A change in direction with the web. My initial photo additions are tentative and for pleasure, no hidden messages unless you see them of course. Photoís for me are just the revealing of people we see and experience them everyday and fail to see consciously what the subconscious picks up in the blink of an eye.
We make most of our decisions about people in that instant and it fascinates me how we understand and make life out as we go, in moments usually and not years.
I saw the movie, the Bourne Ultimatum today and it was a great thriller and well portrayed as we would expect? I donít know, I cannot share much without giving away the plot, except for this thing of identity. Its an issue with me as I am still trying to put elements of living into place. Careful reconstruction?
Actually the truth of living is we are forever changing if we are able to take time out and view how we evolve.
Evolution is happening whether we are aware or not. As each generation gets a little more along the genetic path, we change or adapt to environment and our mental outlook is fashioned by experience. We forget that evolution s ongoing, that we provide the genetic code for future generations as our ancestors have since time made humans.
It struck me that time indeed continues as the fabric of the universe shifts this way and that. As we seem fairly speedy this last few centuries, utilising technology, and so on, our understanding of the universe has meant many old ideas and faiths have been challenged.
Some recent ancestors claims to a flat world, to the sun going round the earth, and some notions of God or Gods..
Well what can we do with the science and the theological debates in this lifetime? I donít ignore the problems of theology, or the science which makes us challenge of everything.
I know from recent experience yet again, that when we depart this world and our body has expired, whatever spark we saw, that blink of an eye that makes us able to discern humans we want to know and humans we prefer to leave alone, is gone.
It is this zeitgeist moment in many ways how we turn from one way of living to another or we fear the change and lose our potential. All these matters feel important just now.
I have no answers tonight, relish maybe a view here and there, and will come back with more another day. A significant shift in outlook and not so in capacity in other areas of living, but we never know with modern science.
August 19 2006 [ last year DonInLondon]
Railroads and Chain Gangs
Compliance Yes - With Support
Is it any surprise some of the songs which stick in our minds have simple lyrics? They have some meaning for us in a way we donít always pick up straight away.
And why are we so absorbed by music and tunes and lyrics at all? On a deep level itís a way of helping us touch our feelings and expression. What we hear from the time we are born is the music and rhythm of life. And we feel the emotions and feel the expression of others. We learn simply and easily the most complex parts of our inner workings.
Often a simple lyric can touch our inside deep so profoundly, and we feel the passion and the heart of another as we wish we could express ourselves. That is why we listen to music and lyrics. We get in touch with our inner being, the one we donít share as openly all the time, or feel able to express as openly.
We somehow donít learn to express our feelings as they are inside for many reasons, yet our feelings are there and hearing others express them helps us explain our insides to others. We have favourite songs and lyrics, we share common themes and share common feelings with those we love.
And songs of strength and fortitude are used to motivate us. We have anthems, for sports, for our country, for special occasions in life. And we have songs which get us in touch with everyday feelings we have about everyday life.
I was mulling things over during the early hours. Sam Cookeís Chain Gang was rolling around in my head. Hence the title for this piece of writing. Railroad. Railroading and the sort, it had been running along inside me after the recent events where I have been compliant with life and things we must do when needed. Railroads and railroading. We have our ideas about how he we live. Being derailed is a train crash in living terms.
My life is very much about compliance and middle of the road living, without extremes which push me into the heights or depths of feeling. And being a clever son of a gun some of the time, it does not make me detached from my feelings or able to deflect the feelings I have from time to time when I must comply with ordinary things we all must do.
Being railroaded, that is when we are made to do something we donít really think is right or helpful. Being railroaded and going with the flow of others and their views and their ways, itís a real hard place to find ourselves and that is the truth. Yet sometimes we need comply and get on with it, because itís the right thing to do or we donít feel able to get out of the arrangements. We feel we must go along, and being railroaded is bound to set us off balance and bound to push our feelings from the middle of the road and maybe to extremes.
I am surprised in the last week, unable to detach my feelings from the ordinary business of life. I am compliant and know its just the way things are. And still I am blown away at how a simple act of compliance has led to extreme feelings I wish I never experience. Yet these feelings are there. And I feel them.
