Sometimes I find the need to return to places where I experienced both happiness and disturbance. I don’t know if I am strange but sometimes I need to put distance between me and the places where some experience has happened. It sounds cowardly and yet wise, for place which have disturbed peace may need to be avoided long enough to make sense of what made me feel out of balance inside and with them. And the same applies to people as well, sometimes I withdraw long enough to see its me and my attitude which is at odds with peace and not those I encounter.

I guess and don’t know for sure if its just me who does this or others do this and don’t even think or worry about it. I wonder if maybe I am just sensitive to changes in me and those around me, I don’t think so, I think others just do it and don’t even want to contemplate the why of it. For indeed we might feel a failing in ourselves, which in fact is most likely a strength. The strength to understand and accept our needs and wants. To accept the desire for safe passage and avoid hard knocks which are inevitable when we keep doing things which are harmful.

Last night I was feeling the need to go to a meeting, I had been on the internet and connected with someone who added me to their list of contacts, and it was a sad encounter full of falsehoods. When others are false with me or fishing for information I tend to find my own falsehood and I felt the need of sanctuary and truth.

When truth is missing I go to my fellowship and hear some truth about living. Being close, a meeting I used to attend regularly was my best option. I stopped going nearly a year back, simply because I was disturbed by events there. And disturbed by my involvement and belief in being right about admission of nearly anyone, when there was a feeling to ban another who was disruptive. Whatever the outcome, I felt my absence was better and my absence left a gap in my routine, filled with other meetings, but still it felt wrong. And it also had knock on effects to my connection to friends in the fellowship.

Going back to this venue and this meeting did not feel hard. And was surprised a little at some reaction to my presence. I did not feel too welcome and was not sure whether to stay. For in my absentia, I made a statement of disapproval maybe stronger than I wished. I did not want to influence them and their decisions back then, but in doing so did alienate me from them. And maybe I was more open to return than they to my coming back. I did feel the coldness of some and the understanding of others.

A reminder to me, and to be careful with the feelings of others. It did coincide with bad for news for me when I decided to move on, with onset of diabetes and all that entailed, and the principles of living ringing in my ears, to exclude anyone from some form of relief made me feel excluded as well. This is a lesson, and really no one knew how hard it was to get to grips with my changes, nor should they. I need only remind myself, that my actions and absence are as powerful as words when it impacts on very personal beliefs.

At the same time, it had affected a close relationship with a friend who did not see their part in my unhappiness as they collaborated in my decisions, and they chose not to follow our understanding and continued to attend. It felt like and was a betrayal to me. And so what goes around comes around. Without being explicit I guess and realise betrayal happens even though we never mean it to be that way. So now I see the hurt inflicted, and to an extent, the pay back for not saying anything is greater in some ways than speaking our truth.

When it came down to rights and wrongs, there are none. There are beliefs and actions. And when I look at my part and my behaviour towards my fellows by moving on, it never occurred to me I was judging them, merely judging what I had to do to stay safe and let them carry on with their outcomes. And indeed it must have been betrayal, rather than the intent in me to let them be, and me to get a grip on my other conditions of living. So I understand that health and my quite immediate housing/homelessness situation played a part in my distemper.

As it happened last night it was the first chip meeting I have been to since I passed two years in sobriety, and was able to collect my medal, which I am proud to receive.

The meeting was a tradition meeting. Where we discuss not only our recovery, we discuss the traditions of our fellowship. Last night it was about our fellowship being completely separate from any other organisation or fellowship. And with great presence our chairperson spoke of what our tradition means for us. That our fellowship gathers to help anyone anywhere keep sober and whatever else goes on in our lives and the world, that is no business of our fellowship. We gather to make our commitment to sobriety and ways and means of making life work, just a day at a time.

It struck me as I listened and heard discussion of this simple tradition that my conduct last year was mostly one of wilfulness and ego. And rightly I realise in my personal growth, I had applied some personal belief where it was not helpful and left the group and had not spoken my truth. So in essence whatever I may have thought in just leaving, had left unsaid and incomplete in me a discourse to resolve. And no wonder there was a coldness in some towards me.

So I spoke a while and realised in hearing the chairperson speak, I had been unwise in my attitudes and my withdrawing. The cost is apparent now. That I had my intent and the group had theirs. Neither right nor wrong, but unresolved. And to an extent I am glad to have opened the door to return. In essence I learned we need our discussions of good conscience, for in the end I might have been on track or modified and made good my view to that of the group had I stayed long enough back then.

And I could not stay then, but as usual in our strange way where we divert for a while the door is open to return and share our story with our fellows. For we all fuck up all the time. And in this regard, I did royally screw up. Not just with the group, for they continued and modified and grew. I grew another way as darkness was inside me, not from this but from my need to work out how to live with another condition to living.

