Chronicles August 2004

August 1st 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Keeping my Boat Afloat ~

Keeping the boat afloat. Not so difficult for the hardy sailor of life. The boat of life, it gets all sorts attached to the hull, like repairs and barnacles. Life is certainly something that weathers us like nothing else will touch the soul. The soul we have just protected by skin and bone. We have 'so much time' to keep it in tact, this tactile coat worn and well and mobile. So much time is just enough before mayhem, mishap, old age or a repair can put us out of action. And repairs are running repairs, because we can never switch off the engine. Life is relentless, until it stops in a heartbeat.

Heartbeats and beating of the heart. We mix our metaphors and our engine parts. We have a vessel and its got a finite lifetime, we have a soul, a spirit, which most contend is immortal. We are mortal and immortal. We are, often confused about what meanings we have to guide us through our journey's and why we exist at all. Safe to say we add something to the cosmos, that collective mass of being, be it spiritual, ephemeral, and locked into finite moments which advance creation and corruption. Corruption of the physical, creation of the metaphysical. Ontology, a branch of metaphysics concerned with the nature and relations of being, is still a shrouded world for most of us.

August 2nd 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ History lessons, Love lessons ~

History lessons are just that. Memories and elements of truth and fantasy. Some things I hold dear. Memories of girlfriends, not one would I have wished to lose. Yet lose them I did. In fact all had one thing in common, me. Apart from that none of the women I have dated or lived with have any similar qualities on the surface. Underneath however, all of them do. The side we share when close, the side of our personalities which rarely see the light of day, the side of vulnerability and love. It takes little or nothing to express endearments in the public gaze. It is a little often recognised custom to declare without any prejudice love for another. Often reserved for a wedding or more often an intimate enclave of trusted souls, this thing called love, the rubber stamp to wonderment and too often decadence. In our confidence of love from another all manner of injustice beats close to the surface. For in love our capacities to endure are just about infinite. I have loved and felt the appalling crush of loss, and others have loved me and felt it too.

Inhumanity to those we love most is certainly the easiest of accomplishments. Especially when our love of self nears non existent proportions. I never held myself in esteem or ego particularly. I suspect others may have seen a confident and often bewildered arrogant nuisance (me) they could do without. I spent decades not having the confidence to stick with or love anyone too much lest they found me worthless. After all, I attached no worth or importance to me.

Writing about self-worth is not an easy thing to do. For it is balance between worthiness and worthlessness, esteem and ego, that the see saw of our upbringing and culture nurtures or harms us and shapes the human being we become. And we don't just become something and stay still, we keep on changing, much too much sometimes for ourselves to see, or others to understand. We are becoming...

August 3rd 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Embrace Change ~

When you are aware and accept that everything around you is constantly changing, and that you have no control over 99.99% of it, you are able to embrace change like a close friend!

Change is a like a river, constantly flowing and moving things around. The river of life is constantly bringing you ideas, people, situations - each one is an opportunity to be enriched or to enrich others, to grow and to learn. Change is the play of the universe as it entertains us in the biggest light-and-sound show of all time. Why fight it, why not sit back and enjoy the show?

August 4th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Prejudice ~

Prejudice, an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics. Plain old prejudice is something we all live with in any society and culture. It is a human trait to differentiate on grounds which may appear trivial or material or any combination of factors. People are just prejudiced. At least we would wish we were not. Naturally we deny prejudice, but it is within us.

Why am I concerned with prejudice at the moment? Simply because I feel it presently, toward me and toward vast numbers of people who are considered sufficiently different to attract hostile thoughts and often insults, and sometimes violent outbursts. It is horrid to observe and deal with prejudice.

Any group which is identifiable as different will attract hostility. The nature of an informed society is often its tolerance of diversity and its open attitude to differences. I am lucky to live in the hub of a big City with diversity in abundance, yet prejudice pervades if I scratch the surface. I wonder why, as a tolerant human being all my life, I now feel the brush of taint so strong, I sometimes reel and am abashed by the cruelty inflicted on so many. To undermine confidence so completely is very telling on a so called liberal society.

