs and not mine. Let them go where they will.

Finally

Smiles with a shrug. And I do accept how things are, some rose beds do have manure and a rather bad smell. I guess I am no rose to some, and that just how it is. The next best thing is for me to leave things as they are and not concern myself further.

My version of a meditation:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in our world by mistake. Until I could accept my humanity, I could not be complete in living; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

This morning

Having had a few hours of sleep overnight, I have come back down to earth. I find I have acceptance this morning and my world feels the better for it.

When life deals us things we donít quite enjoy, or cannot really like, its just a little reminder we donít have the will to will it. That we are all merely players as Shakespeare wrote and we are not the centre of the Universe. So what, I find myself right sized again, if peeved by others, its just the way it was last night and now I learn again to be grateful I am able to keep it real, just a day at a timeÖ

-/-




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Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.






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