Archive September 26 2007 DonInLondon 'Day in the Life'



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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.
























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September 24 - October 3 2007
copyright© don oddy

September 26/27 2007

DonInLondon - ĎDay In the Lifeí Nearly There & More To Do

Nearly!

So when last I wrote it was Monday. I missed my AA meeting and then yesterday had so much to do I had no time. And also a cold developed over the last day or two. I am bunged up.

New Home And return of my Possessions

Indeed I have a new home, the first it feels like in years, even a whole lifetime which I can call home. My Sister and Mother are away, and they last saw my flat near bare and me sleeping on the floor for some weeks. As furniture I had stored, some was lost in transit for various reasons, mainly nothing to do with me, but changes in policy and storage of goods by my local authority [the local council] when I ended up homeless again. I got some more back yesterday so life is much improved. Some losses of sentimental value and some quite expensive too. I am circumspect presently, not angry or sad by things lost. I am alive and I have friends again today.

Times Past

I used to be ok in the financial department and worked hard and had a good career, home friends and girlfriends along the way. Then a lot of life happened which left me isolated and alone, after more than one nervous breakdown, I became indigent and along the way alcoholic on top of clinical depressions, anxiety states and a lost soul. Then as you know in my recovery and in good physical shape, a virus left me type one diabetic and insulin dependent. And in recovery from alcohol.

AA - Alcoholics Anonymous

These last few years AA has kept me on track and sober with friendship and fellowship. I know myself better than I ever did. And these days I can make sense of life and living. My ailments are for life, clinical depression and a chemistry imbalance, diabetic and I do have a number of peripheral issues. If you had asked me would life be worth living with what I need do today several years ago, I would have made certain and made sure I would have expired. Today I feel differently.

Purpose

Maybe it has been my purpose to share my thoughts and feelings as life goes along. Finding the truth in the day. Looking to be honest and transparent in my relationship with everyone and the world, itís a tall order with so much time taken keeping well emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Evasive and Uncertainty

I know what it is like to be faced with hard truth, about how I ended up. It is not glamorous and not always easy to keep to truth. And I have found the same in others. We all learn the truth as we go. What we feel and understand.

Caution makes us careful and economic with truth. And I have found truth a very hard task master for me too. I have not always found my truth even acceptable to me. And the truth shared as others learn wisdom is as hard.

So forgiving is a special key for me. I need forgive and forgive. And this applies to me too. As with any life we have things we find hard to share. And vulnerability and just trying to live from day break to sunset give us plenty of opportunity to bend the world to our point of view.

Forgive and move On

Indeed as we find our fellowships and friendships, we get wisdom and confidence. We share more truth until lies just hurt us continually if we utilise the selective truth too much and too often.

We are Not Politicians

Indeed we have such bad role models and deceptions in life its like a nightmare trying to make good truth at all.

But simply today?

I have a roof over my head. I have fellowship and life is nothing like I ever imagined.

The return of some of my old possessions, well there is great sentimental value in some. I have had memories of old times and there is much to look back and cherish. And the cherishing these days wins hands down over the lasting sadness of times where all turned to the dark of living.

I need be careful of love, always look to nurture and not hurt. And know when its time to move along or we find ourselves trapped imagining we have power over anything. In my experience we need keep truth and love and spiritual close. And we need find our path as life enables.

I feel ok today, even though I know there is some hard news ahead. I am can face life, talk out my issues and find friendship as friendship is given. Not always quite as we might wish, but certainly delivered in compatible sentiments and as sincerely as anotherís truth affords. I am no different and hope for better experience, strength and hope as time shows me the way.




September 26th 2006

I will Survive

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along..

The words are sort of about me and my relationship with what was my best friend, you know the one in the bottle. And I recognise always where it would lead. And the ghost I became is the one never coming back in my life, as long as I keep to my fellowship, and the day at a time way of living.

Recovery can feel like a lonely business. As can life for anyone, after all we come into the world without much say, and leave it just the same. In between we have all the chances for good and bad in between. And sometimes we feel alone even when we have every advantage of family and friends around us. No matter how much we are loved, unless we find that self esteem inside which makes us feel worthy of being loved back, it is the loneliest place to be.

And being in recovery from anything, from a cold to recovering from a major ailment, our confidence is knocked, and we get the empty feeling inside where the world is spinning and we are out of whack with whatís going on.

Leaving number one son to the perils of University, I understand this in some ways, although I have no kids of my own. Its like another life is taking off and the role of Mum is superseded by altogether foreign influences, and time shared is gone to a large extent.

A female friend of mine has just gone to University as a mature student. With every encouragement I could make, and a reference from me as well, and with the sure knowledge that as her life changes, our connection grows smaller. I shall miss her terribly. And worse here for me, I did rather fancy her too, and know it would not become reciprocal. So a double blow to my esteem. At the same time I recognise her path is away and full of every experience I would wish for anyone in my life. And as a result our relationship diminishes and ends, for indeed she will fall in love and move on and this best friend is gone and rightly so. Thatís life and I accept it, and the hole left inside me. There is right in all this, and although that gap inside is heartfelt, it is just the way it must be. And I will survive as the song goes. There are no bitter thoughts, just rueful reflections as in all things, the gaps fill in other directions.