Make no mistake. Our society is founded on values which espouse prejudice, not valuing diversity. Best keep your diversity indoors and under wraps, for the society of which we are a part, remains very conservative and harsh to those who are disabled and different.

August 5th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Without Prejudice ~

Often the phrase 'without prejudice' means exactly the opposite. How so? As mentioned yesterday, we deal with all sorts of prejudice everyday by others towards ourselves, and by ourselves towards others. Prejudice is always there. When we use the term without prejudice we use it almost and most often in a legal sense. To express an opinion we hold which could be harmful in legal terms we use the caveat 'without' to mean we are exploring potential or possibilities. So if I want to explore a situation which shows up the good and bad, I might say 'without prejudice' to express a view.

So for example, 'without prejudice' predicates many legal arguments explored before a decision or contract is completed. I for example have signed documents 'without prejudice’ to indicate I see what is read and understood, but, a big but , do not agree to the content. Without prejudice means I do not agree to something which is untrue, but need to acknowledge I have read the document or argument.

When people articulate and express their view 'without prejudice' it usually means they are extremely prejudiced and disagree with thoughts, feelings and action. Without prejudice really means up yours and I'll say it anyway. What a get out?

Beware tho' for often said 'without prejudice' is so darned legal, the legality is in question and subject to interpretation. Better to say what you mean and have the thoughts and understanding to back up what you say. And without prejudice does not ward off a punch on the nose if one offends and is offensive.

Without prejudice just be careful what you sign, and try never to sign your legal rights away.

August 6th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Exercising my rights ~

I have great problems exercising my rights. For some reason or a multitude of them, I don't feel I have equal rights as do others. I apply a whole number of reasons why I might not be entitled to certain basic rights, simply because I am me. It is a reversal of ego and down to lack of self esteem. Over the years my feelings about me have gone down and down. This is not to say that I want pity or anything like it, I want to be alone. The Garbo phrase 'I want to be alone', has haunted me all my life.

It is particularly pertinent today. I have an issue which I feel is just insurmountable, to others it would seem a small blip, to me it snowballs to include everything I feel about me, I don't have or add value to anything. And I have to talk myself into trying to keep things going, and not let anyone down. I often stay in such states of depression for months. I have to do something I just don't like, deal with reality as reality is.

I have 'less than' feelings all the time, a bad sign. I thought I had got over these for a while and now they are back like the black cloud that hangs omnipresent. Whatever I do, the gloom follows and pervades. If only the respite were longer I would have a space to get away from it. And to do so is my goal.

The obstacles are enough in my own head, and given the way our society deals with unfortunates like me, it is no wonder that the gloom I have kills most others off because it is not understood. Most people would march right on by faced with someone in my shoes. It is a harsh reality, that if I don't get out of this gloom myself, no one will be able to pull me out. Least of all anyone connected with welfare matters on a bureaucratic level. The system is designed to hold people in a state of perpetual penury. On the physical and emotional levels the system of care in this country will hold you down, and enable further downward spirals into more gloom.

The self doubt and feelings I get are awful legacies of time served in a career I did not choose and stayed too long doing. I need to give myself more time to overcome my obstacles and endure this time, for surely I will recover. I just must endure it, even when its desperate.

August 7th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Peace ~

1 : a state of tranquillity or quiet: as a : freedom from civil disturbance b : a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom

2 : freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

3 : harmony in personal relations

4 a : a state or period of mutual concord between governments b : a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity

5 -- used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell - at peace : in a state of concord or tranquillity

I have been having a peaceful day. Learning a few things and being careful with anyone I meet. It is sometimes easy to find a little peace and not always quiet, for quiet I would need not only to shut out external noises, but the internal ones in my head too! We all have our 'inner voice', my inner voice chatters back to me as I think and talk, and even when just thinking I am talking to myself usually and in my head of course.

Peace, so large a subject, so broad a topic. Let me just say, today has been relatively peaceful, with little disruption or sadness. I am grateful for that, for yesterday was a misery.

