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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.









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DonInLondon London Times August 20
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August 2007
copyright© don oddy

Publish August 20 2007

Anxiety State - DonInLondon ĎDay In the Lifeí August 20 2007

Not Today Thank You: 1996 - 1998

I had a problem about ten years back it went on for a couple of years and then got worse.

I was in an Anxiety State

Unbelievable pain. I recollect those harsh times without much relish these days. However did I get like this:

Mental anxiety: this includes, excessive worry or excessive preoccupation that 'something might go wrong', disturbing thoughts, ideas and impulses, (as a consequence, you may feel excessively irritable and oversensitive). Mental anxiety can occur with little or no associated physical symptoms.

Physical anxiety: sometimes there are also physical symptoms. These include - palpitations, dry mouth, breathing difficulties, giddiness, sweating, nausea, diarrhoea, frequent urination, headache, fatigue, loss of appetite, restlessness, sexual disturbances, sleep problems, nervous tension, (resulting in headaches, tightness of the throat, stomach or chest etc), hyperventilation (resulting in tingling in the hands and legs, pins and needles, giddiness etc). Experiencing these sensations has the effect of making you even more anxious, thus a vicious circle can be set up.

Dissociative anxiety: i.e. where certain feelings or thoughts appear separated from you or your personality. Symptoms include - depersonalisation, (the feeling that your body is strange or you are somehow removed from it), derealisation, (the feeling that the world is weird or unreal), narrowing of the time-frame, (so that only now matters), mental confusion, (adding to disorganised and ineffective behaviour), your mind 'playing tricks on you', repeated waves of emotion, occasional sense of dread, emotional numbing, episodes of amnesia. 'Mini-mood swings' are common, i.e. where normal day-to-day changes in mood are exaggerated by your anxious state. Understandably, such symptoms are disconcerting and can make you feel that you are losing grip with reality.

Years Later 2007 Here and Now

And in recovery from a lot of pernicious conditions, it feels a lot calmer nowadays. Even in the big picture those years of anxiety can throw me back to panic mode when I forget to utilise every tool in my toolkit to make life work.

These days you wonít find me so affected by living. And whilst my physical and mental awareness is heightened these days with more incapacities I care to mention, they are nowhere near as bad as those days gone by. These days I am able to make sense of this day to day living. And for years it seemed my turn in living had been done, the best over before I got where I wanted, wherever that may have been. And this is true, with more to go wrong as time has gone by, I have learned to live with me and my lot..

Today and Tonight

I spent a while on the phone with a friend who is still out there in the wilderness of compulsive drinking. And their stuff gets more and more as any alcoholic knows, unmanageable and full of sorties into turgid goings on. We are proof of unimaginable doings and near misses and nearly doing this and then doing more outrageous activities. I had to smile as we discussed recent events for them, it took me back to my wilder and more out of control days. It was as if hearing my story from darker times for me. Much fun there can be on some levels as we plough and make life exciting to the casual eye, whilst underneath we feel utter desolation. I donít blame or judge my friend out there, it would be unwise.

I also realised this last few weeks I had been so hard on myself I could not see the good of life in the end. I nearly perished more than once as life was truly out of control. I donít share much about hospital, near misses with dangerous types, other matters which reflect what alcohol can do and merely survive the consequences a while.

In truth I see exactly where my friend is. It is all the above, and worse with drink. Both of us are lucky we donít add much else to this mixture. At least not me, and I am glad I never made it more than alcohol. Apart from decades back trying some cannabis. It was short lived and interfered with the effects of booze, which I utilised to "obliviate" life.

Lunch

After such a call you might wonder why I could forget it till now? It would disturb most people to hear a friend so out of control we might worry. I donít worry because I am powerless as the world was when I was like that. Its sad but we cannot do a thing till a person is ready to change and give up. I realise their reasons were as mine years back so let go and let them share as I share how I got a life back in the end.

Lunch with Family

With my sister and mother, a good lunch and perfect company. We had a good time and shared and swapped news and stories. We live with and experience grief these days. We live with consequences of loss and make good use of memories and photoís and share good thoughts and feelings. There is emptiness and loss, as sadness rolls in to hark our recollections to more happy exchanges with one who has departed. And we share our sad moments and laugh at their humour and wit. We will not forget for sure. And there is joy and sadness in recollections. Glad we can share and not hide our feelings. We make progress each day.