I realise there are things about my situation which make me less than an attractive proposition as an intimate friend. At the same time the less than attractive, the disabilities are no hindrance to my living. And we never know what is around the corner for us. I am told I still look pretty good, so and with a cautious smile I reckon I will never be alone again, especially with the fellowship. I have my basic qualification and will always fit in there. And this is really as much as it needs to be for now.

Odd though, we can abandon ourselves so easily, and never see the role we play in so many lives. Unless we look outwards and not inwards. And we actually touch so many as long as we keep going out and being part of our community and connected. Isolation is our perilous friend, and isolation makes us lonely and other people forgetful we exist. So I recognise its better to busy and out and helping others and joining in in life as much as I can.

Not easy for a clinically depressed individual, as being out at all is torture indeed. Only relieved as we get the right regime to help us, from professional, clinical and community support. And we need to do our bit too. And try turn up for life as much as we can stand until we can just darn well join in and find some happiness!

Yesterday, Monday was ok for me, and full of drama around me. My cold is making my head feel a bit funny as well as the meds. In all though, the world seemed out of sorts. Some of my friends were clearly suffering as the Autumn turn has brought them SAD syndrome.

And in particular, someone who I care for deeply had a really difficult episode. And its going to take time for them to get their bearings again. Thank goodness for our friends and their family. And you know itís a relief to see our "friends" who have much wisdom kick into care and support and rally round and get help where it needs to come from to make sure another soul is in safe hands.

Feel free and this applies to anyone, to hijack or just reply to anything I write. The more the merrier. I may not be able to reply in the particular as there is much I don't know about I realise, but hey, this is an open debate on living, and not really about me, just life around and about. You might enjoy other stuff I send into the BBC, smiles I have got a taste for sharing my views on anything, where blogs and comments are made open. But thatís just me.

My Mum, Sister and her partner, they are away soon for a holiday, so yours truly gets to do some cat sitting as well. Its good to help out. And be a part of life, even if its just keeping the cat safe and well fed! Smiles and what a Monday, made me feel knick knacked.

As there is nothing we can do to take the edge off KT, it seems we feel things as they are meant in the moment. Strong and poignant, and then the emotions, getting their right size as we process things in real time.

Having our feelings back in total was a promise I never expected to be two edged. For now I feel love again, smiles and darn it, I also have all the other feelings back too, and my word, they are as painful and profound as ever they were. At least I deal with them now instead of living in oblivion, that was a hell on earth. As to heaven, well what is one without the other. And there are heavenly moments just being alive and present in this ever present moment of nowÖ

Copyright © Don Oddy

September 25th 2006

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Well as per usual I feel a bit flat and deflated this morning. I had to speak last night about me for about half an hour, experience strength and hope. The experience of becoming a sober human being, the strength I get from my fellowship and the hope I have for now and the future, a day at a time. Its called doing a chair.

And this is something my fellows tell me will have a good impact on me. I am uncertain whether I am just being negative or there is something dishonest in me. I try to tell the truth about my life and where it is now. And one thing I do know, I am better off today than I have ever been in my outlook. Have next to nothing in the material sense, I have poor health presently, yet my head is better than at any time in ten years. Now, one out of three ainít bad.

Without doubt I am fortunate to be alive at all, and for this I am grateful. I wonder how honest I am because my life is far from where it used to be. And a lot of this is due to experiences and impacts from short periods in my life which have impacted on all of it. Knowing the causes and the effects help me make good each day I have now. Knowing the impacts and why, well thatís old news and sharing my life story does not necessarily have the cathartic effect others seem to have.

I am sure its good to share, and maybe I need change the highlights of my life to reflect a better way forward. Some positive cognitive behavioural therapy I can do for me. And I still know it will not impact, simply because my condition of depression is not emotional in cause these days, itís a clinical condition and chemical condition.

Oddly the medication for the diabetic neuropathy pain is also having an emotional impact and physical impact. Less pain overall, and some more mobility, in the amount of time I can be mobile longer, but not overall or a restoration of the old me. It means the pain is delayed. But the other therapeutic effect is on my mental faculties, I am sleeping three or four hours at night. I feel less depressed in some ways and so the anti depressant effect is there as well as the pain relief.

I am slower though and my mental processes feel sluggish. This is tolerable for now, but I know there is a frustration as that sharp edge is not there as before. And maybe thatís an ok thing, I donít know yet. It feels like a part of me is missing. Another part of me is restored at the same time, better able to walk, better able to get some sleep. Swings and roundabouts.

So the flat feeling is in me, that middle of the road feeling. And I am missing the edginess of depression which makes me push and stretch my perceptions beyond where they are now. I donít know, but the pain is less and thatís significant.

Time will tell me over the next few weeks where the payoffs are and where the deficits are. The choices are to be made as and when, pain might be preferable to the lowered sensory state. Not knowing is ok, not really certain what this means for the future. I need only be concerned with today.
And an autumn seasonal cold is not helping.
Coughs and splutters, onwards!

Copyright © Don Oddy

-/-




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You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.






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Archive September 26 2007 DonInLondon 'Day in the Life'





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The Big Issue Foundation's core ethos is self help. We offer support to homeless and socially excluded people who seek to gain control of their lives and help them move off the streets and into a home and a job.We work with over 2000 vendors across the UK, supporting them with a diverse program of opportunities either delivered through our own services or in partnership with specialist agencies. Each new vendor has a Needs Assessment, and from this an individual action plan is set, which is monitored in supervision sessions with support staff.





Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.






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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.



Don In London
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