August 8th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Traditions, History & Conversation ~

Sunday mornings in London, in summer and on the hottest of days, clouds wispy and bright blue yonder. I love mornings like these, I have not experienced a tranquil moment like it for a long time.

The day and people are not lost on me. I sit on the bus and become a travel expert, I talk of today and London times and they talk of history and olden times. The modern moment, where memory of what was, collides with what is. 'Its not the same', the lady does not complain, just observes, and is wistful for old moments where we trudge to relive a moment of joy and happy thoughts. Emoting the need to explore those places where a memory plays havoc with the present, where once a coffee bar was the universe, its now gone, completely and nothing survives except in the fondest heart.

When I ponder on the changes to our London Town, completing my own reverie and history engages recall, I would bask in many moments I thought nothing but happy tokens, now golden in the years past and nurtured thoughts, waves of ephemeral memories in the oceans of time.

I chat to a lovely Italian Princess, who introduced me to her family the other day, fleeting friendships hover separate as she is wrapped in family times. She is anxious to track down her man who is absent without permission, a little fire is sparking there as she sees the male looking appreciatively her way from across the room. She smiles with no nonsense and proclaims her value as she tosses her hair back and smiles, touches my arm and bids me farewell.

Happy moments not oft felt, let them carouse, as if a draft of sunshine and liquor to my inner happy notions and defeat those dark thoughts lapping on the edges of my minds eye.

August 8th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Traditions, History & Conversation ~

Sunday mornings in London, in summer and on the hottest of days, clouds wispy and bright blue yonders. I love mornings like these, I have not experienced a tranquil moment like it for a long time.

The day and people are not lost on me. I sit on the bus and become a travel expert, I talk of today and London times and they talk of history and olden times. The modern moment, where memory of what was, collides with what is. 'Its not the same', the lady does not complain, just observes, and is wistful for old moments where we trudge to relive a moment of joy and happy thoughts. Emoting the need to explore those places where a memory plays havoc with the present, where once a coffee bar was the universe, its now gone, completely and nothing survives except in the fondest heart.

When I ponder on the changes to our London Town, completing my own reverie and history engages recall, I would bask in many moments I thought nothing but happy tokens, now golden in the years past and nurtured thoughts, waves of ephemeral memories in the oceans of time.

I chat to a lovely Italian Princess, who introduced me to her family the other day, fleeting friendships hover separate as she is wrapped in family times. She is anxious to track down her man who is absent without permission, a little fire is sparking there as she sees the male looking appreciatively her way from across the room. She smiles with no nonsense and proclaims her value as she tosses her hair back and smiles, touches my arm and bids me farewell.

Happy moments not oft felt, let them carouse, as if a draft of sunshine and liquor to my inner happy notions and defeat those dark thoughts lapping on the edges of my minds eye.

August 9th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Authenticity and Originality ~

Authentic, not false or imitation. Originality, the power of independent thought or constructive imagination. Seems we are becoming more and more unable to accept these philosophies as positive constructs. The power of bland, the power of copy, the power of imitative depictions as ones own originality. The desperation of comparing and measuring ourselves against others. The competitive notions that are emulated. We can be forgiven for our bland acceptance and forlorn emotions, as we are forever disappointed by media without flair and lacking innovation.

I find in terse moments where I sit reflecting, I hear comparisons and measurements being attributed to friends and relations. This person is 'that good', that person is likened to... It scrapes and scratches at me to hear so much time invested in becoming like someone else, rather than being oneself. We used to value difference, to an extent of course within 'society's' prejudice. Now that we have a 'less than' society and prejudice crawls in the gutters of many souls, we see how hard we fix stereotypes and how hard we work our prejudices.

Wasted times for fickle masses, cajoled and confused by yardsticks they can never achieve. Illuminated yahoos and brainless features, electronic games become the masters and mistresses of flattened masses wallowing in their drugs of choice. Hooked upon bland, all munching on their hamburgers, the gorging rubberneckers of life slow long enough to enjoy shock as fatalities flash before them, before the bland harness pulls back.