Tonight

I was truly weighed down with a great Sunday Lunch and had to sit quietly a while. Then off again to a meeting this evening.

The knowledge of what I have endured and lived through, the anxiety state described above, it makes me realise that although life is certainly harder today, at least I can differentiate what is really happening and how to live again.

Joy

There is joy todayÖ

Sadness

There is sadness todayÖ

And for today I know the difference.

Thanks to family and fellowship, careful connections and careful doings. Just for today.




August 20 2006 [ about last year]

Keep it Real

My Raison DíÍtre

Keep it real, it being life I guess. Real life is sometimes up and sometimes down, most of the time its somewhere in between. How we view life and how real it is, well that depends on our outlook and sometimes our outlook determines how we feel about reality.

How we feel, we donít ask ourselves this question often enough maybe, and of course its easy to go too far the other way and end up trying to analyse everything too much. Its got to be about finding a balance, some middle road most of the time where we can get on and be reasonably happy with living.

Asked a couple of days ago, the idea of being normal and living an ordinary life. You know it is a deep question, what is ordinary life these days. Like the person who asked, is it normal to spend ten hours a day in front of a computer screen and then go home and spend more time in front of another screen? It could be and it could be ordinary and could be happy. Again I reckon it depends on our outlook and our own version of ordinary.

Yesterday morning, I was back at the hospital, not for anything in particular to do with the last week, but for a meeting of my fellowship. We have fellowship meetings all over London and this one just happens to be where I go for specialist care for my Diabetes. And itís a place where people with every disease go to find help and care. The coincidence that a fellowship meeting is held there is fortuitous for me.

Our chairperson, speaker was someone who is or has become an occasional visitor to meetings. They have been leading a normal and ordinary life for years. They got married and started a family and have been very happy and living just the ordinary life any ordinary person looks to have. Usual things, with wife and kids, mortgage and bills and schools and stuff. And just having a perfectly ordinary living with everything associated with family and so on.
Especially love and being loved figures as the number one in their family.
The speaker had bumped into the secretary for the meeting and they had not seen each other for years, but the secretary asked them to come along and speak about their experience strength and hope.

Experience, strength and hope are our keys for discussion and find this bridge we talk about, the one back to modern living. The bridge back from the madness of excess, to living this ordinary thing called life. And we like to hear about ordinary, and what its like. Because the more we hear individual tales of real stories back into recovery, and staying "recovered", the more hope we have we can be able to find our bridge back to our ordinary living.

Ordinary living is really being ourselves without a drink or drug altering our ability to just get on with life. Or using drink or drugs to enhance or make our experience tolerable or more enhanced in some way. Anyone who has had some sort of experience with drink and drugs knows its effect, and long term the effect is so damaging, it cannot be reversed completely. And that is addiction, where one fix wonít do it and fixing will lead back to addiction. Once the line is crossed there is no safe place except total abstinence. And life will always have its highs and lows, and an addict will go back to their addiction if pressure is there either too high or too low and try fix, if they donít keep their head on straight and have a programme of recovery. And thatís the role of the fellowships.
Anyway our chair spoke about their life. It was good and balanced and all is hunky dory. Except for a couple of occasions recently where they had been affected so badly by incidents out of their control. Road rage was one and I forget the other. But what our occasional fellow shared helped me enormously, and made me realise my regular attendance at meetings is absolutely vital. He related the rage he had felt when others had got in his way and made his life feel like hell all over again. His wife witnessed how her husband went from calm and loving to enraged and out of character in no time flat. Something she never saw in their ordinary living.

Our occasional fellow said he was taken aback and shocked that he had touched again, those inner depths where we all can be pushed too far, and he did not feel the need to go drink or drug, but he needed somewhere to let out his feelings and do it without harm or hurt to anyone. He needed a safe place where he could express his anger and astonishment at the deep rage he felt for being endangered and made to feel so bad. He came back to meetings to express his dark depths and in doing so get it out of his system. It was a perfect example of what I have been doing this past few days in fellowship meetings.

I shared back to him what had happened to me, the outcomes and the feelings and the helpless powerless upset of being made less than human by things that happen. And after the meeting he came and talked to me, and thanked me, because it helped him see the true need to keep close to the fellowship, so feelings donít get out of control and then acted upon in the heat of the moment.

