Strange word and often can mean so many things in different contexts. If I had been given a profile of me as I am now, and asked twenty years ago a simple question, would I want to know that person? I would find it hard to say yes. Labels hurt us all to easily I realise now.
So having sussed myself out as unacceptable to me if I were judging with the eyes of me back then twenty years back, I realise today may outlook has changed as wisdom comes with experience. Its only now in hindsight that I realise I would not want to be the way I was twenty years ago again! So it’s a two way street for ourselves as much as anything.
Seems a better path for me these days. Indeed have judgments about what is right for me, as to anyone else, really the Zen or Buddist way is to let people find out for themselves what works for them. After all we are diverse and different.
At the same time the similarities in human kind are so similar, if we have the same experiences we often can be categorised as we humans are apt to do.
13th October 2006 [all about last year]
[email to me] Hi Don,
You and AA. From what I read and my understanding, I would say it's something you are passionate about. I don't like the word obsessed. It sounds too selfish, and that’s not something I hear in your posts at all.
Spangled what a brilliant word. Much nicer than some terms I have had quoted at me in the past!
I think getting to know why we drank in the first place is the hardest step. For me it was really staring me in the face since my very early years. It's loneliness for me. That was with me from day 1 I 'm sure.
Even in a home with sisters, mum and dad I was always different and lonely. So now I have been able to identify the 'gap' and work hard to keep safe. It's sad that some people never get to understand whets missing. I'm still a long way off fully understanding, but I have hope everyday.
And a higher power. That's something I never thought about.
But today I know there is something that has helped and watched over me.
I have to fill out some CBT forms today. My counsellor thinks they may help to 'unstick me'.
I'm always open to new ideas that may help. Then tonight I am going to see ,'The Devil Wears Prada' I will be wearing Primark
[from me] Hi there,
I just wrote a long reply but its the Friday 13th gremlins!
I agree with you passion for all things is being restored just a day at a time mind, and obsession is not me these days. At the same time I know my chemistry pretty well and the difference between a good and awful outlook is really chemistry with me.
I have done CBT and been involved from both ends, it works with the right issues and counsellor. I am a fan in the right context. And recently revisited it. It was by agreement that the Doctor/Counsellor and I ended the session as my insides had been thoroughly excised over the years and the action centred work has been ongoing a long time. Which is why my passion for AA is strong. No matter where I go, just for an hour most days to learn about us humans. And as an hour a day is less time devoted to drinking by many, its truly a passion and not an obsession, although for the purpose of this message board it may seem so. My other passions come back as they will, as does the darkness.
There is balance to be found as time allows and mood enables. Accepting reality is quite the new vogue in me...
Spangled is another person's word I picked up along the way, so its not one of my own.
And talking to a friend this morning they felt my honesty and exposure here is more than they might feel comfortable doing. As my intention is honesty and helpfulness, it would seem unhelpful to share half the truth.
And as I am not facing prejudice here it feels ok. Prejudice exists all too near, and from quarters who may know better. Its not my problem.
I feel it was right to be out in this message board, as one person has found it helpful. And so it has been worth it. How we find our way in life...
Better an open book than one never read. And life has extraordinary &magic; as we share truth.
I have been fixing new bits so the bike its festooned with lights in the dark. I am sad though as the cycling may have to stop as the hip is really playing up. Hopefully its a transition and not something more long lasting. The feet and pain from the diabetic neuropathy has been much better now I pace the distance, cycling takes the pressure off a lot which is why I have been keen. Acceptance tho' in all matters, a day at a time leads to understanding of limits I may best observe.
Enjoy ‘The devil wears Pravda.’ I watched part of the film Dunkirk on the box yesterday, its futility and showing inevitable stupidity and loss of life cut deep in me. As does conflict in the world. I cannot escape those desolate moments it evokes, nor would I want to. I need be reminded of the reality of such things we contend with. Its all part of living.
Balance is part of the key when my chemistry allows. And other elements. As to where I am today? I am aware where I am and accept today as is. Now that's progress good or bad as it is, today.
Have fun, it is allowed! And sometimes we forget it is..