And what am I? A cowboy or an Indian. A goody or a baddy? The King or the pauper? Why I am all of them and more, for I am a chameleon, and none of them. I am forever me, full of similarities and uniquely different. It is better never to compare or measure, to emulate or stagnate, to a thing or place, for change is abundant, a river fast tumbling and we as jetsam might find passage to a heartfelt authentic moment in time. And happily in that moment thrive, evolve before the wash of humanity is washed away

August 10th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Slap me till my senses leave me - Silly ~

Across the face across my jowls, across my backside too, I feel the silly mans grasp as his silly mans slap is just that, the slap of a silly old fool. Now in olden days, the silly mans slap which comes from the silly old fool, has meaning so deep that in olden days a fool was not silly, and silly was not bad, for silly was so bad it was cool.

Those olden day folk with plain sayings they spoke, not so plain or silly as might be, and when they said what they said, as plain as plain could be , there weren't no man who said he knew, what he knew they meant to say, for its as plain as the nose, on an old fool's face, it was an honest man's frustration couldn't see, that "slap me to my senses leave me - silly" was an innocents game and reverie!

for silly is silly, happy, innocent as much as anything else a word lives from distant times, and changes completely with fashions and odd little rhymes. Happenstance....

August 11th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Odd Feelings and Odd Weather ~

The oddness of feelings, the knowing that something just doesn't fit life's patina (an appearance or aura that is derived from association, habit, or established character ). Some say its a gift, I don't. For when things are out a bit, not by much, my antenna seems tuned to concerns and difficult events and news. As it was these last few days. The difficult feelings knowing something connected to my world needs attention or my attention will be drawn. I found one concern and things feel the better for knowing. It has always been this way for me.

Odd weather too, tending to make London town a strange place where no one knows how to dress or undress to meet the heat and humidity. So what is a little discomfort? Depends really on tolerance and associated feelings of distress. Let no one mislead you tho' if discomfort is where you are, for whatever reason keep a weather eye to your notions and your bowel movements and stay close to amenities which most suit your convenience!

August 12th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Courage ~

We need courage to look within and see who we really are. Check what is inside, accept any changes that need changing. Sometimes we don't like what we see, but whatever needs transforming, first needs to be acknowledged. To know the self is to become a master of the self and to understand the first lesson of spirituality. To know the self is the fundamental quest in life. To be oneself is the fundamental purpose in life

Amen to this notion of courage, yet the hardest notion to begin a lengthy journey. Kick out the kinks, the bangs, the scrunching collisions from the schools of hard knocks. To embark with implicit and explicit intent, to countenance deep searches of the psyche, to accept the layers embedded like sandbanks protecting our true self from the ravages of our fellows attention.

To embrace, to dig and delve through sumps of sludge, to drain detritus from deep bilges of memories. Wash away with torrents and showers of warm recollections, the black Teflon daubs across my soul. Screeching words impaled and held on flagstaff’s as memories are unpuddled from the muddling of years of protecting something so simple and pure within. Harmony with the human kind, harmony with nature and harmony without prejudice. Unencumbered to wander free, spirited and unfettered from the trappings offered to corrupt the notion of love itself. A brave path, narrow and deep, clambering across the clattering silence of this world. Breathe in and step forward on a journey of wonderment...capture in the moment of mind, body and breath, truth.

August 13th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ superstitious? Friday the thirteenth ~

Forgiveness

A big-hearted soul does not sentence others on the basis of a single act, but appreciates others through understanding their entire journey.

August 14th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ My 48th Birthday ~

I met with some fellows yesterday. They were really helpful to me. I will see them again. They are like me, truth seekers, not self seekers. The difference is that truth is universal and unfettered, self seekers - probably is nebulous and narrow. I don't mind really, I know my path will continue toward open, honest and willing dealings with the world at large. I am no better or less than anyone else, just careful to craft my boat as best I can to wander across the oceans of time, and dodging the raindrops of today...