I know where my extreme feeling has been made, and its to do with my notion of fair play, fairness, integrity, openness and honesty. And willing to do things we all need to do get by which led to my values being compromised led to my extreme reactions this week.
As I mentioned I cannot change the rules of living to suit me, and the rules are there as they are, immutable. And its when we realise the rules donít work, is where we get upset. And we get really upset when rules are then applied to us in person. That is when we find it hard to detach and keep our middle of the road perspective.
Breaking down and unable to express myself yesterday in front of specialists. Now it came as a surprise to me. I am able to keep control of most my feelings in front of anyone most of the time. But I now realise my reserves are gone and there is no mask to wear to disguise my rawness.
I was helped with the utmost kindness as I went through some examination of my current conditions with the Clinic at the hospital. And I gave them a copy of my notes on recent days, just in case I could not find words. And it was the kindness which completely overwhelmed me, and I broke down. If only they had been indifferent and not kind, if only they had been hostile, I could have kept my mask in place and gathered sufficient strength to keep myself together in hiding.
So it does not matter who we are, some people will find a way through and let us reveal our truth. Even when we would rather run away and hide our feelings, and steel ourselves and just bloody well suffer in silence!
It is the hardest thing to do, reveal our hurt and our true deep feelings. And of course as I realise my feelings are running deep, and very angry feelings are there, I didnít want anyone to know how deep my anger and reaction might be. And truly I felt capable of reacting as badly as any human wronged for events this week. That is my horror and my acceptance. That I too can be pushed over the edge.
And I know I need time and distance to recover composure, which I explained to my Specialist, and later to my Psychiatrist over the phone, who was concerned enough to track me down later and arrange an earlier meeting. And its often those moments when we donít know how to be ourselves, that the true self can be revealed through extremes. And our learning is not to react or consequences can be so severe and our behaviour so severe, we might not pull back from the edge. That edge of reason we wish we all have and try keep us in place when others reason and behaviour fails.
For indeed we look to be reasonable when pressured or challenged, but there is and will be a push too far. Or we would not be human.
A cautionary tale for me. And a realisation as I donít use anything but my feelings these days to work through my issues. I donít drink (or as others do, drug) and find oblivion anymore, I use expression and safe places where I can trust and be able to find myself again.
What I realise in this process is we are all able to reach the end of our tether, and its how we are able to find expression enough times to work through issues which helps. And in this case, be offered support from people who are professional and the epitome of integrity. And that is as hard to deal with if not harder than what happened before. When we are used to abuse we have our defence in place, be it denial and shut down, to anger and violence, we all have our ways, and mine is silence and isolation. Silence and
isolation will keep me stuck, and the lesson learned is continued sharing and expression of feelings, until the feelings get right sized once again.
Getting right sized again means I will get perspective. Getting perspective I will realise the things that happened to me this week are common and ordinary. That my reaction need be what it is, because it hurt me to the core of my principles and ways of living and treating others. And I need not be wrongly sized or out of balance in my whole outlook because of this week.
At the same time, I will be wiser and more careful when told I must comply with others. I can make sure next time, there will be a witness and there will be independent observation of the behaviour of others who assess me and my condition.
And as to my state of mind. It is out of balance, it will take time to sort itself out, and I will need and get help from my fellowship and whoever else need be involved. And somehow for a change I am not going it alone, as before and isolated it near killed me off.
When I went to my meeting last night, a friend said to me "I canít believe what happened to you this week". They had read my words on the website and were shocked. In surprise I asked how they knew I was writing on a web log and they had merely been looking for some information on other matters and found my posts.
Itís a small world. And thankfully we do get help in the most surprising and careful ways when people know what is happening. I am humbled by concern shown to me, and am starting to learn how to really express what is going on all over again.
I felt years ago, I knew everything, and as time goes on, I realise there is so much more to learn, as long as I just keep on going one day at a time, just solving a part of life and not trying to do the whole job at once.
Sam Cooke and Charles Cooke:
All day long they work so hard
Till the sun is goin' down
Working on the highways and byways
And wearing, wearing a frown
You hear them moanin' their lives away
Then you hear somebody sa-ay
That's the sound of the men working on the chain gang
Copyright © Don Oddy