Depth of Humility

Humility means to understand the self and through that to understand others as well. Humility is the attitude where a person is not attached to his or her opinion and feelings. Humility is the most natural expression of truth. It helps in better understanding of truth. Humility is the basis for maintaining self-respect. Humility does not mean bowing down and being subservient to others. Humility allows us to see benefit in everything. Developing humility brings a lot of comfort and ease into our life.

My best mate, she is wonderful, and me! We have a laugh and get on so well, its hard to make out sometimes where we are with anything. And we know really… and had some odd times of late as we wondered if friendship might blossom into more than just friends. We have had these notions of what might be for a little while, and at the same time we sort of knew quite instinctively we are just the best of friends.

And is odd that where we have got to is better than physical intimacy which would have been destined for most likely a short life, as we both know the bells and sparks don’t fly where we might like. It seems we both have come to this conclusion. I did not want to admit the nature of our friendship tailed off from more physical intimacy, it was always a part of friendships in my past. But now life is different and the denial I experienced and maybe the worry I might be failing our relationship hung with me longer than I might have wished. And it’s a danger for any of us, like me and the ego thing is there now I am truthful. Thank goodness I know better these days and where ego drifts.

My best friend on the other hand was quite sure from early on and only felt inclined now and then to consider evolving our friendship, and her good sense kept us on the better path, and is a mark of friendship I now see more clearly. In sobriety we are better able to differentiate and see who we keep as friends and who we might pursue as partners, and we both agreed again where we are, and relieved. Avoiding hurting each others feelings seems a very obvious worry for us both, and fortunately we have been able to get to the truth so easily was a surprise for me. I love her more in the sharing of truth and being honest. Odd how things turn out. Mind there have been times when lack of honesty and honesty near drove us apart for good.

It was a good outcome and followed on from a fellowship meeting for me this morning which seemed to deal with some of these issues we all face in being sober. There is a wilful side in all of us which seeks to have everything and we almost always end up with nothing as a result. In the fellowship meeting we all seemed to have learned to be good consumers not only of things material, we seem like collectors and pick up people as we go along and then find we have what we don’t want or have moved perfectly good friendships beyond where they last. A sad and true reflection of how we can trying to fix ourselves with love, when if we found ourselves and love inside first we might be better able to love others as we agree, sparks and all when we find our partners who ring the bells in our heads. Big smiles from me and a relief about this conundrum, it took less time to unravel and get to acceptance than I would have imagined. And there is a sort of guilty feeling in there too all mixed up with relief. And we both have these feelings going on. And we are both looking outwardly more obviously than maybe we felt able to share with each other. My God, how we dallied and actually I am glad we did. With care and attention, well enough to make the outcome good.

We will find our friendship changes as we move along, our closeness is predicated on lack of a partner in both cases and some of the closeness belongs with intimate partners as discussion of life belongs there and friendship of that sort. Friends and relationships change, its life, and as we have found honesty along the way, albeit lacking for a while in me at least and for us both in being clear on her inclinations, we got there in the end. She fancies someone else too, Phew! Thank goodness we didn’t take it further, I feel our relationship was destined for difficult outcomes as both of us are moving into changing phases. We have much to offer and give and receive everything well.

What seems to have come out of this for me is an acceptance of choices. Choices I might never have felt able to make before. It takes a good friendship to get to this point of clarity, and beyond as now appears apparent. I get it and so too my best mate in the fellowship. And I am glad she has more years sober than me in this case, and more years with clarity, which helped beyond my confusion over the last couple of weeks.

And you know what I like most is how I feel about all of this, content and peaceful, free and happy. And still there is a hint of guilt feeling this way, it’s a new way of being for me and without that old fearful needy me. As there is something there in ego in me I recognise… a man thing, a woman thing and ego thing, it is part of the package of life, and there for both of us. And I am glad to have a good friend to have helped guide me in this conundrum of living well.

I am bothered by other matters I wrote about. The rehab experience is on my mind, the outcomes for those who don't die and don’t get the guidance and support, the counsellors who lack experience beyond their own and all those things. The dead are dead and the consequences for the living are all to harsh and familiar especially loved ones and family and those like me, bothered and powerless.

I accept my powerless situation as it is and leave it there for now, but my thoughts will wander back I am sure.

We went to see “Superman Returns“, after pizza today. A good laugh all the way on top of relief felt. Superman is ok as it happens, and kept my interest, I think I’d give it six out of ten. More would be too gushing, the plot and outcomes were akin to the old story, the screenplay was interestingly constructed and pretty intuitive in its leaning and the Acting was pretty good too. And the Enron connection quite obvious once you know about it.

A coffee and home and relaxing. I been and posted some photos’s of my best mate, on the photo web page, smiles hers have come out ok, mine, well never too sure of photo’s these days. So added a couple of others including the one taken by Barry Lategan some time back. it’s a bit grainy, but adequate, the best of digital photo’s can suffer when we have them scanned and then copied a few times. Never mind its still a good photo of the time and was a Fulham road composition.

Time marches on, I hope tonight the railways are quiet, its been days of engineering works going on and on and on. My bags under the eyes on my photo give away my fatigue. And a lack of sleep..I look older today

I feel the peace is good, the acceptance fine, and freedom and contentment which comes with truth. My truth is good and intact, and hope it remains a day at a time. As to the truth of others, well its only my business when it impacts on me I guess, and where rehab matters touch me, I can comment and politics is fair game. Sorted as far as today goes. And let go and be what humility offers, and gratitude in outlooks from the heart as our hearts flourish as they are nurtured and nurturing is the key today…

Can be a bit of a free fall for the manipulators and liars I will encounter in future times, those days and times are as they will be, and me, I move along patiently a day at a time!