Not bad this weekend, some sun and some rain. The Olympics on TV, watched the opening, a time full of promise and smiling faces. Felt the emotion of the occasion, often such things overwhelm me as I get to grips with my feelings. Maybe a new learning for me, I have always had them and shown them, my feelings, but never quite like now. My expression and passion, my joy and my sadness, all available as they happen. I am letting go the faces of bravery, the faces which we use to mask our true feelings. So practised was I that I could fool most people most of the time, except me of course.

Its true. The way we all learn to process what we see and then react in a way that we feel is acceptable. For if we were to show always our true feelings, how on earth would we or others cope with that?

I guess the answer is in time, probably very well. For the more we ameliorate our feelings and comport or conform to codes, the less we are ourselves and the more we are misunderstood. The smile, affable and open, often hides a mask of worry and concern. We put brave faces on for all sorts of reasons which mask our true selves. And often the mask gets us in more trouble, for the mask is or might be what others are able to relate to. Then when the mask is gone, others find something they really find hard to cope with, the real person.

I wonder at how our society has grown to behave so badly and with such corruptions. It was never so when our lives were more earthly and immediate. We have gone beyond subsistence and sustenance to something which really would take a thousand years to explain. Except this, we are truly the same inwardly with regard to our feelings, the inner being is as always vulnerable and concerned, protective and volatile. The brave explore their inner world, and with a fervent hope, to some external reference. Otherwise what on earth would life be?

August 15th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Just For Today ~

A theme worth contemplation. I have found over many years much of my life was about thinking about the future and about the past.

The future, things that might be, the future could be thoughts of the following day, of dreams about how my life might become. To become a husband, a provider, to have children, to have a house and to have a job and career. Of those thoughts of becoming, I have not achieved any of them for any length of time. Smiles and some sadness, and some joy. I am sad that maybe in the conventions society and others values, I have not achieved, yet I have achieved a great many things. Yes to the career, and yes to the home and yes to very deep and meaningful relations with women over the years. And no to all of them right now. I am joyful though. For I have nothing and something. I have found a time to find me. My life is just the way it should be now.

My relationship to the world has always been rootless, to an extent tossed and blown across time, never stuck or sticking too close to anything or anyone. I never realised it was happening. And I never realised it was me. And now is a time for reflection and pondering. Not too long though for each day the becoming of something is occurring. Changes subtle and sometimes more a hammer blow, changing me. I need reminders to keep me connected to the day.

In some strange thinking there is everything in nothing, in a very practical way, nothing is greatly preferred, for we carry everything in our minds eye.

People are the treasure of life, nature is the treasure we share. And just for today and every other day I need trade nothing or change anything of nature, and tread a soft step with care.

August 16th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Where do these mood swings come from? ~

I know only too well, it takes little or nothing to alter the balance of mood. I notice it right now, taking painkillers necessary for a few days. I wish I had not, yet it was suggested. Live with the pain or live with the down moments. Now I have both pain and low mood. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea on this, I have just got to wait for both pain and mood to work their way through this chemical imbalance.

After all that is all it is, the chemistry is out of whack!

And my word, it it is unhelpful. Meanwhile I am trying to get on with some other stuff and I really have to give in and call it a day. It is really unlike me to quit, I am going to because I cannot concentrate, I don't enjoy disabling moments, what a bugger.

August 17th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Chaos- Ever had a day called Chaos? ~

Chaos, a state of things in which chance is supreme; especially : the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms -- compare COSMOS b : the inherent unpredictability in the behaviour of a natural system (as the atmosphere, boiling water, or the beating heart) 3 a : a state of utter confusion b : a confused mass or mixture

Chaos theory attempts to explain the fact that complex and unpredictable results can and will occur in systems that are sensitive to their initial conditions. A common example of this is known as the Butterfly Effect. It states that, in theory, the flutter of a butterfly's wings in China could, in fact, actually effect weather patterns in New York City, thousands of miles away. In other words, it is possible that a very small occurrence can produce unpredictable and sometimes drastic results by triggering a series of increasingly significant events.