Even now as I understand my three constant reminders to keep a steady path and monitor my living, its not an easy path, when in years gone by I could be forgetful of anything and not worry about daily maintenance, it was just second nature to be that way. So life has taught me, between these three conditions, sobriety, type 1 diabetes and clinical depression, that if I ignore and don’t monitor one or all of them, the consequences are immediate and most likely permanent.

How odd it seems it took three very clear signs, and a year or so to understand what self maintenance is. And there is only one way to make life work these days. It means I need follow my fellowship and its traditions and steps, to keep sober and so deal with the reality of other conditions I live with.

And the strange part in all of this, is just how much I learn everyday about living. And not just a theory, and just ideas, and not just concepts for intellect to play with. I live it and experience it and accept it as daily I get on with my purpose as nature intended.

So I am glad I returned to face some consequences, not easy or readily taken on board. And I must accept my part in all this, was me and no one else.

The reactions that followed still impact today, have taken a while to process and understand in the living of these consequences. And consequently I learned great wisdom in my particular path, as many a meeting missed there replaced with others led me all over the place.

Our mind spirit and connection to this world takes us where we choose, sometimes our choices lead to wonder and unexpected destinations, not always preferred in our hindsight and reflections.

I need to take account of others feelings as well, and how others feel in my consequences. I also recognise my feelings were hurt beyond belief at the time. And the feelings we have reverberate around. I felt betrayal and loss of trust, not so much with the fellowship but with others and their outlooks. So inevitable betrayal works both ways and we are indeed blessed with the opportunity to own up to our feelings if we can and when opportunity presents.

Its not to blame anyone or anything, or seek to be right or seek others in being wrong. Its merely how we felt and as humans and did our best to get on with living.

For our fellowship which is about long term recovery, we have open house and open doors, where returning and accepting our own and others views does not impede the tradition that our fellowship is singular and direct in its exclusivity of purpose, unaffiliated and there to help those with a desire for sobriety above all things. For in sobriety I learn to live life as life can be lived.

And for feelings of ill will and dislocation last year. Well those were my issues and not that of this group and fellowship, because I left and did not show up, they left me incomplete and to a degree as per usual an outsider without a voice.

They whoever they are, do say you have to be in it to influence it. I agree. And sometimes we need time out to sort our heads, for being in it will kill us stone dead.

And there is the rub, we deprive on the one hand and remove opportunity. On the other we need to be separate and deal with other life impacting conditions, outside our primary purpose in the fellowship. Some things require singularity and conscience and grit to make things work, and others without shadow of doubt require fellowship to gain wisdom and direction and example to make the effort worthwhile.

So there is no wrong in the end. There was no betrayal or intent that it would be so, it was just life itself and circumstance and as things were at the time.

And there is still a residue of other matters floating in the air for me. As this meeting is still very much populated by people who know me, just simply from that meeting. And others there who know of me in gossip I realise. And gossip is not something our fellowship accepts. For gossip does kill as we fellows know too well.

There are still plenty of misunderstandings about me and my life. Inside me for sure and others I detect have listened with some culpability to words from those who know parts of me and not the complete picture of me as I am today. Odd it is as we steer people from gossip it’s the shining characteristic of most humans today. And we need form our views on what we know and come to learn, keeping our minds open as much as we need to ensure our discretion in choosing our friendships today.

Friendship and fellowship might seem hand in hand, they may be if we are lucky, yet luck is not the key. Fellowships like ours endure beyond friendships and their boundaries, for fellowship is primary to our well being and friendships often run their course.

So the lessons are clear, and time will make right the truth. I need not hasten or speed its deliverance, for I cannot change others or their views. I am powerless to do this, others will choose as they will.

A good learning in our principle step of living. That we are powerless over people, places and things, always and evermore. We need keep ourselves safe with good conscience as we learn to live our principles and values as we go.

Our perfect imperfect world of opportunity keeps on growing as we connect and make good our living in the day. No perfection absolutely, no right or wrong way to redemption and a complete life. Just a journey of living and a splendid opportunity to keep our connection as good as we can on a daily basis.

When I began my recovery I never knew how simple and hard life really is to live in reality. For reality for most of us is in some way denied over and over again. It is our very nature to deny reality when we are put to the test of living truth. We prefer our fictions our imaginings and our self willed constructions where the world revolves around us and not the other way, where we are merely players, (good old Shakespeare) which is the truth.

So will I go back again and again? I guess it is for me decide, as things unravel as they will, not my will just as they will. I will keep on going back, because I love our fellowship and surprisingly love my fellows. Even if we have had a rocky patch. We all endeavour to make good connections and let good conscience be our guide. I feel the worry and concern of others and suspicions abound. I cannot change anything. I can only turn up and listen and learn and share me as opportunity offers. I sense this is all I can do.

As to acceptance, well there are many outcomes, and part healing is connection or separation as life makes obvious. And if it is to be separate or connected, acceptance is the key. Time will inform as it inevitably will and not my will.