June 2 2007

Feelings And Anniversaries DonInLondon ‘Day In the Life’

Well indeed an anniversary. I am three years sober today and in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. We celebrate birthdays of sobriety and I felt a little nervous and anxious about today. I have always said it took me a week to have some determination, so plumped for June 6, it being D Day and an important universal date. But that felt somewhat grandiose of me and so decided it best to stick with truth, and the truth is its today. Three years and not a drop of alcohol for me.

When it comes to me and sharing you might think or feel that I am quite strong and robust in sharing my life. After all its all here on the web pretty much. There are still some elements I don’t share because to so would harm others or make them feel used, utilised and put on show maybe. And the truth is its quite easy for me to share my stuff. I do it in meetings and here. I don’t feel the need for anonymity in the sense of stigma or being ashamed for an illness which was not planned and keeping in recovery a day at a time.

When I was diagnosed later in sobriety with other ailments. It seemed to me there was little point in feeling less than others by keeping things like my illnesses under wraps. Because I need people to know what is going on so they may help me or avoid me too, as some people are not good with others maladies. Its not a problem, they can walk on by if needed. And as I wear a chain saying what is going on, at least there are clues if I appear unconscious somewhere and what to do.

Two Meetings of AA today

Yes I went off to Hinde Street this lunchtime to go and be at a meeting which hand out "chips" for anniversaries. And I got my three year chip. It made me nervous, I went to Hinde Street expecting no one would know me there. I was wrong and so the cat was out of the bag. A bit sly of me I guess, I did not want fuss really. I still feel awkward about celebrating and maybe its this feeling of "less than worthy" that creeps in from time to time. A hangover from times of fear and being different I guess. At least these days I have great company and understanding fellows. As well as family of course who are integral to my well being a day at a time.

So Tonight

I went to the Bolton’s and did not share, but as we were winding up the meeting the new Secretary asked if anyone was celebrating birthdays, so I was able to put my hand and got clapped for another year in sobriety.

Achievement

It is without doubt good news and an achievement in this one day living. We don’t get bigger or more bold in sobriety, we sort of stay the same size, right sized!

Feelings Tonight

I felt for others actually and what they are dealing with. And a friend of mine he struggles like me with other health issues and still remains cheerful and there for others. And so am I. It is fellowship after all.

And tonight I realise I care deeply for people who just want a chance to find some path out of abject misery alcohol causes some of us.

I am truly happy for those who can enjoy a drink and keep it sensible in living and remain in good spirits always.

I know with a certain degree of acceptance I would rather not drink today. And as things are it feels right and long may I keep faith, courage and confidence that sobriety is my path.

Life Works

Life needs to work and we work hard at all elements in the fellowship. What I have learned about feelings and how to live a fruitful and careful life is beyond measure. And the measure is one day for me.

So although I feel happy and content today, I know life has its challenges for me. I have family and fellowship, and unconditional support which is beyond anything I ever thought possible.

Old Fears

They don’t just disappear, and in some way we learn to deal with what causes the fear, the shame or being guilty for even being alive. All these feelings can pounce without too much trouble if I am not taking care or away from fellowship too long.

New Horizons

I have some, I have no idea where they may go. And it does not matter what the end will be, that’s a given. As to the journey by the day, well its with me and in good company these days.

Tonight I can say with absolute truth, the gratitude felt for everyone who has helped this sometimes ungrateful individual is beyond words. Family and fellowship have made possible a new life one day at a time, and with hope for a future simply living as one may.

Feelings

I have my feelings back, that’s the good news. The bad news as we say is, I have my feelings back, all of them and I hope I may for a while yet. Whether is good or bad, easy or painful we learn as we go, and may it be so from hereon in. So much learned and more wisdom to come as life unfolds.

Balance, that elusive mixture still an unknown for me develops as time allows, no short cuts, no fixing, just living and being..

Till tomorrow

Oxford Street - Walk On By

June 1 2007

A question of Secrets and Resentments

I guess the connection of secrets inside us about us, and I do accept some others secrets we know are for no one else (and this makes things quite complicated if we are a counsellor or someone who has confidential access. the boundaries we are able to make if we provide context for others confidences) and resentments.

For me its where I might have felt shame for things I have done and not been able to put right and the resentment is in me about me. which is why step 5 and sharing the "insides out" is a humanising process. As is said if there is a name for it, its happened millions of times to others through history, so what we feel is unusual and cruel or shaming experience, we need realise is a well trodden journey for so many.

Resentments against self are the very hardest to express, and might be better shared and easier as we get confident being the right sized normal human, capable as the next of good or bad depending on situation and time. And of course we all have values and principles which vary. And principles and values go out the window in the heat of crises.

Tortured people in their sensibilities, their outlook under extreme conditions do the most awful things sometimes. Under orders, under pressure, fearful and driven by survival and sadly just afraid of being found out.

The truth out, will set us free and help us understand resentment against self are in the moment of now with hindsight and not with the eyes of "back then - in the day."

What upsets me most sometimes is not the madness of my misdeeds whilst drinking, which are about morality and relationships and love lost often, I can understand those things and make amends as I have often, it's the deceit as a child, where innocence is lost in a moment. I pinched a lump hammer off a wall when I was about seven years old and later saw the owner, who lived across the street looking for it. I never confessed at the time and it worried me for an age in my head and in my shame. We get shameful early about things and memories get so distorted, it keeps us in secretive mode for an age until it burns and the truth will out, somehow somewhere.

Where fear grows and fear is compounded by imagination our self image distorted and our shame guaranteed, well we can be forgiven in the end, but I do feel guilt like anyone long after maybe others have forgiven. And in truth I know some will never forgive me for showing them their insides and calamities and denials about life. The denials roll on for some. Denial is a seductive and simple process of self cleansing often and changing our fantasy to the reality we can live with. People do this all the time from little white lies to darn big whoppers. I catch myself in this tempting enterprise quite often when asked my opinion, and plump for honesty as reactions are given a moment and a responses aids my expression towards a more honest answer, or none at all..

Even now I feel awkward when relationships and friendships hit an impasse, well its old behaviour to see my part in it and take responsibility for others parts too. I am learning tho' it takes two, or more for things to go off and spoil. And then letting go and doing no harm help me be silent when resentments need only forgiveness, and I need not tread the same path again. Let go my part and their part, it's a hard ask sometimes as esteem flounders and ego pricks up to fill the dark shames and rejections we all have in life.

So forgiveness is a very necessary part of living, or we end up very alone and very fearful. We need our mistakes as much as success and to own them completely and to the right extent. And that does need more than one pair of eyes. And sharing and undoing the Gordian knots of life. Well we can do so much in a day and do some more as we may and time enables.

A short answer to a life long quest.. there is so much more to do

thanks again for reading and asking,



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