The seemingly insignificant, now the known significant. For me I have and am glad to be able to identify seemingly unrelated incidents which do have impact on me. Why? Because I have the time and inclination to think through actions rather than just do them automatically. We go on 'auto pilot' for large portions of our waking hours, and miss the significance of many moments and interactions. Why not spend an hour today, reflect on the difference it would have made to acknowledge one good action on your part, and the impact it had and possible impact it had beyond your seeing. Then reflect on the action you took which had a bad reaction, and the possible impact beyond your seeing. Truly, the notion of chaos has many possibilities and many imaginings. Who said reality sucks?

August 18th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Desiderata ~

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

August 23rd 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Prophecy ~

Prophecy, that disturbing knack, that troubled knowledge of what happens next. Sure, for some. They want prophecy as much as they want a certainty that fate is placing them firmly in the great swell of life events, without power or authority, to wash away life on lifers terms. For we can if so directed live a lifers life, no determined effort of will to forge a newness or authentic moment? We rail against the notion that might makes ordinary beings. For prophecy warns us, we are not so different and we are not omnipotent. Who says so? I have no one's word of truth to prophecy or chaos or confusion. We can label whole tranche’s of life experience and liberal notions bolt for safe ground when the libertine throws chaos our way. Now hold on, hold tight and guard a moments open thought, as the libertine chucks chaos your way.... for so the libertine ordered it so, and so order is in chaos thrown. As to prophecy, and to common ground, as life experience will curve the common thread and evoke authentic notions in your head, just let it go. And do as good folks are learned, to accept, the usefulness of any vessel is in its emptiness. And just keep letting go....

August 24th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Smile Incessantly? ~

We all know and remember a smiley person - someone whose heart seems to radiate through their teeth. And when they do, notice how it's almost impossible not to smile back...unless you are feeling very, very grumpy! So if you don't feel a smile coming on - why not do it anyway. Not only does it transform your inner chemical production and create 'happy hormones', but when people are on the end of your smile, they smile back (well most do). And if you really don't genuinely feel like smiling at life, the universe and everybody - fake it until you make it!

Advice from one of my supporters. I don't know that it works so well. There is this thing we do, about faking our feelings and it stores up trouble when we learn to fake it to make it all too many times. There needs to be more than an automatic reaction, there needs to be more than a reason to please others. There needs to be a reason to please ourselves.

Yes to an extent, fake it to make it, because underlying the imitation is a need to change. And the change can be for the good. So if you are somewhere with some people, the idea to fake it to make can be very persuasive.

Life is not always about fitting in for the sake of life and that situation. Life throws us some pretty mean circumstances, and we need to be aware when we should change our situation to make good our confidence and esteem. We are not here to please a magician or another’s act or show, we are here to learn and profit from experience which enrich and shape us to fulfil our inner being.

Our inner being is a simple soul, and the food for the inner being is most certainly, truth, honesty and willingness to learn about ourselves and others. Make no mistake, life is for living, and mistakes are just that, you don't have to make your life a mis-take!

August 25th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Sunshine's Cloud ~

The Olympics are near half done. I watched part of an event today, the Women’s Triathlon. A race of speed and timing, water, cycle and running. A fast pace set, truly inspiring and grit, as harsh conditions were worked and endured. Its a race after all, and for some the race was a rush and a squash, then a pacing to the end as cruising came to fuel a few seconds of complacency. Just moments and the Australian, home and dry, faced a challenge, from nowhere the Austrian piled home her running and passed first place across the finishing line. Shocking for the hardy and the worthy as if from nowhere a favourite and hard earned moment is lost to time itself.

I felt surprise and shock as did all the rest as the Austrian ( actually Australian born )shot through and with a few breaths to spare, hammering a victory and slamming a defeat. It is the stuff that turns the mind through fair to unfair, to wrenching graft to robbery. It is not fair, yet its so fair it hurts to win as much to lose.