Cathartic? Well when I realise that the upset I have is as genuine and important as this speaker, where his family and he were endangered, and that we need a safe place to express torment and deep feelings, I knew I was in the right place to keep working on my reality and so did he.
We both agreed the initial feelings and actions that could have happened would have been catastrophe, and that it would have done long term harm to act on those horrid feelings. So we found a place to keep on saying how we felt till the feelings get back to right size and about living normal again. He was pleased I shared my experiences, and I was pleased he had helped me as a way to see my own problems.

He then asked me how I felt about the diabetic neuropathy in my feet. And do you know, I donít know how I feel in my head about this. Because I am so out of balance still about all the other crap surrounding last week, I have not had a chance really.

So asking myself this question now, how am I feeling about diabetic neuropathy and my feet and the pains which stop me walking some days, and walking in pain every day? Thank God I now know exactly what it is, because my GP has told me it cannot be this when last I raised the issue with her some months back. She had looked at me as if I were an idiot. And I felt as insignificant and stupid about the whole thing, as if I were making it up. And finding she had suggested it was psoriasis to the DWP (department of work and pensions) makes it all the more difficult to trust her and her judgments about me.

How do feel about this this early hour on a Sunday morning? Crap and angry about being misdiagnosed and misjudged by the GP. She has always acted superior and not really listened. When I saw her a couple of times last year, it took more than one visit to see her before she sent me for blood tests and was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, and by that stage I had lost nearly three stones and was really very ill. But she knew best I had thought at the time and relied on her judgement. I really donít have any trust in her any more, she has left me weakened over and over in the last couple of years and made me feel like I am less than an ordinary person. And I trusted her judgment when all the signs were there was something so wrong inside, and still I put my trust in her. I feel stupid now for not keeping on and asking for more help, but felt with my history of depression, it must be my imagination and I should not bother or question what so called experts say.

That is my story of events and I feel, well I donít know. I feel undermined, and lost because I should be able to trust my GP, and its gone wrong. And I donít feel right saying this at all, its not my way to undermine others, but these are life threatening errors of judgment and real life, my life. My error for being so ashamed to be ill, and her error of not paying attention to what I have been saying.
How am I feeling? I donít know how to feel about these things. I donít feel right, and I donít feel confident about what has happened, because I have doubted my judgment for so long, its hard to know what is true and what is perception.

I feel I will be better served going to a meeting soon, there is one at 9:00 am locally. And just sitting and listening and seeing how my fellows are this morning. I am too tired after little or no sleep to say much or speak out. Its usually a big meeting on a Sunday morning and lots of fellows come out to sort out their crap before going home to make Sunday Lunch and have ordinary Sundays with their families.

Sunday mornings for me used to be going to the gym and work out, then out to lunch with friends and keeping a happy day happy all day. My Sundays typically are a meeting in the morning and one in the evening, and the rest of the middle doing something useful. And learning something new, and maybe a film. But it does not work like that with depression as time slips and memory is not good. I feel unable to concentrate well and things get lost in time. I donít function at all well at this present time.
But as to friends from the past? Where are they now? I have no idea, as they do not have my need to keep safe and away from old times where ordinary indulgence would now lead to catastrophic consequences.

Especially with my additional conditions. So a safe and quiet day. Maybe speak on the phone to my Mum, and Sister, and Brother. Maybe, or see some people from the fellowship who gather safely to do ordinary life, like have a cup of tea and a bun.

Other ordinary fellows though. I smile at this will be deep into family, deep into their relationships, deep into studies, deep into telly and deeply immersed in ordinary stuff. As light as a feather or as heavy as a ton weight, just as real life can be, a day at a time.

Its just five in the morning, the baby next door is crying, just newly born. And the baby, her Mum on her own, a refugee and in emergency homeless accommodation, just like me. I feel its tough for me sometimes, still registered homeless and at fifty years old, not much to show for my life in some ways. I reflect though how it must feel to be a refugee from another country and running from violence with a new born baby to care for as well. And all I wonder is how I might help..

Now that is real and right in my reality. Helping others is and has always been my raison díÍtre. And at the moment I better tend to me as well, or there will be no helping anyone, just a day at a time.

Copyright © Don Oddy

-/-





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Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

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Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.






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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.




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