Perish the thoughts of glory as another’s glory snatches and turns abandoned joy to years of wasted endeavour. Such are the feelings as the masses gawp incredulous. How dare she take the crown, well dared and won. I wonder how it will be reported, I'll check a headline and see what they say....

"Austria's Kate Allen won the Olympic women's triathlon title with a stunning final leg on the run. Allen started the 10km run almost three minutes off the pace and Australia's Loretta Harrop looked set for gold. But as Harrop came into the home straight Allen breezed past for a memorable and unexpected win." That was the BBC and then in Australia, the flavour was just what I expect from true Australians, fair and balanced," But Harrop, who was fifth at Sydney 2000 and seemingly had the race wrapped up, could not respond when Allen bolted past her with just a few metres to go." Extraordinary, that the Nationalism is no more in this particular reporting. So sad my English friends ( and I am English ) paid little heed to events and worse still evoke pride in nationhood, when we watch the best of the world compete with each other on equal ground trodden through millenniums in the pursuit of excellence.

August 26th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Gravitas ~

What is it, this thing, gravitas? Described as seriousness or sobriety, as of conduct or speech. We might want it to mean just that and be a touchstone to our own feelings of confidence and esteem. I think I have gravitas, yet to suggest that is so, leads me away from the meaning itself. Gravitas for me implies humility, neither seeking or searching for gravitas, the stuff of life, integrity and trust.

Yet to achieve or acquire it is a lifetime journey and sometimes it feels like my lifetime is too short. I am getting on, and I don't want to lose sight of the important things in life, or lose my freshness of seeing. I delight in new and old, seeing the difference as the mood I have impacts.

I was meeting with fellows just today, and as we discussed and shared ideas, the notion of no steps taken, no change made and nothing new but an old pattern emerging. And for me that is really important. To try new steps and new changes and so emerge different and enriched. Not rocket science and nothing really new, except for me, to see with brightness and enquiry and experience.

So often these days we are observers of the doings of others, we stand still ourselves and get nothing new but a harder skin, impervious to the tingle of experiences. I would bellow loud if given half a chance, get off your arse, its not got gravitas, its got gravity, a leaden fellow which holds us from the stars!

August 27th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Create Vision ~

Never believe anyone who says we cannot change. Vision is one of the secrets of personal transformation. We are all artists, our mind is the arena of creation and vision is what we are constantly creating. What is your vision of yourself today - patient, relaxed, positive or tense, tight and negative? What do you prefer? So be creative - what does patience look like, feel like, what are you doing that is different when you are patient and you are expressing your power to ...wait? Always start with vision not action. See it and you will be it. Be it and you will do it. This is how we create our own life.

We might wonder with Vision, yet sometimes the picture perfect that a Visionary might share can be a personal nightmare. The nightmare that catches us in half asleep and waking states, that dredges, to bring to light by deep searching, dire fantasies.

I have them aplenty these days, the nightmare is waking and wondering if that was so, that I had done something so against my feelings and nature as to harm myself or another. And these nightmares born from seconds ticking on the clock of eternity, for once they were real and not imagined. For in the dawning moments as sleep passes and with a jolt the imagined fears take root in reality, then the heart pounds like an engine screaming for reversal,’ take me back to undo that harming dream'. Respite comes as moments check the thrall is dying down and conscious thinking takes the game back to real senses of the day.

That field of pain subsides as dry mouth and heartbeat squash the jangled nerves and some peace of mind fought hard for is restored. What vengeful pranks the mind conjures unheeding of inner torments hidden with imagination beckoning, to summon or signal the demise of peace of mind.

And so like Jabberwocky, meaningless speech, writings, my imaginings thrust me into the day, anxious moments till serenity's prayer is mouthed, accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

August 28th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Incantation & Provenance ~

Magical qualities, the 'Incantation', a use of spells or verbal charms spoken or sung as a part of a ritual. Sometimes a written or recited formula of words designed to produce a particular effect. And provenance, a bedfellow, the history of ownership of a valued object or work of art or literature and in this instance, magic.

We intone, we implore, we plead to the sense of our authentic perception of reality and delusion. Caught in the grip of our pshysce, a metamorphosis transcending copied paths of thought and vision, we proclaim our unique view. This is mine and mine alone, I made it and thought it and bore it from my inner core.

Yet sitting close and near my thoughts inside, I am reminded ever so, that as the generations move towards more outward complexities, the mind is infinite and has no guards to secret stores of compound memories. It is the science to find our metaphysical keys, to let loose a tide so overwhelming in a breath, that time itself provides a dyke to quell the deep of thought itself. To thoroughly overwhelm and reduce to submission our conscious paradigms upon which ego spins reality.

Beware the torment of that breath, as tide shreds, breaching and filling the moment, so full a drowning gulp bursts, and authentic is pronounced, and prosaic wretchings are read. The magician falters into eternity's myst, riven with turmoil’s armour rent as sentience creeps slowly to his fingertips.

August 29th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Independence Bollox ~

To be really independent means not even to lean on excuses.
Independence, not requiring or relying on something else is a more appropriate take on truth, I suspect. The notion that a person can be truly independent, in the sense of separate and fully functional, means that independence comes with limits. The truly independent, if there were such a rare subject becomes less and less so, the more they wish for it and enact it. True independence is to understand that togetherness produces more and better outcomes, that solitary thought is probably and completely impossible. To be truly independent is to understand the relationships one needs, or and wants with the world.

Someone once suggested that no man is an island, I guess I go with that. There is security in self knowledge and self accomplishment, independence is not a lonely path, it is acceptance of tempo, rhythm and simpatico, to the beat of one's inner harmonies.

August 30th 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Tempo is to Rhythm’s & Simpatico ~

Tempo, the beat of the moment. What is harmony and the rhythm of the moment, the beat inside in tune with the beat outside. From time comes the drum roll the beat we hear, the thing we gauge to our temperament. We organise to a beat to a rhythm. We organise to feel simpatico, on the same wavelength, to agreeable feelings. We are awkward with dissonance, it rips out our confidence and polarises like it to discord and tension.

Discord is a beat away in the heart a tension so close it compels to the insecure, that glance back, the sense of the bogeyman, that thing we cannot see or control, dispelled in a seconds awkward spat with torrid memory, replaced by surety of this brief moment.

And Anger
Anger is an acid that does more harm to the vessel in which it is stored rather than to the person on whom it is poured.

August 31st 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Grist and Gore ~

Harmonies, a collation of parallel passages, especially from the Gospels, with a commentary demonstrating their consonance and explaining their discrepancies. Meet grist and gore.

Grist, a matter of interest or value forming the basis of a story or analysis and gore, in this case to pierce or wound with something pointed. As in the use of words to pierce and embellish and not unusually to wound another. So much effort to the negative its hardly surprising so many are so undone so quickly by the wounds of words. Words themselves import no pain, it is in the understanding of the reader that most damage is done. As grist and gore are tempered to molest well being, so the object defers to their imagination. That most wonderful gift of dreams, the imagination, empowered and receiving stimulus that can unleash great magnificence, can rent, split or tear apart in pieces by wordy violence, our very peace of mind.

And resonance, a synchronous gravitational relationship of two celestial bodies (as moons) that orbit a third (as a planet) which can be expressed as a simple ratio of their orbital periods. So resonance with words implies and affects the temperance of imagined truth and dreams and on our planet, mendacity.

What better antidote to uncommon depths? Why the simple tool of forgetting. To forget the deep, the stricken core that reverberates with harmonies of happy as well as discordant reflections, all wrapped in memories preference. Amelioration and bargains to dull the truth of just about every precious notion are struck to protect the inner me. I forget too well, and remember all the better, but sadness touches with the truth as hidden depths are mined to bring uncertain bounty.

Nightmare from the day, quite hard enough to tolerate, nightmare from the deep of time, breaks, snaps and welcomes grist and gore to bloody half sleep. Amen to sleep so deep that memory is left, undisturbed, dormant and wrapped in time.